So onto a subject from left field, a replay of an episode from The View at the end of summer got me thinking. It was from the pre-release of Hairspray media blitz with guests John Travolta and Queen Latifah.
A Man in Sheep’s Clothing
In it, John Travolta was asked why his character was played by a man in woman’s clothing. His answer was that this is basically the way the conceit of the show because of the original film.
I beg to differ. Now, I’ve never seen the original film. I’ve seen Hairspray on stage twice and the musical movie in theaters several times . . . I guess that’s as many versions as I need to be familiar with before I die. But the reason for this creative bit of casting was always more than a gimmick to me. It was watching Bruce Vilanch during “You’re Timeless to Me” on tour that I got it.
When I brought my mom to the movie, she turned to me and said of Edna Turnblad, “That is the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
That’s the point. Yay, she got it. She makes me so proud.
The story is about accepting people for who they are, no matter what they look like—skin color, weight, whatever. Edna Turnblad is not only a hefty hideaway bargain hunter, she’s extremely, ah, funny looking. But her husband worships the ground she walks on. After all these years—despite the weight gain—he’s still madly in love with her.
And once we get a chance to meet her, we love Edna too. She melts our hearts, no matter what she looks like, and in the end, she learns to love and embrace herself as well.
And that’s the point. If the Von Tussles ever gave Tracy a chance, they’d adore her. But they immediately dismiss her because of her size. We get the chance to know and adore Edna Turnblad as well. The conceit of a man playing the part fits into the development of the theme. It is far more than a gimmick.
Vlema vs. Velma
In the stage version, I really liked that the Von Tussles came around at the end and learned to shake their fanny muscles. It is a tad out of left field, but the characters are more childish and uninformed on stage, so you can easily forgive them when they see the light and learn that you really can’t stop the beat. It seems very fitting.
In the movie, however, that would have been an uneasy transition. Amber Von Tussle basically comes to realize that she is the one in the wrong, seen through her eyes in the final scene. Velma in the movie, though, is far too nasty to allow for such a turnaround. I think there are two key reasons for this.
First of all, it is the writing. Velma does more evil in the movie. When she slams Edna in the restaurant with that comment on Edna’s weight, she’s really cruel. Not only is it rude, it deeply hurts Edna, who has come so far in accepting how she looks since her weight gain. After all, this is a woman who has not come out of her house for many years in fear of her weight.
Velma goes as far as to break up Tracy’s family by attempting to seduce Wilbur. Again, unlike the movie, this is more than just trying to defend her understanding of life, this is wickedness. It’s believable that Movie Velma would attempt this, but it is still wicked. So because these two scenes are added in the movie, Velma crosses the line too far to go back by the end of the movie.
Another large factor is that Michelle Pfeiffer is not a character actress. What this means is that Velma becomes a more calculated cruel. Stage Velma is usually played by a character actress who says and does cruel things but always couched by a tinge of caricature, while Movie Velma isn’t so caricatured, if at all. Stage Velma is comparable to, say, Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, while Movie Velma you could imagine shouting slurs at the Little Rock Nine as they tried to go to school.
We hope—and have to expect—that many of those people shouting at the Little Rock Nine have since seen the light, but they probably didn’t do so after a well-written song on the subject.
Pop!
David Edelstein, in his commentary on CBS Sunday Morning (in which he also implied he was about the only straight man who likes musicals . . . which makes me mad), criticized the film’s “pop” music.
I’ve said this before, but I’ll just say it again. People criticize Hairspray for having pop music, but it is no more pop than the ragtime tunes in Ragtime or the flapper stylings of Jeanine Tesori’s Thoroughly Modern Millie. At one point, songs in these styles were popular, but they are not pop anymore. There’s nothing any more generic about 60’s pop than there is about 00’s pop or 20’s pop.
Furthermore, like those other shows, Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman’s music for Hairspray is written in the musical vernacular of the characters. Tracy Turnblad is a typical teenage girl in the early 1960s—she’s not going to be belting out “Good Morning Baltimore” like Rodgers and Hammerstein. Just because we all like theatre doesn’t mean that that is the musical vernacular of every character to appear on a Broadway stage.
It’s easy to see Shaiman and Wittman’s skill in doing this because the songs performed primarily by adults are not in the pop vernacular. Velma Von Tussle’s “(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs,” while orchestrated to fit in with the other songs, is definitely not in the same vein as the songs performed by the teens. Similarly, “The Big Dollhouse,” while tons of fun, is more of a traditional theatre song. “(You’re) Timeless to Me” and “I Know Where I’ve Been” are also fitting the older characters singing them.
the Broadway Mouth
September 29, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Revivals and Revisals: Paint Your Wagon Any Color You Want
Most recently, there has been some talk of a new production of Paint Your Wagon in which the story has apparently been rewritten to remove the polygamy elements while keeping the characters and basic elements of the original story.
I love my Paint Your Wagon CD. There are so many wonderful Lerner and Lowe songs (I can’t get enough of Olga San Juan’s “How Can I Wait?”), but when I read the libretto a couple years ago, it didn’t quite leave me with the same feeling.
Very few of the revivals to hit Broadway do so without some alteration. In Kiss Me, Kate, John Guare was tapped to make some ghost alterations to the Spewack’s original book, including making major changes to the Ron Holgate character as well as interpolating “From This Moment On” from another Porter show. According to Donna Murphy, there were some nips and tucks to Wonderful Town, while the producers of Bells are Ringing brought in Comden and Green to make some lyrics changes. In addition to her usual new orchestrations to open up shows for more dance, Susan Stroman switched around the order of things for The Music Man. Trevor Nunn got the Rodgers and Hammerstein organization to allow for some changes to Oklahoma!, and The Sound of Music revival added the two songs from the film.
Throughout Ken Bloom and Frank Vlastnik’s Broadway Musicals: The Greatest Shows of All Time, Bloom and Vlastnik make a case for keeping classic musicals just as they are, no re-writes, no updates, no edits. For a long time after reading this book for the first time, I felt strongly about that.
But now, I’m honestly torn.
Broadway musicals, in my mind, are like the plays of Tennessee Williams, the novels of Willa Cather, the short stories of Nathaniel Hawthorne. You don’t mess with great pieces of literature. They act as the signature of the writers, and they should be enjoyed and studied without alteration.
But then the truth is that musicals are collaborative pieces. It’s not just Jule Styne and Leo Robin’s songs, it’s also Joseph Fields and Anita Loos’ book, not to mention John C. Wilson’s direction which no doubt guided the whole effort, plus Agnes DeMille’s choreography. Without any one of those pieces, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes could have become a very different piece.
What changed my mind about Bloom and Vlastnik’s assertions was The Boy Friend. I saw the Julie Andrews tour. I was very excited to see it. Because Julie Andrews was on the CD, I had checked it out of the library several times in high school and copied three of the best songs onto a mix tape. Once I got into Broadway musicals, I bought the CD.
There are a lot of fun songs in that show, and from reading the plot synopsis in the liner notes, I had imagined it to be a funny and romantic show along the lines of Guys and Dolls. I even mentioned this to a friend of mine as a possible show I could direct when I was directing high school plays. She had seen the show and said, “I saw that at a high school once, and there was just nothing to it.” I figured she had just seen a dopey production.
Nope. Nope, she didn’t.
I know the show has fans, but when I finally saw it in production, whatever charms it had on the 1950s audience intimately familiar with the 1920s shows to which it was a valentine, was completely lost to the 2000s me. The plot is paper thin and the characters ½-dimensional.
A show simply must appeal to a modern audience. Theatre is not a museum. So, if that show contains sexist or racial caricatures no longer acceptable or jokes and plotting that wouldn’t connect with a modern audience, then the show needs to either be shelved or altered.
The problem is either when the music is so good or the book is so good except for “that one element” (or is great in summary but not in execution). One could argue that these are the exact reasons why Encores or Reprise exists, to showcase great music from shows that don’t get much play anymore, usually because of out-dated or clunky books.
However, there are millions upon millions of people without access to Encores or Reprise, yours truly being one of them. In its short run, more people saw the Sweet Charity revival (myself included) than could have ever have seen it in an Encores or Reprise production.
That is not to say that all changes are necessary. There is a big difference when “I’m an Indian Too” is excised because it requires Native American stereotypes that will turn off the wealthy, well-educated audience that supports Broadway, and when new songs are inserted in The Pajama Game for no apparent reason.
Honestly, there are many changes made for artistic interpretation of the director. That’s where I have issues. Nobody takes a great modern play, like The Crucible, and begins to add re-writes and switch things around because of their own artistic interpretation. This classic piece of literature, particularly now that Arthur Miller has died, is considered “locked.” Tennessee Williams isn’t around to makes alterations to Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, so nobody else will be allowed to. The director works to interpret what the playwright has given him or her. Like all great literature, it still leaves room for interpretation—is Brick gay or is he straight?—but it does so within the intents of the playwright.
I think of the Trevor Nunn Oklahoma! preserved so beautifully on DVD. As far as I can tell, the changes to that production were essentially interpretative changes—Trevor Nunn saying, “If I had originally directed this, here’s what I would have done.” But, I would say, “You didn’t, and you are compromising the playwrights’ intentions.”
That is really one of the key problems with much of the criticism on message boards. The harshness often comes not from “Where did this production go wrong” as much as “Here’s what I would have done, which is obviously infinitely better.” The problem arises when it results in the compromising of great American works of art.
But then you do have a problem when the shows become museum pieces. Should no one ever hear those great Cy Coleman and Carolyn Leigh Wildcat songs live because the libretto is reportedly weak?
A good example of this is with Richard M. and Robert B. Sherman’s Over Here!, which has a libretto by Will Holt. If you read the synopsis in the liner notes, the show sounds like tons of fun. However, if you read the libretto—published by Samuel French, so you can actually order it and read it—the show is written to the people who lived during World War II. It has a “remember the good old days” aura about it.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember the good old days. The good old days to me are Saved by the Bell. And, I don’t think there are tons of people who remember those good old days left to fill a theatre for a long run.
It would be my dream to write a modern musical comedy libretto for Over Here! using the old songs (and probably needing a few more added) to make it palatable for modern audiences, allowing audience to hear that great music again.
Did I mention I would love to see Paint Your Wagon on stage in an entertaining form?
But there I go contradicting myself. Bad, bad Broadway Mouth.
In the end, it’s all about money. Who wants it and who is willing to sacrifice grandpa’s work to get more of it? If I ever get a show or eight on Broadway, I hope to God my grandchildren aren’t bastardizing my work to send their children through college. But then, I also hope I write shows that are timeless enough to survive decades untouched.
the Broadway Mouth
September 26, 2007
I love my Paint Your Wagon CD. There are so many wonderful Lerner and Lowe songs (I can’t get enough of Olga San Juan’s “How Can I Wait?”), but when I read the libretto a couple years ago, it didn’t quite leave me with the same feeling.
Very few of the revivals to hit Broadway do so without some alteration. In Kiss Me, Kate, John Guare was tapped to make some ghost alterations to the Spewack’s original book, including making major changes to the Ron Holgate character as well as interpolating “From This Moment On” from another Porter show. According to Donna Murphy, there were some nips and tucks to Wonderful Town, while the producers of Bells are Ringing brought in Comden and Green to make some lyrics changes. In addition to her usual new orchestrations to open up shows for more dance, Susan Stroman switched around the order of things for The Music Man. Trevor Nunn got the Rodgers and Hammerstein organization to allow for some changes to Oklahoma!, and The Sound of Music revival added the two songs from the film.
Throughout Ken Bloom and Frank Vlastnik’s Broadway Musicals: The Greatest Shows of All Time, Bloom and Vlastnik make a case for keeping classic musicals just as they are, no re-writes, no updates, no edits. For a long time after reading this book for the first time, I felt strongly about that.
But now, I’m honestly torn.
Broadway musicals, in my mind, are like the plays of Tennessee Williams, the novels of Willa Cather, the short stories of Nathaniel Hawthorne. You don’t mess with great pieces of literature. They act as the signature of the writers, and they should be enjoyed and studied without alteration.
But then the truth is that musicals are collaborative pieces. It’s not just Jule Styne and Leo Robin’s songs, it’s also Joseph Fields and Anita Loos’ book, not to mention John C. Wilson’s direction which no doubt guided the whole effort, plus Agnes DeMille’s choreography. Without any one of those pieces, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes could have become a very different piece.
What changed my mind about Bloom and Vlastnik’s assertions was The Boy Friend. I saw the Julie Andrews tour. I was very excited to see it. Because Julie Andrews was on the CD, I had checked it out of the library several times in high school and copied three of the best songs onto a mix tape. Once I got into Broadway musicals, I bought the CD.
There are a lot of fun songs in that show, and from reading the plot synopsis in the liner notes, I had imagined it to be a funny and romantic show along the lines of Guys and Dolls. I even mentioned this to a friend of mine as a possible show I could direct when I was directing high school plays. She had seen the show and said, “I saw that at a high school once, and there was just nothing to it.” I figured she had just seen a dopey production.
Nope. Nope, she didn’t.
I know the show has fans, but when I finally saw it in production, whatever charms it had on the 1950s audience intimately familiar with the 1920s shows to which it was a valentine, was completely lost to the 2000s me. The plot is paper thin and the characters ½-dimensional.
A show simply must appeal to a modern audience. Theatre is not a museum. So, if that show contains sexist or racial caricatures no longer acceptable or jokes and plotting that wouldn’t connect with a modern audience, then the show needs to either be shelved or altered.
The problem is either when the music is so good or the book is so good except for “that one element” (or is great in summary but not in execution). One could argue that these are the exact reasons why Encores or Reprise exists, to showcase great music from shows that don’t get much play anymore, usually because of out-dated or clunky books.
However, there are millions upon millions of people without access to Encores or Reprise, yours truly being one of them. In its short run, more people saw the Sweet Charity revival (myself included) than could have ever have seen it in an Encores or Reprise production.
That is not to say that all changes are necessary. There is a big difference when “I’m an Indian Too” is excised because it requires Native American stereotypes that will turn off the wealthy, well-educated audience that supports Broadway, and when new songs are inserted in The Pajama Game for no apparent reason.
Honestly, there are many changes made for artistic interpretation of the director. That’s where I have issues. Nobody takes a great modern play, like The Crucible, and begins to add re-writes and switch things around because of their own artistic interpretation. This classic piece of literature, particularly now that Arthur Miller has died, is considered “locked.” Tennessee Williams isn’t around to makes alterations to Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, so nobody else will be allowed to. The director works to interpret what the playwright has given him or her. Like all great literature, it still leaves room for interpretation—is Brick gay or is he straight?—but it does so within the intents of the playwright.
I think of the Trevor Nunn Oklahoma! preserved so beautifully on DVD. As far as I can tell, the changes to that production were essentially interpretative changes—Trevor Nunn saying, “If I had originally directed this, here’s what I would have done.” But, I would say, “You didn’t, and you are compromising the playwrights’ intentions.”
That is really one of the key problems with much of the criticism on message boards. The harshness often comes not from “Where did this production go wrong” as much as “Here’s what I would have done, which is obviously infinitely better.” The problem arises when it results in the compromising of great American works of art.
But then you do have a problem when the shows become museum pieces. Should no one ever hear those great Cy Coleman and Carolyn Leigh Wildcat songs live because the libretto is reportedly weak?
A good example of this is with Richard M. and Robert B. Sherman’s Over Here!, which has a libretto by Will Holt. If you read the synopsis in the liner notes, the show sounds like tons of fun. However, if you read the libretto—published by Samuel French, so you can actually order it and read it—the show is written to the people who lived during World War II. It has a “remember the good old days” aura about it.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember the good old days. The good old days to me are Saved by the Bell. And, I don’t think there are tons of people who remember those good old days left to fill a theatre for a long run.
It would be my dream to write a modern musical comedy libretto for Over Here! using the old songs (and probably needing a few more added) to make it palatable for modern audiences, allowing audience to hear that great music again.
Did I mention I would love to see Paint Your Wagon on stage in an entertaining form?
But there I go contradicting myself. Bad, bad Broadway Mouth.
In the end, it’s all about money. Who wants it and who is willing to sacrifice grandpa’s work to get more of it? If I ever get a show or eight on Broadway, I hope to God my grandchildren aren’t bastardizing my work to send their children through college. But then, I also hope I write shows that are timeless enough to survive decades untouched.
the Broadway Mouth
September 26, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
A Vision’s Just a Vision / If It’s Only in Your Head. / If No One Gets to See It, / It’s as Good as Dead. Part II (and Final)
A couple weeks ago I posted my sitcom pilot just to air it out and to give someone a chance to see it. To my surprise, quite a few people read it. If you don’t care about it, then by all means, skip below for the wrap-up to “50 Amazing Broadway Performers in 50 Weekdays.”
But, for the same reason, I’m posting the only other script I have to share. I wrote it. It would be nice to have someone read it. I have other scripts I could share, but this is the only other one copyrighted (and registered with the WGA to boot). I don’t even have to worry about someone stealing it to use as their own spec script because Joey is now off the air, so it wouldn’t get anyone anywhere.
This was a spec script I wrote for the sitcom Joey. A spec script is written for a current show for the purpose of showcasing your abilities. A spec script is never written with the intent of being produced.
I’ll be honest and say that I never really watched Friends, but I selected Joey because, being a spin-off of that uber-popular show, I figured it’d be around for a long time (once a show goes off the air, no one wants to read that spec script, so you pick a show with legs). Of course, Joey only survived two seasons.
I did watch a good six or seven episodes to get a feel for the structure of the show, the sort of writing and storytelling, types of jokes, and the characters. I also bought a copy of a script to see how it read.
This show was not my preference in terms of style of humor and characters, but I worked hard to become a chameleon so that my script would feel like it belonged. My personal style doesn’t involve slut jokes and such, so I tried to keep to the show’s style without compromising my own tastes.
Again, I’ve altered the formatting to make it more readable and to account for limitations in Blogger’s formatting capabilities. This is not an attempt to use correct sitcom formats.
To remind you of the show, Joey had moved to Los Angeles to become an actor. The hilarious Jennifer Coolidge played his agent Bobbie. You have envision Jennifer Coolidge saying her lines. He lived with his dorky nephew Michael (Paulo Costanza), and his next door neighbor was the cute Alex (Andrea Anders). His sister Gina (Drea de Matteo) often popped in. She was slutty and proud of it. She also hated Alex and intimidated her.
This particular script was written before the end of Season 1 (where Joey and Alex shared a first kiss) but after Alex announced her impending divorce from her husband Eric.
Like before, if you have any thoughts based on experience or whatever, I’d love to grow from them. My email is broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
Teaser
Scene A
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE — DAY (DAY 1)
BOBBIE IS SITTING AT HER DESK LOOKING AT VACATION BROCHURES WHEN JOEY POPS IN. SHE QUICKLY TOSSES THEM UNDER HER DESK.
BOBBIE: Oh, hello, Joey. I was just looking at some scripts for you.
JOEY: See anything good on my horizon?
BOBBIE: There was a Double Mint commercial that looked promising, but the ending was a real dud.
JOEY: Can’t I look at it for myself?
BOBBIE: That’s what I get my money for, to weed out bad projects I spend hours trying to get you. But Joey, I do have some work lined up for you.
JOEY: Really?
BOBBIE: You like being around women, don’t you Joey?
JOEY: Like a skunk likes being around . . . other skunks.
BOBBIE: Gee, you’re like a Hallmark card on clearance.
JOEY: Hey, that’s good. Can I use it some time?
BOBBIE: It’s all yours.
JOEY: So, what’s this job involving women?
BOBBIE: There’s a convent school looking for a short-term drama teacher.
JOEY: Hey, I ain’t interested in nuns. Unless they’re really hot under that black dress thing.
BOBBIE: It’s teaching teenage girls. The nun who was teaching the class was just cast as a regular in a soap.
JOEY: Gee, why’d you think of me?
BOBBIE: Because I thought you’d work well with the kiddies. And the only other one desperate--special enough for the job has a sex crime conviction on his record.
JOEY: Gee, I’m honored. But I don’t think I’m Catholic material. I don’t even like Bloody Marys.
BOBBIE: Did I mention I heard about this from an executive producer at HBO whose daughter is in the class?
JOEY: (NOT GETTING IT) No, you didn’t.
BOBBIE: And he’d be a good connection to have . . . (NO RESPONSE) at HBO.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, I’ll take it! I love kids and nuns and paychecks.
BOBBIE: You’re as American as apple pie and Speedos.
JOEY: I’m gonna go learn all I can about Catholic-ism. I’ll be an expert by tomorrow.
BOBBIE: You go do that, big boy.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
SCENE B
FADE IN:
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD — LATER (DAY 1)
JOEY, GINA, AND MICHAEL ARE IN THE COURTYARD, SITTING AROUND A TABLE.
GINA: I don’t know how I can help you, Joey. I ain’t been inside a Catholic church since I broke up with Roger, that priest in training. That was the day I first heard the word celibacy, and I never forgot it.
MICHAEL: Then why did you send me to Sunday school for all those years?
GINA: So you could grow up to be a good Catholic boy and not like your uncle Joey.
JOEY: You guys, tomorrow, I gotta go in that school and talk to nuns and stuff. How am I ever gonna pull off Catholic if I don’t know anything about it?
GINA: You don’t go to church at all, Joey? Aren’t you scared of what’s gonna happen when you drop dead?
JOEY: Nah, I got it covered. Every year, I date at least two ugly girls as an act of charity. It’s my duty to those less beautiful than me.
MICHAEL: I, less beautiful than I.
JOEY: Hey, even I don’t go that low for charity.
ALEX ENTERS.
ALEX: Joey, I’m so glad you’re out here. I can’t believe what I got myself into. I auditioned for a part in a community theatre play, and I got it!
JOEY: You think you got it bad. I auditioned for a part as a Catholic, and I got it.
ALEX: I was wondering if you could give me some pointers. I’m the female lead, and I don’t know a thing about acting.
JOEY: Hey, do you know anything about being a Catholic?
ALEX: Well, I did take a History of Religions class in college. I think I remember a few things. If I help you out, will you help me out?
JOEY: It’s a deal!
ALEX: Well, let’s see . . . I know in the old days, sometimes Catholic men would have hairshirts.
JOEY: What was that, back when they had hairy backs?
MICHAEL: I don’t think that’s quite it. They would wear hairy shirts that were uncomfortable so they would always be remembered of Christ’s pain.
JOEY: (BLANK EXPRESSION) You know, this is all getting confusing. Maybe I should just rent Sister Act.
CUT TO:
SCENE B
INT. MOTHER SUPERIOR’S OFFICE, ST. SEBASTIAN’S CONVENT SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 2)
REVEREND MOTHER IS AN OLDER WOMAN IN A HABIT. SHE IS SITTING AT HER DESK READING THROUGH HER BIBLE WHEN ANOTHER NUN, SISTER MARY MARTHA, ENTERS. SHE IS NOT IN A TRADITIONAL HABIT. SHE SHOWS JOEY INTO THE ROOM.
SISTER MARY MARTHA: Reverend Mother, Joey Tribianni is here.
MOTHER: Please let him in, Sister Mary Martha.
SISTER MARY MARTHA LETS JOEY INTO THE ROOM. JOEY ENTERS NERVOUSLY.
REVEREND MOTHER (continued): Come in, Mr. Tribianni.
SHE REACHES OUT TO SHAKE HIS HAND, AND JOEY TAKES HER HAND IN HIS, GETTING DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSING IT.
JOEY: It’s a pleasure, Holy Mother.
REVEREND MOTHER: (SMILING WARMLY, TRYING TO STIFLE A GIGGLE) Mr. Tribianni, I’m not the pope. I am a sinner just like you.
JOEY: Okay, who told? Did my sister call? If she did—
REVEREND MOTHER: I’m afraid you are mistaken, Mr. Tribianni. God does not ask for perfect people, only for servants. And we are delighted that you will be joining us. Sister Mary Sharon was a dear presence on our faculty before she turned into a hussy. We are in the process of finding a permanent replacement, but as you might imagine, finding a sister with knowledge of the art of theatre who won’t do a nude scene for the sake of her art and a big paycheck has been a challenge.
JOEY: (CROSSING HIMSELF BUT DOING IT THE WRONG WAY) Amen.
REVEREND MOTHER: Sister Mary Theresa should be here shortly to show you to your classroom and the materials.
JOEY: Mother Superior, I have one confession I feel I must make. (QUICKLY RIPPING OFF HIS SHIRT) I don’t have any hair on my back.
REVEREND MOTHER: (QUICKLY TURNING AWAY) Mr. Tribianni, please—
JOEY: (TURNING AROUND, SHIRT STILL OFF) But it’s not like I shaved it off. I never had any to begin with. Heck, I hardly have any pubic—
REVEREND MOTHER: That’s all right. Please put your clothes back on.
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, SHOCKED AT WHAT SHE SEES. SHE’S A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
JOEY: Hi. And don’t mind the pecs. They come standard.
JOEY PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.
REVEREND MOTHER: Well, um, thank you for clarifying. Now, if you will follow Sister Mary Theresa, she will show you to your classroom.
JOEY: Greetings, Sister Merry Theresa. I’m Joey Tribianni.
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND TO SHAKE HIS, AND AGAIN, HE GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSES HER HAND.
REVEREND MOTHER: Mr. Tribianni, that’s really not necessary.
JOEY: Oh. (GETS UP, SEES THEM SMILING) You know, I’m gonna like it here. You’re all so merry. It’s like eternal Christmas, except with a paycheck.
CUT TO:
SCENE C
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
MICHAEL AND GINA ARE SITTING WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR, EXCITED.
JOEY: You guys, I’m gonna love being Catholic.
GINA: How’d it go?
JOEY: Everybody there is so merry. It’s like the happiest place on earth. It’s better than Disney World! And did you know not all nuns wear those black dress things. There are some hot nuns out there.
MICHAEL: I’m not sure, but I think that’s a sin.
JOEY: Hey, if God made them hot, what are they supposed to do about it?
GINA: Alex has been by three times. She needs you to help her with that play thing she’s in.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. As long as I’m being Catholic, I want to make sure I keep my word. And remind me not to get divorced until after this job is over.
MICHAEL: Joey, you’re not even married.
JOEY: That means a vow of celibacy, doesn’t it? Ah, man!
CUT TO:
SCENE D
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
ALEX IS OVER AT JOEY’S, AND MICHAEL IS THERE. THEY EACH HAVE COPIES OF THE PLAY.
MICHAEL: Why do I have to play the old hag aunt?
JOEY: Because she’s got better legs.
ALEX: I do?
JOEY: Have you seen his?
MICHAEL: I read a study that said only 15% of women cared what men looked like.
ALEX: I think the other 85% were married.
JOEY: Anyway, let’s take the scene from the beginning.
ALEX, AS IT TURNS OUT, IS A HORRIBLE ACTOR. SHE CAN’T GET A SINGLE LINE DOWN WITHOUT IT SOUNDING LIKE SHE’S SPECIAL ED.
ALEX: (READING THE PART) But Aunt Natalie, my heart belongs with Edward, who loves me more than I could have ever hoped to have been loved.
MICHAEL STARTS TO TALK, THEN STOPS.
JOEY: Say it.
MICHAEL: (HESITATES) Honey, women like us understand men problems, don’t we. I was but a girl your age when I met and fell madly in love with Charles.
ALEX: But wasn’t your marriage sad and mournful for you? (STOPS) I’m awful, aren’t I?
JOEY: Well, you’re no me, if that’s what you mean.
ALEX: What did I get myself into? I’m in way over my head. I just thought, you know, with the divorce and everything, this theatre production might give me opportunities to meet people.
MICHAEL: I didn’t think it was so bad.
ALEX: (VERY HOPEFUL) Really?
MICHAEL: Sorry, I was just reading the next line.
JOEY: How did you ever get cast?
ALEX: I don’t know. Right away the director, he just seemed so interested . . .
GINA ENTERS. SHE IS DRESSED PARTICULARLY SLUTTY.
GINA: Alex, do you have that skirt and top I borrowed you to wear to your audition? I’m going out tonight, and everything else I have covers too much skin.
ALEX: Oh, yeah. Can I get it for you after my lesson here?
GINA: Sure.
ALEX : Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I don’t know why, but he just seemed interested right away, and now, I don’t know if I can do this. What am I going to do? The director is counting on me to come through for him.
JOEY: Yeah, it sounds like in more ways than one.
FADE OUT
SCENE E
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 3)
IT IS JOEY’S CLASSROOM, A TRADITIONAL SCHOOLROOM WITH DESKS, POSTERS ON THE WALLS, BOOKS, ETC. SISTER MARY THERESA AND JOEY ENTER.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Mr. Tribianni—
JOEY: Please, call me Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Okay, Joey, I teach math down the hall. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask. I really want your time here to be successful.
JOEY: Thank you, Sister Merry Theresa.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Class will be starting shortly, so I’ll leave you to get your things together. Have a great first day.
JOEY: Thanks. I know it’ll be as merry as yours.
AS SHE LEAVES, HE CHECKS HER OUT. HE THEN TURNS TO LOOK AT THE ROOM. A BELL RINGS AND SOON, TEENAGE GIRLS BEGIN FILLING THE ROOM. THEY RANGE IN AGES FROM 15-18, AND THEY ARE WEARING CONSERVATIVE UNIFORMS. SOME OF THE GIRLS ARE OOO-ING AND AH-ING OVER HIM, OTHERS ARE JUST CURIOUS.
JOEY: Good morning, children. Please, I beseech you to have a seat.
KARI, AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN, RAISES HER HAND.
JOEY: Yes, dear child.
KARI: You’re not a nun, are you?
JOEY: Not since I checked this morning. Anyway, blessed children, I will be your theatre teacher until a nun can be found. You may call me Brother Merry Joseph.
ALL THE GIRLS SNICKER.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
KARI: Nothing, Brother Mary Joseph . . .
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE F
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – EARLY EVENING (DAY 5)
GINA IS READING THROUGH A MAGAZINE ON JOEY’S COUCH WHEN ALEX POPS IN.
ALEX: Is Joey home from work yet?
GINA: No.
ALEX: I have rehearsal tonight, and I was hoping he could work with me some more. Tonight is when I practice my big kissing scene, and I’m worried I won’t do it well.
GINA: And not without reason, I’m sure.
ALEX: Gina . . . What’s it . . . What’s it like kissing men whom you’re not married to?
GINA: No, don’t tell me . . . Don’t tell me—
ALEX: My first and last kiss was for Eric, and I—
GINA: Oh, Honey, no wonder you’re such a cold fish. You need to get caught up. (CALLING) Michael!
ALEX: What are you doing?
GINA: You need some practice.
MICHAEL ENTERS, COMING DOWN THE STEPS.
MICHAEL: Yeah, mom?
GINA: Michael honey, kiss Alex.
MICHAEL: Huh, wha—
ALEX: Gina, that’s very kind of you, but I couldn’t—
GINA: Hold on a second. What am I doing? You’re not good enough for my son. You keep your lips off him, tramp.
GINA GETS UP TO LEAVE AS JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR.
GINA (continued): Keep your eyes on her around my son. (LOOKING BACK) On second thought, Michael, come with me. I think your uncle Joey is a bad influence.
MICHAEL: Okay, Mom. (TO ALEX) Don’t worry. I’ll let her egg your car. That always seems to help.
GINA AND MICHAEL EXIT.
JOEY: Whoa, what was that all about?
ALEX: I’m not sure, and I was here.
JOEY: How’s the play coming?
ALEX: Joey, I’m afraid. I can tell the director is getting increasingly annoyed with me. Even with all your help, I’m still awful. Tonight is the big kissing scene, and I’m so afraid I’ll be bad.
JOEY: (SITTING ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HER) Well, being an expert on the arts of acting and kissing, I will be glad to give you some pointers.
ALEX: Wow, I feel like I’m training with a Jedi Knight.
JOEY: First off, you have to analyze your character. I look at how my character kisses, the purpose, the length, how hot the girl is and how badly I want to kiss her. What about your character?
ALEX: Oh, I think she’s really in love. She wants to marry this guy.
JOEY: So you want to make it good. Now, an acting kiss is like kissing in real life. You lean in, and you give it all your character would. Should we give it a go?
ALEX: Oh . . . okay. Let me say my line to get in the mood. (SAYING THE LINE) I want you. I want your body. Come here, lover.
SHE LEANS IN BUT THEN BEGINS GIGGLING AND CANNOT FOLLOW THROUGH.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
ALEX: This seems so odd. You know, me here, kissing you of all people.
JOEY: I don’t think it’s so funny.
ALEX: It’s just that you’re not my type, you know.
JOEY: I’m not boring enough, huh?
ALEX: Hey, I don’t go for boring guys . . . Just more the CPA type.
JOEY: It doesn’t matter what type you go for. When you’re acting, the type you go for is the one right in front of you. Now, let’s try it again.
SHE LEANS IN AND AGGRESSIVELY KISSES JOEY IN A PASSIONATE, PROLONGED KISS. ONCE SHE PULLS AWAY, JOEY IS TAKEN ABACK, STILL RECOVERING.
JOEY: Wow, that was some kiss. On a scale of Tammy-to-Sandra, you are definitely in the Sandra range.
ALEX: I am? Is that good?
JOEY: Hey, her name isn’t Sandra Bullock for nothing.
ALEX: (NODDING, REALIZING) Yeah . . . yeah, it was all right.
JOEY: All right? What do you mean it was all right?
ALEX: I don’t know. I guess I mean that it was . . . perfunctory.
JOEY: Listen Miss Throwsaroundbigwords, these lips have touched some of the most beautiful women this side of Days of Our Lives, and I have never been all right or parfunkt . . . pefrunt . . . all right.
ALEX: Joey, you were fine. Don’t worry about it.
JOEY: You meant that like fine, as in exquisite, right?
ALEX: It means whatever you need it to mean.
JOEY: (SMILING PROUDLY) So I’m exquisite, huh?
CUT TO:
SCENE G
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 6)
JOEY AND SISTER MARY THERESA ENTER, CARRYING A LOAD OF BOOKS INTO THE CLASSROOM. AS HE SETS THE BOOKS DOWN, SHE ACCIDENTALLY RUNS INTO HIM, TOUCHING HIS DERRIERE. HE IMMEDIATELY LOOKS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Sorry. Did I bump you?
JOEY: That’s all right. What’s a little gluteus maximus between fellow Catholic teachers? So, you’re a little attractive to be a nun, aren’t you?
SISTER MARY THERESA: Fortunately, they don’t have an ugliness requirement to follow God.
JOEY: Yes, and am I thankful for that!
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) So, what do you do when you’re not teaching teenage girls to act?
JOEY: You mean when I’m not counting the beads on my rosary and being merry? I’m an actor myself.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Oh, really? What have you been in?
JOEY: I recently did a guest stint on the Baywatch reunion. Maybe you saw me. I played “Hot Guy on Beach.”
SISTER MARY THERESA: I don’t watch television.
JOEY: Oh, that’s right.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING AGAIN) I have a feeling you are a breath of fresh air around here, Joey.
JOEY: And I’m sure you’re a breast of fresh air, too. (BEAT) I said breath, you just heard it wrong.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING) I’d better get to my classroom before class starts, but you know, I’m really glad you’re here.
JOEY: Thanks. And I’m really glad you’re here, too. I mean, I could never teach math.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS, AND JOEY QUICKLY PULLS OUT HIS CELL PHONE, DIALING.
JOEY: Hey Michael, it’s me. Have you seen Alex this morning? . . . Did she say anything about last night?
AS HE CONTINUES ON, THE GIRLS ENTER THE CLASSROOM. WHEN THEY SEE THAT HE IS ON THE PHONE, THEY STAY QUIET, EAVESDROPPING ON HIS CONVERSATION.
JOEY (continued): I know I shouldn’t have done it, and now I’m all concerned. I could have caused a delayed reaction, and when that reaction hits, watch out world! I just hope she’s not operating heavy machinery at the time. I’m so stupid! How could I have kissed Alex like that?
IMMEDIATELY, ALL THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND CHUCKLE.
JOEY (continued): (TURNING AROUND) I must leave you now, dear nephew. My students await.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS CHUCKLE AGAIN.
CUT TO:
SCENE H
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 6)
ALEX IS TALKING TO GINA IN JOEY’S APARTMENT.
ALEX: Gina, I don’t even know what happened yesterday. But I promise you, I’m not interested in Michael.
GINA: That’s good to hear. I was worried there for a minute. Hey wait a minute, why aren’t you interested in my son? Is there something wrong with him?
ALEX: No, not at all, I—
GINA: Well let me tell you something, you’re too good for my son! I mean, my son’s too good for you.
ALEX: I’m sure he is—
JOEY ENTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
JOEY: Hey, I love watching women wrestle. Let’s get some mud and make it real fun. Could I convince you to change into bikinis?
ALEX: That’s gross. She’s your sister!
GINA: Oh, you don’t think I look good in a bikini?
ALEX: I think, I think this is where I exit before I have to spend millions on major facial reconstruction surgery.
ALEX RUNS OUT.
JOEY: Well, if the bikini mud wrestling thing ever does happen, we’ll change you out for the math teacher at my school.
GINA: Wait, don’t you work at a nun school?
JOEY: Yeah. Let me tell you, Sister Merry Theresa is like Angelina Jolie in a black dress.
GINA: You idiot, you can’t think of a nun like that.
JOEY: But I think she’s hot for me. She touched my “gluteus maximus” today.
GINA: Joey, don’t you know, dating a nun is a one way ticket to hell. When you die, God’s gonna look in his records and see you un-nunned a nun, and you’re gonna be burning faster than Michael Jackson’s nose.
JOEY: Curse this hot body of mine!
GINA: Keep hitting on nuns and God’s gonna do it for you.
CUT TO:
SCENE I
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – MORNING (DAY 7)
JOEY IS KNEELING AT HIS DESK, IN PRAYER FORMATION.
JOEY: God, I came in early today to beseech you to forgive me for being the kind of guy women get hot for. You made me so all the women wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off me. This is my gift, my curse. God, I don’t want my nose to burn. Look, it’s six o’clock in the morning, and I’m here praying in a Catholic school. That’s how serious I am. Amen. (LOOKS UP) Gee, that didn’t take so long. Maybe I can take a little nap before school.
HE SITS IN HIS DESK, PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN AND FALLS ASLEEP.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE J
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – ONE HOUR LATER (DAY 7)
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, AND JOEY IS STILL ASLEEP AT HIS DESK.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey. Joey. Wake up.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, hey. I came in early to talk with the Big G, and I fell asleep.
SISTER MARY THERESA: That’s what I love to see, a man in pursuit of God.
JOEY: (TRYING TO MAKE HER LOSE INTEREST) Well, I . . . I’m not always a man of God. Sometimes, I sin.
SISTER MARY THERESA: And a humble one at that! Have a great day, Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS.
JOEY: Well, wait—Shoot! That didn’t go as planned. God, what can I do? Women find me irresistible! (BEAT) And hey, can you really blame them? (GETS UP, SHAKING HIS HAND) Oh great, now my hand is asleep.
THE GIRLS ENTER, AND JOEY IS LEFT TO START TEACHING WITH A LIMP WRIST.
JOEY: Good morning, girls.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
JOEY: Okay, girls, every time you say my name, you always laugh. (PAWING HIS NUMB HAND AT THEM) That’s not funny.
KARI: I’m sorry Brother Mary Joseph, but we just never expected to get a gay teacher at a convent school.
SARAH: But we still think you’re cute.
JOEY: Thanks. Hey, wait a minute, I’m not—
KARI: There’s no use in denying it, Brother Mary. How often do you kiss Alex?
JOEY: Well, there was just once.
TABITHA: My father says once is all it takes.
JOEY: (PAWING AT THEM WITH HIS LIMP WRIST) I’m not . . . Alex is a . . .
KARI: That’s all right, Brother. We accept you as you are.
TINA: And if things don’t work out between you and Alex, I have an uncle who said he’d be interested.
JOEY: I’m not . . . Hold on a minute. I mean, I did kiss Alex, but . . . she’s . . . she’s a she! You know, short for Alexandra or Alexette or something.
AS HE IS TALKING, SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS WITHOUT JOEY SEEING HER.
KARI: (ADDING EVIDENCE) And you’re an acting teacher.
TINA: (MORE EVIDENCE) And you’re cute. My mother says that’s a sure sign.
KARI: Face it, Brother, it doesn’t take a mathematician to add up one and one and one to get three. (AS SHE SAYS THREE, SHE PAW AT HIM WITH A LIMP WRIST)
JOEY: (GROWING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) My hand fell asleep!
KARI: We can handle the truth, Brother.
JOEY: Now listen girls, I am not . . . gay. I mean I, I— (FINALLY LOSING IT) I like having sex with women. A lot! (HE TURNS AND SEES SISTER MARY THERESA) I mean, when I’m married because Catholics only have sex . . . ual relations when they are in a marriage reunion.
KARI: You mean, you’re really not gay?
JOEY: If I was gay, would I get so turned on by seeing Sister Mary Theresa? (BEAT) Philosophically turned on, that is . . .
SISTER MARY THERESA: (STILL SMILING) Girls, why don’t you take a five minute break? And when you return, we’ll have Reverend Mother talk to you about the sin of stereotyping.
THE GIRLS ALL EXIT QUICKLY. TINA STOPS BEFORE LEAVING.
TINA: Well, if you change your mind, Brother Mary Joseph, my uncle sure would appreciate it.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Break, Tina, break.
TINA NODS, AND SHE EXITS.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Brother Mary Joseph?
JOEY: Yeah, you guys were so merry and cheerful all the time, I wanted to be too.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) Oh, Joey, that’s too funny. Mary is part of our name as in Mary, Mother of Christ.
JOEY: Well, why didn’t somebody say so! Now Sister Mary Theresa, about us . . . I know I’m attractive and fun and a good kisser, though you wouldn’t know that, but I don’t want you to, you know, turn your back on God. I’d be worth giving up a lot of other things for but even I can’t compete with the Big Guy in the Sky.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey, I—
JOEY: I know it must be hard when an attractive, talented, and intelligent male individual like myself enters your life, but trust me when I say, I don’t want to go to hell for making you lose your nunhood.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) I’m not interested in you.
JOEY: You’re not?
SISTER MARY THERESA: No, Joey. I chose to be a nun, and I chose this way to follow and serve God. If I really wanted to be with a man, I could turn my back on this life, and God would still love me. But this is my choice.
JOEY: Weird.
SISTER MARY THERESA: To some, maybe.
JOEY: If you weren’t a nun, do you think you’d find me irresistible?
SISTER MARY THERESA: (BEAT) I don’t know . . . I don’t go for gay men.
SHE LAUGHS.
CUT TO:
SCENE K
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD – LATER (DAY 7)
GINA IS DOING HER NAILS IN THE COURTYARD. ALEX STICKS HER ARM OUT OF HER DOOR WITH A WHITE DISHCLOTH IN HER HAND.
GINA: Come on out. I’m not after you anymore.
ALEX ENTERS, HESITANTLY.
ALEX: You’re not?
GINA: Michael explained it all to me. I understand. I guess I can act a little crazy when it comes to my son.
ALEX: A little?! (GINA GIVES HER A NASTY LOOK.) Yeah, a little, I guess.
JOEY ENTERS.
GINA: How was your fourth day at school?
JOEY: Awful. Not only did I make a fool of myself and have to quit my job, but the second woman in two days didn’t come on to me.
MICHAEL ENTERS THE COURTYARD. HE HAS A HOT YOUNG, ALBEIT SOMEWHAT NERDY, WOMAN STANDING BESIDE HIM. THEY ARE BOTH HOLDING BOOKS, AND SHE’S SMILING AT HIM.
MICHAEL: Hi, everyone. This is Bambi. I’m her tutor. Bambi, this is everyone.
BAMBI: (LOOKING UP BRIEFLY) Hi, everyone.
MICHAEL
We’re off to study.
AS SHE WALKS PAST JOEY, HE PUTS ON A LOOK OF SURE-FIRE SEX APPEAL. SHE GLANCES AT HIM MOMENTARILY.
BAMBI: (AS THEY EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT) Who’s that funny looking guy—the one with the big head?
MICHAEL: That’s my uncle, Joey. He’s almost old enough to be my father.
BAMBI: He looks like it.
JOEY IS DEJECTED, AND GINA IS BESIDE HERSELF WITH AMUSEMENT.
GINA: That oughtta teach you to mess with a nun.
JOEY IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO LEAVE THE COURTYARD.
ALEX: Where are you going?
JOEY: To the library. I gotta find an ugly girl and fast. I can’t take this much longer!
HE RUNS OUT. AFTER A BEAT, HE RUNS BACK IN.
JOEY: There is a library in Los Angeles, isn’t there?
ALEX: Yeah. It’s down next to—
JOEY: Eh, forget the library. I’ll just go to the bookstore at the mall. Any girl who spends her money on buying books instead of on make-up and stuff has gotta be pretty pathetic.
HE EXITS AGAIN.
GINA: If I could just meet a guy like him . . . Say, how’s the play?
ALEX: Not good. The director recast my part last night.
GINA: What happened?
ALEX: Well, it became apparent he only cast me because he thought I was easy, if you know what I mean.
GINA: Ah, how sweet of him.
ALEX: No, Gina, um, that wasn’t a good thing.
GINA: It’s not? Well then, I’m going to call him up right now and tell him I don’t want no stinkin’ part in his play! What’s good enough for you is good enough for me! He’ll have to find himself another bimbo.
GINA EXITS.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
SCENE L
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE – SAME DAY (DAY 8)
BOBBIE IS SITTING IN HER OFFICE WITH JOEY.
BOBBIE: Well, Joey, no use crying over spilled milk.
JOEY: I didn’t spill any milk. I made a fool of myself at a convent, though looking masculine and attractive the whole time.
BOBBIE: Yeah . . . Well, Joey, I have to go now. (SHE GETS UP, PICKING UP A SUITCASE FROM BEHIND HER DESK) I’m going to Hawaii for a month.
JOEY: But Bobbie, I’m experiencing grief. I need some comforting from my agent.
BOBBIE: (EXHALING AS IF IT’S A BOTHER) Okay. Don’t worry, Joey. These things happen every once in a while. One of these days soon, you’ll go out and find the role of a lifetime, and if it happens any time in the next month, why don’t you call me on my cell and let me know? I could afford to stay an extra week, then. (GATHERING HER THINGS) If you need anything else, pretend I’m dead until next month, okay?
BOBBIE EXITS, LEAVING JOEY BEHIND.
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
the Broadway Mouth
September 25, 2007
But, for the same reason, I’m posting the only other script I have to share. I wrote it. It would be nice to have someone read it. I have other scripts I could share, but this is the only other one copyrighted (and registered with the WGA to boot). I don’t even have to worry about someone stealing it to use as their own spec script because Joey is now off the air, so it wouldn’t get anyone anywhere.
This was a spec script I wrote for the sitcom Joey. A spec script is written for a current show for the purpose of showcasing your abilities. A spec script is never written with the intent of being produced.
I’ll be honest and say that I never really watched Friends, but I selected Joey because, being a spin-off of that uber-popular show, I figured it’d be around for a long time (once a show goes off the air, no one wants to read that spec script, so you pick a show with legs). Of course, Joey only survived two seasons.
I did watch a good six or seven episodes to get a feel for the structure of the show, the sort of writing and storytelling, types of jokes, and the characters. I also bought a copy of a script to see how it read.
This show was not my preference in terms of style of humor and characters, but I worked hard to become a chameleon so that my script would feel like it belonged. My personal style doesn’t involve slut jokes and such, so I tried to keep to the show’s style without compromising my own tastes.
Again, I’ve altered the formatting to make it more readable and to account for limitations in Blogger’s formatting capabilities. This is not an attempt to use correct sitcom formats.
To remind you of the show, Joey had moved to Los Angeles to become an actor. The hilarious Jennifer Coolidge played his agent Bobbie. You have envision Jennifer Coolidge saying her lines. He lived with his dorky nephew Michael (Paulo Costanza), and his next door neighbor was the cute Alex (Andrea Anders). His sister Gina (Drea de Matteo) often popped in. She was slutty and proud of it. She also hated Alex and intimidated her.
This particular script was written before the end of Season 1 (where Joey and Alex shared a first kiss) but after Alex announced her impending divorce from her husband Eric.
Like before, if you have any thoughts based on experience or whatever, I’d love to grow from them. My email is broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
Teaser
Scene A
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE — DAY (DAY 1)
BOBBIE IS SITTING AT HER DESK LOOKING AT VACATION BROCHURES WHEN JOEY POPS IN. SHE QUICKLY TOSSES THEM UNDER HER DESK.
BOBBIE: Oh, hello, Joey. I was just looking at some scripts for you.
JOEY: See anything good on my horizon?
BOBBIE: There was a Double Mint commercial that looked promising, but the ending was a real dud.
JOEY: Can’t I look at it for myself?
BOBBIE: That’s what I get my money for, to weed out bad projects I spend hours trying to get you. But Joey, I do have some work lined up for you.
JOEY: Really?
BOBBIE: You like being around women, don’t you Joey?
JOEY: Like a skunk likes being around . . . other skunks.
BOBBIE: Gee, you’re like a Hallmark card on clearance.
JOEY: Hey, that’s good. Can I use it some time?
BOBBIE: It’s all yours.
JOEY: So, what’s this job involving women?
BOBBIE: There’s a convent school looking for a short-term drama teacher.
JOEY: Hey, I ain’t interested in nuns. Unless they’re really hot under that black dress thing.
BOBBIE: It’s teaching teenage girls. The nun who was teaching the class was just cast as a regular in a soap.
JOEY: Gee, why’d you think of me?
BOBBIE: Because I thought you’d work well with the kiddies. And the only other one desperate--special enough for the job has a sex crime conviction on his record.
JOEY: Gee, I’m honored. But I don’t think I’m Catholic material. I don’t even like Bloody Marys.
BOBBIE: Did I mention I heard about this from an executive producer at HBO whose daughter is in the class?
JOEY: (NOT GETTING IT) No, you didn’t.
BOBBIE: And he’d be a good connection to have . . . (NO RESPONSE) at HBO.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, I’ll take it! I love kids and nuns and paychecks.
BOBBIE: You’re as American as apple pie and Speedos.
JOEY: I’m gonna go learn all I can about Catholic-ism. I’ll be an expert by tomorrow.
BOBBIE: You go do that, big boy.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
SCENE B
FADE IN:
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD — LATER (DAY 1)
JOEY, GINA, AND MICHAEL ARE IN THE COURTYARD, SITTING AROUND A TABLE.
GINA: I don’t know how I can help you, Joey. I ain’t been inside a Catholic church since I broke up with Roger, that priest in training. That was the day I first heard the word celibacy, and I never forgot it.
MICHAEL: Then why did you send me to Sunday school for all those years?
GINA: So you could grow up to be a good Catholic boy and not like your uncle Joey.
JOEY: You guys, tomorrow, I gotta go in that school and talk to nuns and stuff. How am I ever gonna pull off Catholic if I don’t know anything about it?
GINA: You don’t go to church at all, Joey? Aren’t you scared of what’s gonna happen when you drop dead?
JOEY: Nah, I got it covered. Every year, I date at least two ugly girls as an act of charity. It’s my duty to those less beautiful than me.
MICHAEL: I, less beautiful than I.
JOEY: Hey, even I don’t go that low for charity.
ALEX ENTERS.
ALEX: Joey, I’m so glad you’re out here. I can’t believe what I got myself into. I auditioned for a part in a community theatre play, and I got it!
JOEY: You think you got it bad. I auditioned for a part as a Catholic, and I got it.
ALEX: I was wondering if you could give me some pointers. I’m the female lead, and I don’t know a thing about acting.
JOEY: Hey, do you know anything about being a Catholic?
ALEX: Well, I did take a History of Religions class in college. I think I remember a few things. If I help you out, will you help me out?
JOEY: It’s a deal!
ALEX: Well, let’s see . . . I know in the old days, sometimes Catholic men would have hairshirts.
JOEY: What was that, back when they had hairy backs?
MICHAEL: I don’t think that’s quite it. They would wear hairy shirts that were uncomfortable so they would always be remembered of Christ’s pain.
JOEY: (BLANK EXPRESSION) You know, this is all getting confusing. Maybe I should just rent Sister Act.
CUT TO:
SCENE B
INT. MOTHER SUPERIOR’S OFFICE, ST. SEBASTIAN’S CONVENT SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 2)
REVEREND MOTHER IS AN OLDER WOMAN IN A HABIT. SHE IS SITTING AT HER DESK READING THROUGH HER BIBLE WHEN ANOTHER NUN, SISTER MARY MARTHA, ENTERS. SHE IS NOT IN A TRADITIONAL HABIT. SHE SHOWS JOEY INTO THE ROOM.
SISTER MARY MARTHA: Reverend Mother, Joey Tribianni is here.
MOTHER: Please let him in, Sister Mary Martha.
SISTER MARY MARTHA LETS JOEY INTO THE ROOM. JOEY ENTERS NERVOUSLY.
REVEREND MOTHER (continued): Come in, Mr. Tribianni.
SHE REACHES OUT TO SHAKE HIS HAND, AND JOEY TAKES HER HAND IN HIS, GETTING DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSING IT.
JOEY: It’s a pleasure, Holy Mother.
REVEREND MOTHER: (SMILING WARMLY, TRYING TO STIFLE A GIGGLE) Mr. Tribianni, I’m not the pope. I am a sinner just like you.
JOEY: Okay, who told? Did my sister call? If she did—
REVEREND MOTHER: I’m afraid you are mistaken, Mr. Tribianni. God does not ask for perfect people, only for servants. And we are delighted that you will be joining us. Sister Mary Sharon was a dear presence on our faculty before she turned into a hussy. We are in the process of finding a permanent replacement, but as you might imagine, finding a sister with knowledge of the art of theatre who won’t do a nude scene for the sake of her art and a big paycheck has been a challenge.
JOEY: (CROSSING HIMSELF BUT DOING IT THE WRONG WAY) Amen.
REVEREND MOTHER: Sister Mary Theresa should be here shortly to show you to your classroom and the materials.
JOEY: Mother Superior, I have one confession I feel I must make. (QUICKLY RIPPING OFF HIS SHIRT) I don’t have any hair on my back.
REVEREND MOTHER: (QUICKLY TURNING AWAY) Mr. Tribianni, please—
JOEY: (TURNING AROUND, SHIRT STILL OFF) But it’s not like I shaved it off. I never had any to begin with. Heck, I hardly have any pubic—
REVEREND MOTHER: That’s all right. Please put your clothes back on.
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, SHOCKED AT WHAT SHE SEES. SHE’S A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
JOEY: Hi. And don’t mind the pecs. They come standard.
JOEY PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.
REVEREND MOTHER: Well, um, thank you for clarifying. Now, if you will follow Sister Mary Theresa, she will show you to your classroom.
JOEY: Greetings, Sister Merry Theresa. I’m Joey Tribianni.
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND TO SHAKE HIS, AND AGAIN, HE GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSES HER HAND.
REVEREND MOTHER: Mr. Tribianni, that’s really not necessary.
JOEY: Oh. (GETS UP, SEES THEM SMILING) You know, I’m gonna like it here. You’re all so merry. It’s like eternal Christmas, except with a paycheck.
CUT TO:
SCENE C
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
MICHAEL AND GINA ARE SITTING WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR, EXCITED.
JOEY: You guys, I’m gonna love being Catholic.
GINA: How’d it go?
JOEY: Everybody there is so merry. It’s like the happiest place on earth. It’s better than Disney World! And did you know not all nuns wear those black dress things. There are some hot nuns out there.
MICHAEL: I’m not sure, but I think that’s a sin.
JOEY: Hey, if God made them hot, what are they supposed to do about it?
GINA: Alex has been by three times. She needs you to help her with that play thing she’s in.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. As long as I’m being Catholic, I want to make sure I keep my word. And remind me not to get divorced until after this job is over.
MICHAEL: Joey, you’re not even married.
JOEY: That means a vow of celibacy, doesn’t it? Ah, man!
CUT TO:
SCENE D
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
ALEX IS OVER AT JOEY’S, AND MICHAEL IS THERE. THEY EACH HAVE COPIES OF THE PLAY.
MICHAEL: Why do I have to play the old hag aunt?
JOEY: Because she’s got better legs.
ALEX: I do?
JOEY: Have you seen his?
MICHAEL: I read a study that said only 15% of women cared what men looked like.
ALEX: I think the other 85% were married.
JOEY: Anyway, let’s take the scene from the beginning.
ALEX, AS IT TURNS OUT, IS A HORRIBLE ACTOR. SHE CAN’T GET A SINGLE LINE DOWN WITHOUT IT SOUNDING LIKE SHE’S SPECIAL ED.
ALEX: (READING THE PART) But Aunt Natalie, my heart belongs with Edward, who loves me more than I could have ever hoped to have been loved.
MICHAEL STARTS TO TALK, THEN STOPS.
JOEY: Say it.
MICHAEL: (HESITATES) Honey, women like us understand men problems, don’t we. I was but a girl your age when I met and fell madly in love with Charles.
ALEX: But wasn’t your marriage sad and mournful for you? (STOPS) I’m awful, aren’t I?
JOEY: Well, you’re no me, if that’s what you mean.
ALEX: What did I get myself into? I’m in way over my head. I just thought, you know, with the divorce and everything, this theatre production might give me opportunities to meet people.
MICHAEL: I didn’t think it was so bad.
ALEX: (VERY HOPEFUL) Really?
MICHAEL: Sorry, I was just reading the next line.
JOEY: How did you ever get cast?
ALEX: I don’t know. Right away the director, he just seemed so interested . . .
GINA ENTERS. SHE IS DRESSED PARTICULARLY SLUTTY.
GINA: Alex, do you have that skirt and top I borrowed you to wear to your audition? I’m going out tonight, and everything else I have covers too much skin.
ALEX: Oh, yeah. Can I get it for you after my lesson here?
GINA: Sure.
ALEX : Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I don’t know why, but he just seemed interested right away, and now, I don’t know if I can do this. What am I going to do? The director is counting on me to come through for him.
JOEY: Yeah, it sounds like in more ways than one.
FADE OUT
SCENE E
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 3)
IT IS JOEY’S CLASSROOM, A TRADITIONAL SCHOOLROOM WITH DESKS, POSTERS ON THE WALLS, BOOKS, ETC. SISTER MARY THERESA AND JOEY ENTER.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Mr. Tribianni—
JOEY: Please, call me Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Okay, Joey, I teach math down the hall. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask. I really want your time here to be successful.
JOEY: Thank you, Sister Merry Theresa.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Class will be starting shortly, so I’ll leave you to get your things together. Have a great first day.
JOEY: Thanks. I know it’ll be as merry as yours.
AS SHE LEAVES, HE CHECKS HER OUT. HE THEN TURNS TO LOOK AT THE ROOM. A BELL RINGS AND SOON, TEENAGE GIRLS BEGIN FILLING THE ROOM. THEY RANGE IN AGES FROM 15-18, AND THEY ARE WEARING CONSERVATIVE UNIFORMS. SOME OF THE GIRLS ARE OOO-ING AND AH-ING OVER HIM, OTHERS ARE JUST CURIOUS.
JOEY: Good morning, children. Please, I beseech you to have a seat.
KARI, AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN, RAISES HER HAND.
JOEY: Yes, dear child.
KARI: You’re not a nun, are you?
JOEY: Not since I checked this morning. Anyway, blessed children, I will be your theatre teacher until a nun can be found. You may call me Brother Merry Joseph.
ALL THE GIRLS SNICKER.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
KARI: Nothing, Brother Mary Joseph . . .
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE F
FADE IN:
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – EARLY EVENING (DAY 5)
GINA IS READING THROUGH A MAGAZINE ON JOEY’S COUCH WHEN ALEX POPS IN.
ALEX: Is Joey home from work yet?
GINA: No.
ALEX: I have rehearsal tonight, and I was hoping he could work with me some more. Tonight is when I practice my big kissing scene, and I’m worried I won’t do it well.
GINA: And not without reason, I’m sure.
ALEX: Gina . . . What’s it . . . What’s it like kissing men whom you’re not married to?
GINA: No, don’t tell me . . . Don’t tell me—
ALEX: My first and last kiss was for Eric, and I—
GINA: Oh, Honey, no wonder you’re such a cold fish. You need to get caught up. (CALLING) Michael!
ALEX: What are you doing?
GINA: You need some practice.
MICHAEL ENTERS, COMING DOWN THE STEPS.
MICHAEL: Yeah, mom?
GINA: Michael honey, kiss Alex.
MICHAEL: Huh, wha—
ALEX: Gina, that’s very kind of you, but I couldn’t—
GINA: Hold on a second. What am I doing? You’re not good enough for my son. You keep your lips off him, tramp.
GINA GETS UP TO LEAVE AS JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR.
GINA (continued): Keep your eyes on her around my son. (LOOKING BACK) On second thought, Michael, come with me. I think your uncle Joey is a bad influence.
MICHAEL: Okay, Mom. (TO ALEX) Don’t worry. I’ll let her egg your car. That always seems to help.
GINA AND MICHAEL EXIT.
JOEY: Whoa, what was that all about?
ALEX: I’m not sure, and I was here.
JOEY: How’s the play coming?
ALEX: Joey, I’m afraid. I can tell the director is getting increasingly annoyed with me. Even with all your help, I’m still awful. Tonight is the big kissing scene, and I’m so afraid I’ll be bad.
JOEY: (SITTING ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HER) Well, being an expert on the arts of acting and kissing, I will be glad to give you some pointers.
ALEX: Wow, I feel like I’m training with a Jedi Knight.
JOEY: First off, you have to analyze your character. I look at how my character kisses, the purpose, the length, how hot the girl is and how badly I want to kiss her. What about your character?
ALEX: Oh, I think she’s really in love. She wants to marry this guy.
JOEY: So you want to make it good. Now, an acting kiss is like kissing in real life. You lean in, and you give it all your character would. Should we give it a go?
ALEX: Oh . . . okay. Let me say my line to get in the mood. (SAYING THE LINE) I want you. I want your body. Come here, lover.
SHE LEANS IN BUT THEN BEGINS GIGGLING AND CANNOT FOLLOW THROUGH.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
ALEX: This seems so odd. You know, me here, kissing you of all people.
JOEY: I don’t think it’s so funny.
ALEX: It’s just that you’re not my type, you know.
JOEY: I’m not boring enough, huh?
ALEX: Hey, I don’t go for boring guys . . . Just more the CPA type.
JOEY: It doesn’t matter what type you go for. When you’re acting, the type you go for is the one right in front of you. Now, let’s try it again.
SHE LEANS IN AND AGGRESSIVELY KISSES JOEY IN A PASSIONATE, PROLONGED KISS. ONCE SHE PULLS AWAY, JOEY IS TAKEN ABACK, STILL RECOVERING.
JOEY: Wow, that was some kiss. On a scale of Tammy-to-Sandra, you are definitely in the Sandra range.
ALEX: I am? Is that good?
JOEY: Hey, her name isn’t Sandra Bullock for nothing.
ALEX: (NODDING, REALIZING) Yeah . . . yeah, it was all right.
JOEY: All right? What do you mean it was all right?
ALEX: I don’t know. I guess I mean that it was . . . perfunctory.
JOEY: Listen Miss Throwsaroundbigwords, these lips have touched some of the most beautiful women this side of Days of Our Lives, and I have never been all right or parfunkt . . . pefrunt . . . all right.
ALEX: Joey, you were fine. Don’t worry about it.
JOEY: You meant that like fine, as in exquisite, right?
ALEX: It means whatever you need it to mean.
JOEY: (SMILING PROUDLY) So I’m exquisite, huh?
CUT TO:
SCENE G
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 6)
JOEY AND SISTER MARY THERESA ENTER, CARRYING A LOAD OF BOOKS INTO THE CLASSROOM. AS HE SETS THE BOOKS DOWN, SHE ACCIDENTALLY RUNS INTO HIM, TOUCHING HIS DERRIERE. HE IMMEDIATELY LOOKS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Sorry. Did I bump you?
JOEY: That’s all right. What’s a little gluteus maximus between fellow Catholic teachers? So, you’re a little attractive to be a nun, aren’t you?
SISTER MARY THERESA: Fortunately, they don’t have an ugliness requirement to follow God.
JOEY: Yes, and am I thankful for that!
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) So, what do you do when you’re not teaching teenage girls to act?
JOEY: You mean when I’m not counting the beads on my rosary and being merry? I’m an actor myself.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Oh, really? What have you been in?
JOEY: I recently did a guest stint on the Baywatch reunion. Maybe you saw me. I played “Hot Guy on Beach.”
SISTER MARY THERESA: I don’t watch television.
JOEY: Oh, that’s right.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING AGAIN) I have a feeling you are a breath of fresh air around here, Joey.
JOEY: And I’m sure you’re a breast of fresh air, too. (BEAT) I said breath, you just heard it wrong.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING) I’d better get to my classroom before class starts, but you know, I’m really glad you’re here.
JOEY: Thanks. And I’m really glad you’re here, too. I mean, I could never teach math.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS, AND JOEY QUICKLY PULLS OUT HIS CELL PHONE, DIALING.
JOEY: Hey Michael, it’s me. Have you seen Alex this morning? . . . Did she say anything about last night?
AS HE CONTINUES ON, THE GIRLS ENTER THE CLASSROOM. WHEN THEY SEE THAT HE IS ON THE PHONE, THEY STAY QUIET, EAVESDROPPING ON HIS CONVERSATION.
JOEY (continued): I know I shouldn’t have done it, and now I’m all concerned. I could have caused a delayed reaction, and when that reaction hits, watch out world! I just hope she’s not operating heavy machinery at the time. I’m so stupid! How could I have kissed Alex like that?
IMMEDIATELY, ALL THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND CHUCKLE.
JOEY (continued): (TURNING AROUND) I must leave you now, dear nephew. My students await.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS CHUCKLE AGAIN.
CUT TO:
SCENE H
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 6)
ALEX IS TALKING TO GINA IN JOEY’S APARTMENT.
ALEX: Gina, I don’t even know what happened yesterday. But I promise you, I’m not interested in Michael.
GINA: That’s good to hear. I was worried there for a minute. Hey wait a minute, why aren’t you interested in my son? Is there something wrong with him?
ALEX: No, not at all, I—
GINA: Well let me tell you something, you’re too good for my son! I mean, my son’s too good for you.
ALEX: I’m sure he is—
JOEY ENTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
JOEY: Hey, I love watching women wrestle. Let’s get some mud and make it real fun. Could I convince you to change into bikinis?
ALEX: That’s gross. She’s your sister!
GINA: Oh, you don’t think I look good in a bikini?
ALEX: I think, I think this is where I exit before I have to spend millions on major facial reconstruction surgery.
ALEX RUNS OUT.
JOEY: Well, if the bikini mud wrestling thing ever does happen, we’ll change you out for the math teacher at my school.
GINA: Wait, don’t you work at a nun school?
JOEY: Yeah. Let me tell you, Sister Merry Theresa is like Angelina Jolie in a black dress.
GINA: You idiot, you can’t think of a nun like that.
JOEY: But I think she’s hot for me. She touched my “gluteus maximus” today.
GINA: Joey, don’t you know, dating a nun is a one way ticket to hell. When you die, God’s gonna look in his records and see you un-nunned a nun, and you’re gonna be burning faster than Michael Jackson’s nose.
JOEY: Curse this hot body of mine!
GINA: Keep hitting on nuns and God’s gonna do it for you.
CUT TO:
SCENE I
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – MORNING (DAY 7)
JOEY IS KNEELING AT HIS DESK, IN PRAYER FORMATION.
JOEY: God, I came in early today to beseech you to forgive me for being the kind of guy women get hot for. You made me so all the women wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off me. This is my gift, my curse. God, I don’t want my nose to burn. Look, it’s six o’clock in the morning, and I’m here praying in a Catholic school. That’s how serious I am. Amen. (LOOKS UP) Gee, that didn’t take so long. Maybe I can take a little nap before school.
HE SITS IN HIS DESK, PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN AND FALLS ASLEEP.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE J
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – ONE HOUR LATER (DAY 7)
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, AND JOEY IS STILL ASLEEP AT HIS DESK.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey. Joey. Wake up.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, hey. I came in early to talk with the Big G, and I fell asleep.
SISTER MARY THERESA: That’s what I love to see, a man in pursuit of God.
JOEY: (TRYING TO MAKE HER LOSE INTEREST) Well, I . . . I’m not always a man of God. Sometimes, I sin.
SISTER MARY THERESA: And a humble one at that! Have a great day, Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS.
JOEY: Well, wait—Shoot! That didn’t go as planned. God, what can I do? Women find me irresistible! (BEAT) And hey, can you really blame them? (GETS UP, SHAKING HIS HAND) Oh great, now my hand is asleep.
THE GIRLS ENTER, AND JOEY IS LEFT TO START TEACHING WITH A LIMP WRIST.
JOEY: Good morning, girls.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
JOEY: Okay, girls, every time you say my name, you always laugh. (PAWING HIS NUMB HAND AT THEM) That’s not funny.
KARI: I’m sorry Brother Mary Joseph, but we just never expected to get a gay teacher at a convent school.
SARAH: But we still think you’re cute.
JOEY: Thanks. Hey, wait a minute, I’m not—
KARI: There’s no use in denying it, Brother Mary. How often do you kiss Alex?
JOEY: Well, there was just once.
TABITHA: My father says once is all it takes.
JOEY: (PAWING AT THEM WITH HIS LIMP WRIST) I’m not . . . Alex is a . . .
KARI: That’s all right, Brother. We accept you as you are.
TINA: And if things don’t work out between you and Alex, I have an uncle who said he’d be interested.
JOEY: I’m not . . . Hold on a minute. I mean, I did kiss Alex, but . . . she’s . . . she’s a she! You know, short for Alexandra or Alexette or something.
AS HE IS TALKING, SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS WITHOUT JOEY SEEING HER.
KARI: (ADDING EVIDENCE) And you’re an acting teacher.
TINA: (MORE EVIDENCE) And you’re cute. My mother says that’s a sure sign.
KARI: Face it, Brother, it doesn’t take a mathematician to add up one and one and one to get three. (AS SHE SAYS THREE, SHE PAW AT HIM WITH A LIMP WRIST)
JOEY: (GROWING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) My hand fell asleep!
KARI: We can handle the truth, Brother.
JOEY: Now listen girls, I am not . . . gay. I mean I, I— (FINALLY LOSING IT) I like having sex with women. A lot! (HE TURNS AND SEES SISTER MARY THERESA) I mean, when I’m married because Catholics only have sex . . . ual relations when they are in a marriage reunion.
KARI: You mean, you’re really not gay?
JOEY: If I was gay, would I get so turned on by seeing Sister Mary Theresa? (BEAT) Philosophically turned on, that is . . .
SISTER MARY THERESA: (STILL SMILING) Girls, why don’t you take a five minute break? And when you return, we’ll have Reverend Mother talk to you about the sin of stereotyping.
THE GIRLS ALL EXIT QUICKLY. TINA STOPS BEFORE LEAVING.
TINA: Well, if you change your mind, Brother Mary Joseph, my uncle sure would appreciate it.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Break, Tina, break.
TINA NODS, AND SHE EXITS.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Brother Mary Joseph?
JOEY: Yeah, you guys were so merry and cheerful all the time, I wanted to be too.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) Oh, Joey, that’s too funny. Mary is part of our name as in Mary, Mother of Christ.
JOEY: Well, why didn’t somebody say so! Now Sister Mary Theresa, about us . . . I know I’m attractive and fun and a good kisser, though you wouldn’t know that, but I don’t want you to, you know, turn your back on God. I’d be worth giving up a lot of other things for but even I can’t compete with the Big Guy in the Sky.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey, I—
JOEY: I know it must be hard when an attractive, talented, and intelligent male individual like myself enters your life, but trust me when I say, I don’t want to go to hell for making you lose your nunhood.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) I’m not interested in you.
JOEY: You’re not?
SISTER MARY THERESA: No, Joey. I chose to be a nun, and I chose this way to follow and serve God. If I really wanted to be with a man, I could turn my back on this life, and God would still love me. But this is my choice.
JOEY: Weird.
SISTER MARY THERESA: To some, maybe.
JOEY: If you weren’t a nun, do you think you’d find me irresistible?
SISTER MARY THERESA: (BEAT) I don’t know . . . I don’t go for gay men.
SHE LAUGHS.
CUT TO:
SCENE K
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD – LATER (DAY 7)
GINA IS DOING HER NAILS IN THE COURTYARD. ALEX STICKS HER ARM OUT OF HER DOOR WITH A WHITE DISHCLOTH IN HER HAND.
GINA: Come on out. I’m not after you anymore.
ALEX ENTERS, HESITANTLY.
ALEX: You’re not?
GINA: Michael explained it all to me. I understand. I guess I can act a little crazy when it comes to my son.
ALEX: A little?! (GINA GIVES HER A NASTY LOOK.) Yeah, a little, I guess.
JOEY ENTERS.
GINA: How was your fourth day at school?
JOEY: Awful. Not only did I make a fool of myself and have to quit my job, but the second woman in two days didn’t come on to me.
MICHAEL ENTERS THE COURTYARD. HE HAS A HOT YOUNG, ALBEIT SOMEWHAT NERDY, WOMAN STANDING BESIDE HIM. THEY ARE BOTH HOLDING BOOKS, AND SHE’S SMILING AT HIM.
MICHAEL: Hi, everyone. This is Bambi. I’m her tutor. Bambi, this is everyone.
BAMBI: (LOOKING UP BRIEFLY) Hi, everyone.
MICHAEL
We’re off to study.
AS SHE WALKS PAST JOEY, HE PUTS ON A LOOK OF SURE-FIRE SEX APPEAL. SHE GLANCES AT HIM MOMENTARILY.
BAMBI: (AS THEY EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT) Who’s that funny looking guy—the one with the big head?
MICHAEL: That’s my uncle, Joey. He’s almost old enough to be my father.
BAMBI: He looks like it.
JOEY IS DEJECTED, AND GINA IS BESIDE HERSELF WITH AMUSEMENT.
GINA: That oughtta teach you to mess with a nun.
JOEY IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO LEAVE THE COURTYARD.
ALEX: Where are you going?
JOEY: To the library. I gotta find an ugly girl and fast. I can’t take this much longer!
HE RUNS OUT. AFTER A BEAT, HE RUNS BACK IN.
JOEY: There is a library in Los Angeles, isn’t there?
ALEX: Yeah. It’s down next to—
JOEY: Eh, forget the library. I’ll just go to the bookstore at the mall. Any girl who spends her money on buying books instead of on make-up and stuff has gotta be pretty pathetic.
HE EXITS AGAIN.
GINA: If I could just meet a guy like him . . . Say, how’s the play?
ALEX: Not good. The director recast my part last night.
GINA: What happened?
ALEX: Well, it became apparent he only cast me because he thought I was easy, if you know what I mean.
GINA: Ah, how sweet of him.
ALEX: No, Gina, um, that wasn’t a good thing.
GINA: It’s not? Well then, I’m going to call him up right now and tell him I don’t want no stinkin’ part in his play! What’s good enough for you is good enough for me! He’ll have to find himself another bimbo.
GINA EXITS.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
SCENE L
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE – SAME DAY (DAY 8)
BOBBIE IS SITTING IN HER OFFICE WITH JOEY.
BOBBIE: Well, Joey, no use crying over spilled milk.
JOEY: I didn’t spill any milk. I made a fool of myself at a convent, though looking masculine and attractive the whole time.
BOBBIE: Yeah . . . Well, Joey, I have to go now. (SHE GETS UP, PICKING UP A SUITCASE FROM BEHIND HER DESK) I’m going to Hawaii for a month.
JOEY: But Bobbie, I’m experiencing grief. I need some comforting from my agent.
BOBBIE: (EXHALING AS IF IT’S A BOTHER) Okay. Don’t worry, Joey. These things happen every once in a while. One of these days soon, you’ll go out and find the role of a lifetime, and if it happens any time in the next month, why don’t you call me on my cell and let me know? I could afford to stay an extra week, then. (GATHERING HER THINGS) If you need anything else, pretend I’m dead until next month, okay?
BOBBIE EXITS, LEAVING JOEY BEHIND.
FADE OUT
END OF SHOW
the Broadway Mouth
September 25, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Epilogue: 50 Amazing Broadway Performers in 50 Weekdays
Norm Lewis
Felicia P. Fields
Carol Channing
Chuck Wagner
Susan Egan
Marla Schaffel
Douglas Sills
Mary Testa
Cleavant Derricks
Carly Jibson
Sherie René Scott
Denis O’Hare
Michael Lanning
Amy Spanger
Faith Prince
Emily Skinner
Jose Llana
Stephen Lynch
Rebecca Luker
Randal Keith
Sutton Foster
Lea Salonga
Rick Faugno
Leslie Kritzer
Merle Dandridge
Marin Mazzie
Carolee Carmello
Rachel York
Audra McDonald
Donna Murphy
Brian Stokes Mitchell
Keith Byron Kirk
Craig Bierko
Leslie Hendrix
Christine Andreas
Elaine Stritch
Bernadette Peters
Donna McKechnie
Bebe Neuwirth
Michael Berresse
Heather Headley
JoAnn M. Hunter
LaChanze
Stephanie J. Block
Judy Kaye
Sharon Brown
Tina Maddigan
Christiane Noll
Idina Menzel
Chita Rivera
When I look at this list of talent, I am amazed by these people. I mean, seriously, look at these names and try to tell me that the people out there pounding the boards today don’t compare with those of the past. For each of these performers I’ve seen in person, I look at their names and waves of excitement wash over me as I think about the prospect of being able to see them again. For each of the performers I haven’t seen in person, I get excited in hoping to someday witness their talents in person.
As I said before, nothing will ever replace Gwen Verdon or Ethel Merman or John Raitt, but then, nothing will ever replace Keith Byron Kirk or Donna Murphy or Michael Berresse.
And the best part is that there are so many other talented people not on the above list who are amazing Broadway performers. On the people I’ve seen list, there’d be Felicia Finley, Richard H. Blake, Jessica Snow-Wilson, Diana Kaarina, Andrea Rivette, Coleen Sexton, Elisabeth Withers-Mendes, Krisha Marcano, Kenita R. Miller, Kendra Kassebaum, Jenna Leigh Green, Bob Martin, Danny Burstein, Sandy Duncan, Natasha Diaz, Solange Sandy, Paul Schoeffler, Melba Moore, Adam Pascal, Damian Perkins, John Hickok, Kelli Fournier, Beth Fowler, David Garrison, Deborah S. Craig, Barret Foa, Celia Keenan-Bolger, Sarah Saltzberg, Lisa Yuen, Margaret Ann Gates, Melinda Chua, Luoyong Wang, Christa Justus, Kim Huber, Kate Levering, Christine Ebersole, David Elder, Howard McGillin, Sandra Joseph, Jenny Hill, Blythe Danner, Judith Ivey, Polly Bergen, Mary Stout, Austin Miller, Alli Mauzy, Tom Hewitt, Charlie Pollock, Samuel E. Wright, Tsidii Le Loka, Cherry Jones, Ashley Brown, Amy Bodnar, Brian d’Arcy James, Sara Gettelfinger, Jacques C. Smith, Loretta Divine, E. Faye Butler, Hayley Mills, Jay Garner, Florence Lacey, Cory English, Michael DeVries, Monica M. Wemitt, and Lori Ann Mahl, to name just a few.
If I were to create a list of amazing Broadway performers I’d love to see, names like Tonya Pinkins, Hunter Foster, Betty Buckley, Judy Kuhn, Anthony Crivello, Norbert Leo Butz, Kerry Butler, Sally Murphy, and Kelli O’Hara would make that list as long as the one above.
So, now my question for you is, what are some amazing talents I left off my original list of 50? I can’t be the only one here with a passionate opinion about favorite talents, both well-known and un-well-known.
Email me 1-3 favorite amazing Broadway performers (performers still in the business, so no dead people) of your own from musicals or straight plays. In your email, name the performer and tell about one or more great performances you’ve seen or heard from them. Try your best to give a concrete example or detail to make it clear to us why you feel that way. But also try to limit your praise to one paragraph.
Tell me how you want your first name to appear so that I can get it right. Also, please be aware that, for simplicity’s sake, Broadway Mouth will retain copyright of all submitted material. I also reserve the right to edit for clarity, length, or to remove anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable posting on my blog. I don’t know what that would be, but you never know.
Who knows if the people you write about will ever see their name, but this is a tough business. Make that a very tough business. Maybe someday, they’ll google themselves, pull up your paragraph and be encouraged in a time of need. Either way, I’ll enjoy reading them, and I’m sure so will many other people.
Send your amazing Broadway performers by Sunday, September 30. Email me at broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
the Broadway Mouth
September 24, 2007
Felicia P. Fields
Carol Channing
Chuck Wagner
Susan Egan
Marla Schaffel
Douglas Sills
Mary Testa
Cleavant Derricks
Carly Jibson
Sherie René Scott
Denis O’Hare
Michael Lanning
Amy Spanger
Faith Prince
Emily Skinner
Jose Llana
Stephen Lynch
Rebecca Luker
Randal Keith
Sutton Foster
Lea Salonga
Rick Faugno
Leslie Kritzer
Merle Dandridge
Marin Mazzie
Carolee Carmello
Rachel York
Audra McDonald
Donna Murphy
Brian Stokes Mitchell
Keith Byron Kirk
Craig Bierko
Leslie Hendrix
Christine Andreas
Elaine Stritch
Bernadette Peters
Donna McKechnie
Bebe Neuwirth
Michael Berresse
Heather Headley
JoAnn M. Hunter
LaChanze
Stephanie J. Block
Judy Kaye
Sharon Brown
Tina Maddigan
Christiane Noll
Idina Menzel
Chita Rivera
When I look at this list of talent, I am amazed by these people. I mean, seriously, look at these names and try to tell me that the people out there pounding the boards today don’t compare with those of the past. For each of these performers I’ve seen in person, I look at their names and waves of excitement wash over me as I think about the prospect of being able to see them again. For each of the performers I haven’t seen in person, I get excited in hoping to someday witness their talents in person.
As I said before, nothing will ever replace Gwen Verdon or Ethel Merman or John Raitt, but then, nothing will ever replace Keith Byron Kirk or Donna Murphy or Michael Berresse.
And the best part is that there are so many other talented people not on the above list who are amazing Broadway performers. On the people I’ve seen list, there’d be Felicia Finley, Richard H. Blake, Jessica Snow-Wilson, Diana Kaarina, Andrea Rivette, Coleen Sexton, Elisabeth Withers-Mendes, Krisha Marcano, Kenita R. Miller, Kendra Kassebaum, Jenna Leigh Green, Bob Martin, Danny Burstein, Sandy Duncan, Natasha Diaz, Solange Sandy, Paul Schoeffler, Melba Moore, Adam Pascal, Damian Perkins, John Hickok, Kelli Fournier, Beth Fowler, David Garrison, Deborah S. Craig, Barret Foa, Celia Keenan-Bolger, Sarah Saltzberg, Lisa Yuen, Margaret Ann Gates, Melinda Chua, Luoyong Wang, Christa Justus, Kim Huber, Kate Levering, Christine Ebersole, David Elder, Howard McGillin, Sandra Joseph, Jenny Hill, Blythe Danner, Judith Ivey, Polly Bergen, Mary Stout, Austin Miller, Alli Mauzy, Tom Hewitt, Charlie Pollock, Samuel E. Wright, Tsidii Le Loka, Cherry Jones, Ashley Brown, Amy Bodnar, Brian d’Arcy James, Sara Gettelfinger, Jacques C. Smith, Loretta Divine, E. Faye Butler, Hayley Mills, Jay Garner, Florence Lacey, Cory English, Michael DeVries, Monica M. Wemitt, and Lori Ann Mahl, to name just a few.
If I were to create a list of amazing Broadway performers I’d love to see, names like Tonya Pinkins, Hunter Foster, Betty Buckley, Judy Kuhn, Anthony Crivello, Norbert Leo Butz, Kerry Butler, Sally Murphy, and Kelli O’Hara would make that list as long as the one above.
So, now my question for you is, what are some amazing talents I left off my original list of 50? I can’t be the only one here with a passionate opinion about favorite talents, both well-known and un-well-known.
Email me 1-3 favorite amazing Broadway performers (performers still in the business, so no dead people) of your own from musicals or straight plays. In your email, name the performer and tell about one or more great performances you’ve seen or heard from them. Try your best to give a concrete example or detail to make it clear to us why you feel that way. But also try to limit your praise to one paragraph.
Tell me how you want your first name to appear so that I can get it right. Also, please be aware that, for simplicity’s sake, Broadway Mouth will retain copyright of all submitted material. I also reserve the right to edit for clarity, length, or to remove anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable posting on my blog. I don’t know what that would be, but you never know.
Who knows if the people you write about will ever see their name, but this is a tough business. Make that a very tough business. Maybe someday, they’ll google themselves, pull up your paragraph and be encouraged in a time of need. Either way, I’ll enjoy reading them, and I’m sure so will many other people.
Send your amazing Broadway performers by Sunday, September 30. Email me at broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
the Broadway Mouth
September 24, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Chita Rivera
It seems fitting that the final Broadway performer in my list of 50 Amazing Broadway Performers in 50 Weekdays should be the amazing Chita Rivera, who has not only appeared in some of the most successful Broadway shows in the past forty years but is still performing and wowing audiences today.
I need to be honest and say that I’m not all that familiar with Rivera’s talents. Despite her success in the business for all these years, she’s never had significant roles in movies I’ve seen, and I don’t even own any CDs with her performances. Of course, I’ve heard her comedic work in Bye Bye Birdie many times (her “Normal American Boy” is comedic genius) as well as her Anita in West Side Story, but since these are not shows I particularly enjoy, I don’t own the CDs and therefore cannot generate any insights.
But just looking at the body of work this woman has amassed—including Bajour, Chicago, The Rink, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Nine, and A Dancer’s Life—I hope I someday soon get to see her perform in person. In thinking of Chita Rivera, it is almost like reading about some to-die-for delicacy in a foreign land available only for a season. I just have to be in New York during the right season!
Performers of that caliber, who not only are talented but tenacious enough to survive that long in this business, are rare. For an actor, you develop your talents by doing your craft. In a city where there are 17,000 Equity actors, not many people get the chance to perfect their craft to that extent and to keep performing. No wonder she’s earned such a reputation.
Unofficial Website: http://www.chitarivera.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 21, 2007
I need to be honest and say that I’m not all that familiar with Rivera’s talents. Despite her success in the business for all these years, she’s never had significant roles in movies I’ve seen, and I don’t even own any CDs with her performances. Of course, I’ve heard her comedic work in Bye Bye Birdie many times (her “Normal American Boy” is comedic genius) as well as her Anita in West Side Story, but since these are not shows I particularly enjoy, I don’t own the CDs and therefore cannot generate any insights.
But just looking at the body of work this woman has amassed—including Bajour, Chicago, The Rink, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Nine, and A Dancer’s Life—I hope I someday soon get to see her perform in person. In thinking of Chita Rivera, it is almost like reading about some to-die-for delicacy in a foreign land available only for a season. I just have to be in New York during the right season!
Performers of that caliber, who not only are talented but tenacious enough to survive that long in this business, are rare. For an actor, you develop your talents by doing your craft. In a city where there are 17,000 Equity actors, not many people get the chance to perfect their craft to that extent and to keep performing. No wonder she’s earned such a reputation.
Unofficial Website: http://www.chitarivera.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Idina Menzel
In interviews with Menzel, both before she became so recognized for Rent and during her time with Wicked, the biggest thing I’ve noticed is her humility. When you see Menzel in interviews, you would never expect she was this woman with such amazing talent. She seems so sweet, you just want to invite her over for game night and play Monopoly or something.
I think it’s that warmness that made her so excellent in Wicked. Okay, so I never saw Menzel’s Elphaba, but I’ve listened to the CD a million times. There’s her astonishing “Defying Gravity” which has justifiably wowed CD-buyers all over the country. There’s such daring and inspiration in her performance of that awesome Stephen Schwartz song, which, I must add, also always moved my students when I’d play for them her performance from the Tonys.
But I think there’s another song that is equally impressive in showcasing Menzel’s talents. Her “I’m Not That Girl,” another great Stephen Schwartz song, is so vulnerable and pained. It’s not a self-pity sort of interpretation but that of a girl resigned to the life she’s been given, accepting it while longing for something more. It’s an entirely different, yet extremely important, side of Elphaba. As impressive as “Defying Gravity” is, her “I’m Not That Girl” is equally so.
Word is that Idina Menzel will be releasing a CD through Warner Bros. in January. I can’t wait. Let’s hope the CD includes some great pictures of Menzel as well as her amazing talent.
Website: http://www.idinamenzel.com/ (Check this out for a new version of “Defying Gravity”)
the Broadway Mouth
September 20, 2007
I think it’s that warmness that made her so excellent in Wicked. Okay, so I never saw Menzel’s Elphaba, but I’ve listened to the CD a million times. There’s her astonishing “Defying Gravity” which has justifiably wowed CD-buyers all over the country. There’s such daring and inspiration in her performance of that awesome Stephen Schwartz song, which, I must add, also always moved my students when I’d play for them her performance from the Tonys.
But I think there’s another song that is equally impressive in showcasing Menzel’s talents. Her “I’m Not That Girl,” another great Stephen Schwartz song, is so vulnerable and pained. It’s not a self-pity sort of interpretation but that of a girl resigned to the life she’s been given, accepting it while longing for something more. It’s an entirely different, yet extremely important, side of Elphaba. As impressive as “Defying Gravity” is, her “I’m Not That Girl” is equally so.
Word is that Idina Menzel will be releasing a CD through Warner Bros. in January. I can’t wait. Let’s hope the CD includes some great pictures of Menzel as well as her amazing talent.
Website: http://www.idinamenzel.com/ (Check this out for a new version of “Defying Gravity”)
the Broadway Mouth
September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Christiane Noll
My first exposure to Christiane Noll was on the OBCR for Jekyll and Hyde in which she sang the part of Emma Carew so beautifully. Her voice has the beautiful simplicity of classic voices, but she also has great warmth and emotional depth, giving her a contemporary sound.
I think Emma is, unfortunately, an overlooked role simply because Lucy gets “Someone Like You,” “A New Life,” and a knife in the back; however, that doesn’t negate Christiane Noll’s tremendous contribution to that popular cast album.
It was very exciting when I learned that Christiane Noll was to star in the national tour of Urinetown as Hope Cladwell. Though, after the beauty of Emma, I didn’t know what to expect of Noll in such a comedic show.
How was she? She was simply hilarious. Very well sung and hilarious. Her Hope was exceedingly cute in her simplistic outlook on the world, but she was tempered with realism to make her a believable love interest for Bobby Strong. I also loved her soliloquy, performed while bound and gagged. And in “I See a River,” she gave Hope some amazing high notes which she belted into the theatre beyond her microphone.
Again, here is another talent demanding more roles on Broadway. Perhaps Galinda or Elphaba? She’s so versatile and so talented.
Website: http://www.christycat.com/Christiane/
the Broadway Mouth
September 19, 2007
I think Emma is, unfortunately, an overlooked role simply because Lucy gets “Someone Like You,” “A New Life,” and a knife in the back; however, that doesn’t negate Christiane Noll’s tremendous contribution to that popular cast album.
It was very exciting when I learned that Christiane Noll was to star in the national tour of Urinetown as Hope Cladwell. Though, after the beauty of Emma, I didn’t know what to expect of Noll in such a comedic show.
How was she? She was simply hilarious. Very well sung and hilarious. Her Hope was exceedingly cute in her simplistic outlook on the world, but she was tempered with realism to make her a believable love interest for Bobby Strong. I also loved her soliloquy, performed while bound and gagged. And in “I See a River,” she gave Hope some amazing high notes which she belted into the theatre beyond her microphone.
Again, here is another talent demanding more roles on Broadway. Perhaps Galinda or Elphaba? She’s so versatile and so talented.
Website: http://www.christycat.com/Christiane/
the Broadway Mouth
September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Get with the (Souvenir) Program
I never leave for a show without the money to buy a souvenir program. To me, the CD and the program are essential elements of the experience. You pay $80+ for the show, and not only do you want to remember every minute of that awesome/expensive experience, you want pictures to help you remember and the music to relive it again and again.
When I come home from New York on the plane, the care of my souvenir programs is of utmost concern. I don’t want smashed corners or bent pages. That means they never go in my suitcases or in overhead compartments. I make sure one of my carry-ons is a nice plastic shopping bag that is small enough to keep my programs close together, and I slide it carefully under the seat before me. I then don’t move my legs (which are quite long, since I am 6’ 5”) for the entire flight unless I can do so without stepping on my programs.
Thankfully, they all still look as good as new.
Lately I’ve seen a few programs popping up at used bookstores in my area, which is how I got my Ragtime program (a souvenir of my Lincoln Center Theatre archive viewing). I often pick them up and am surprised at how vapid a number of them have been, more filler and fluff than actual substance. Now, I know not every theatre-goer out there is as obsessive as I, but on some of these, I can see why they’d have no problem selling them for a quarter to a used bookstore.
If you’re paying $10 (or $20 at Tarzan with a cheap bag), you want something to help you preserve the memory. No wonder people were selling of these Rent tour and various other programs. They gave no real clue about what they had seen on stage. Obviously at one point they wanted to preserve the memory, so the show must have been dear them enough to pay for the program in the first place.
I love my programs. When I want to remember how great Jane Eyre was, I just page through the beautiful photographs. When I want to remember how much I laughed during Kiss Me, Kate, I’ll pick up the Broadway or the tour cast program. If I want to remember how great Jayne Patterson was as Fantine, I pull out one of my Les Miserables programs.
And I know I’m not the only one.
Sometimes, though, I do think the producers’ perspective of what we want to remember and what the audience really wants to get are two different things.
So, dear producers, here are some guidelines to help you as you assemble the program you want to sell to aid your bottom line and to aid us in remembering a (hopefully) magical experience.
1. We want pictures. Lots of them that we can easily see.
On this front, The Color Purple program had to be about the most disappointing program I’ve ever gotten. Many of the pages consisted only of one large picture spread out across two pages. There’s one beautiful picture of LaChanze when Celie finds Nettie’s letters, where the crease comes in at her shoulder, which damages the effect. And since the picture is basically LaChanze (lit beautifully) surrounded by pitch black stage, I’m not sure show two pages were needed for that picture, particularly considering the program as a whole.
In addition to the overall shortage of pictures, there are a good number of pictures printed in the program which are so small, they might as well not be included. Seriously. God forbid you should want to remember any of the supporting characters. For such a beautiful show, you’d think they could include something to better help you remember it.
There is, however, a nice picture of Oprah, as if we don’t get a chance to see her often. She looks great, of course, but she wasn’t in the show.
2. Fewer words. There can be one page dedicated to words about the show, but that’s really about it.
In The Color Purple, we get one page dedicated to Oprah telling about how the book changed her life (she already gets a whole monthly magazine and a daily television show to tell us about herself and her experiences). There’s also a page dedicated to Alice Walker and the various incarnations of The Color Purple (with two very small shots from the show at the bottom, relegating Krisha Marcano’s beloved Squeak to a size smaller than my thumb). There’s also two pages about the creation of the show, and another page dedicated to the composer/lyricists and choreographer. There’s also one page (two bottom halfs) detailing the history of juke joints, and one page and a quarter (roughly ¾ of two pages) dedicated to a timeline of African-American history. Then writer Marsha Norman—oddly enough, almost the least-winded of them all—get her say in less than a page of writing (spread out into two pages). I’m surprised the stage hands don’t have a page to share their thoughts, though perhaps that’s one thing that’ll be negotiated for soon.
So, did I buy this program to remember the $120 I spent on The Color Purple or to get a textbook on African-American history?
My Wicked program is an example of an exceptional program in this regards. There is one page dedicated to Gregory Maguire (spread out over two half-pages), and the rest is pretty much pictures that don’t require a magnifying glass to identify.
And even though the cast pictured is the Broadway cast and not the original tour cast that I saw, the pictures are of significant scenes and costumes so that I can vividly recall the images I experienced that wonderful night.
3. Don’t get too cutesy. Stylish design is good, but you don’t want it to overpower the content. A board game in the Urinetown program, for example, is great fun . . . until you realize how much space it’s taking from other content.
Similarly, my program for The Drowsy Chaperone has ten pages of fun fluff. The pictures in the rest of the program are spectacular, but when I find myself looking I through it again, the two pages dedicated to Gable and Stein’s stable aren’t very interesting. The ten pages of Man in Chair’s scrapbook don’t help me remember the show.
4. Remember your audience. Why do people buy souvenir programs? To help them remember the wonderful experience they just had. As flattering as it surely is, an entire page dedicated to snapshots of the producers at the end of my Hairspray program is not why I bought the program. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all nineteen people and organizations shown there, but . . . They weren’t in the show, so why are they in the program?
Similarly, the Hairspray souvenir program—which has lots of beautiful pictures of the Original Broadway Cast—sprinkles throughout pictures and bios of the entire creative team. The bios come in the insert in the program (which, by the way, was cleverly printed on a fold-out poster). Not only is it redundant to take up space with them in the program, it’s a repeat of information.
When I see the programs that wind up sold to used bookstores, often, there’s so much information not related to the specific experience that I look at the programs myself and can’t get a feel for what they experienced.
5. Use updated pictures as much as possible. I think, as happens so many times, Cameron Mackintosh leads the way on this one. Towards the end of its tour, Les Miserables would hit my city almost yearly. And with every pass through, the souvenir program would be updated with the cast changes. It was a smart move on Mackintosh’s part because I bet I’m not the only one who didn’t mind double-dipping, particularly when it came to getting photos of favorite performances (for me, it was the amazing Jayne Patterson as Fantine).
It seems to be happening less now, but on tour, it often seems like we just get the New York cast in our photos. That’s still nice, but since it is supposed to be a souvenir of what we just saw, updated photos would be ideal.
And I know late in runs, the New York programs tend to be an amalgam of photos from various casts. I bet most theatre-goers would prefer to see photos of their cast rather than a mix of great casts of the past.
6. Make sure that there is a souvenir program!
Probably the strangest purchase I ever made was a program I got at the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tour with Patrick Cassidy and Deborah Gibson, which not only didn’t feature the cast I saw, but it wasn’t even the production. I think it was a program of photos from perhaps the original Broadway production. Strange.
I figure if the non-Equity tour of Godspell can come to town with not only a program of the cast but a CD as well, a Broadway tour could at least manage a souvenir program.
I’ve been fortunate that for several tours, I was able to get missing programs on a trip to New York, but it is annoying to see a show and to discover that the program isn’t available. Sometimes it’s a matter of printing times, such as when The Music Man was so new in New York, the programs just weren’t made yet. However, on a tour like Annie Get Your Gun or The King and I, which had been playing in New York for some time, some form of souvenir program should have been possible until new ones were printed.
Two exemplary souvenir programs that I remember are the programs for Bells are Ringing and Tarzan. For Bells are Ringing, there were a ton of pictures throughout (literally from cover to cover), of varying sizes but all large enough to easily see what was going on. The design includes lines on each page, I think to represent telephone lines, but they don’t obscure any pictures. There is writing (a piece from Betty Comden on the inspiration for the show, two historical sections on prices in 1956 and the history of communication, and a few paragraphs from the producer, and about a page from the director), but the best part is that these writings seem secondary to the photographs. They are beside the pictures, in corners of the actual photograph, and above them. A little less writing would have been nice (who cares about a history of communication—what’s the audience for this program?), but the great and many pictures make up for it. This program, by the way, was designed by Dewynters.
It’s almost unfair to use the Tarzan program as a model because it was for a Disney show and is about twice as long as other souvenir programs, no doubt because of the history of Disney’s success on Broadway (and the additional $10 I paid). The program, however, was filled with so many beautiful photos that the amount of writing doesn’t matter. There are many photos from the show itself, plus many others from photo shoots. There is an essay on Edgar Rice Burroughs, three paragraphs from producer Thomas Schumacher, and a few snippets here and there on the creative team for the show. But it is essentially a luscious book loaded with pictures printed on very high quality paper (even the insert of the actors’ bios is printed on thicker paper).
My love for Broadway and the excitement for seeing a show runs incredibly deep. There are times that I pick up a brochure or catalogue and I am immediately taken back to great memories when the printing smell is that of a Broadway program. That smell—no, aroma— takes me back to so many great experiences in the theatre that it makes me wish I could go run and see Show Boat again or Urinetown.
Souvenir programs not only help the bottom line for the producers, they are an essential part in recalling the experience for many people in the audience. When well-created, it becomes a permanent memory when the shows are long-gone and the casts have moved on. When not well-created, you can buy them for $3 at your local used bookstore.
the Broadway Mouth
September 18, 2007
When I come home from New York on the plane, the care of my souvenir programs is of utmost concern. I don’t want smashed corners or bent pages. That means they never go in my suitcases or in overhead compartments. I make sure one of my carry-ons is a nice plastic shopping bag that is small enough to keep my programs close together, and I slide it carefully under the seat before me. I then don’t move my legs (which are quite long, since I am 6’ 5”) for the entire flight unless I can do so without stepping on my programs.
Thankfully, they all still look as good as new.
Lately I’ve seen a few programs popping up at used bookstores in my area, which is how I got my Ragtime program (a souvenir of my Lincoln Center Theatre archive viewing). I often pick them up and am surprised at how vapid a number of them have been, more filler and fluff than actual substance. Now, I know not every theatre-goer out there is as obsessive as I, but on some of these, I can see why they’d have no problem selling them for a quarter to a used bookstore.
If you’re paying $10 (or $20 at Tarzan with a cheap bag), you want something to help you preserve the memory. No wonder people were selling of these Rent tour and various other programs. They gave no real clue about what they had seen on stage. Obviously at one point they wanted to preserve the memory, so the show must have been dear them enough to pay for the program in the first place.
I love my programs. When I want to remember how great Jane Eyre was, I just page through the beautiful photographs. When I want to remember how much I laughed during Kiss Me, Kate, I’ll pick up the Broadway or the tour cast program. If I want to remember how great Jayne Patterson was as Fantine, I pull out one of my Les Miserables programs.
And I know I’m not the only one.
Sometimes, though, I do think the producers’ perspective of what we want to remember and what the audience really wants to get are two different things.
So, dear producers, here are some guidelines to help you as you assemble the program you want to sell to aid your bottom line and to aid us in remembering a (hopefully) magical experience.
1. We want pictures. Lots of them that we can easily see.
On this front, The Color Purple program had to be about the most disappointing program I’ve ever gotten. Many of the pages consisted only of one large picture spread out across two pages. There’s one beautiful picture of LaChanze when Celie finds Nettie’s letters, where the crease comes in at her shoulder, which damages the effect. And since the picture is basically LaChanze (lit beautifully) surrounded by pitch black stage, I’m not sure show two pages were needed for that picture, particularly considering the program as a whole.
In addition to the overall shortage of pictures, there are a good number of pictures printed in the program which are so small, they might as well not be included. Seriously. God forbid you should want to remember any of the supporting characters. For such a beautiful show, you’d think they could include something to better help you remember it.
There is, however, a nice picture of Oprah, as if we don’t get a chance to see her often. She looks great, of course, but she wasn’t in the show.
2. Fewer words. There can be one page dedicated to words about the show, but that’s really about it.
In The Color Purple, we get one page dedicated to Oprah telling about how the book changed her life (she already gets a whole monthly magazine and a daily television show to tell us about herself and her experiences). There’s also a page dedicated to Alice Walker and the various incarnations of The Color Purple (with two very small shots from the show at the bottom, relegating Krisha Marcano’s beloved Squeak to a size smaller than my thumb). There’s also two pages about the creation of the show, and another page dedicated to the composer/lyricists and choreographer. There’s also one page (two bottom halfs) detailing the history of juke joints, and one page and a quarter (roughly ¾ of two pages) dedicated to a timeline of African-American history. Then writer Marsha Norman—oddly enough, almost the least-winded of them all—get her say in less than a page of writing (spread out into two pages). I’m surprised the stage hands don’t have a page to share their thoughts, though perhaps that’s one thing that’ll be negotiated for soon.
So, did I buy this program to remember the $120 I spent on The Color Purple or to get a textbook on African-American history?
My Wicked program is an example of an exceptional program in this regards. There is one page dedicated to Gregory Maguire (spread out over two half-pages), and the rest is pretty much pictures that don’t require a magnifying glass to identify.
And even though the cast pictured is the Broadway cast and not the original tour cast that I saw, the pictures are of significant scenes and costumes so that I can vividly recall the images I experienced that wonderful night.
3. Don’t get too cutesy. Stylish design is good, but you don’t want it to overpower the content. A board game in the Urinetown program, for example, is great fun . . . until you realize how much space it’s taking from other content.
Similarly, my program for The Drowsy Chaperone has ten pages of fun fluff. The pictures in the rest of the program are spectacular, but when I find myself looking I through it again, the two pages dedicated to Gable and Stein’s stable aren’t very interesting. The ten pages of Man in Chair’s scrapbook don’t help me remember the show.
4. Remember your audience. Why do people buy souvenir programs? To help them remember the wonderful experience they just had. As flattering as it surely is, an entire page dedicated to snapshots of the producers at the end of my Hairspray program is not why I bought the program. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for all nineteen people and organizations shown there, but . . . They weren’t in the show, so why are they in the program?
Similarly, the Hairspray souvenir program—which has lots of beautiful pictures of the Original Broadway Cast—sprinkles throughout pictures and bios of the entire creative team. The bios come in the insert in the program (which, by the way, was cleverly printed on a fold-out poster). Not only is it redundant to take up space with them in the program, it’s a repeat of information.
When I see the programs that wind up sold to used bookstores, often, there’s so much information not related to the specific experience that I look at the programs myself and can’t get a feel for what they experienced.
5. Use updated pictures as much as possible. I think, as happens so many times, Cameron Mackintosh leads the way on this one. Towards the end of its tour, Les Miserables would hit my city almost yearly. And with every pass through, the souvenir program would be updated with the cast changes. It was a smart move on Mackintosh’s part because I bet I’m not the only one who didn’t mind double-dipping, particularly when it came to getting photos of favorite performances (for me, it was the amazing Jayne Patterson as Fantine).
It seems to be happening less now, but on tour, it often seems like we just get the New York cast in our photos. That’s still nice, but since it is supposed to be a souvenir of what we just saw, updated photos would be ideal.
And I know late in runs, the New York programs tend to be an amalgam of photos from various casts. I bet most theatre-goers would prefer to see photos of their cast rather than a mix of great casts of the past.
6. Make sure that there is a souvenir program!
Probably the strangest purchase I ever made was a program I got at the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tour with Patrick Cassidy and Deborah Gibson, which not only didn’t feature the cast I saw, but it wasn’t even the production. I think it was a program of photos from perhaps the original Broadway production. Strange.
I figure if the non-Equity tour of Godspell can come to town with not only a program of the cast but a CD as well, a Broadway tour could at least manage a souvenir program.
I’ve been fortunate that for several tours, I was able to get missing programs on a trip to New York, but it is annoying to see a show and to discover that the program isn’t available. Sometimes it’s a matter of printing times, such as when The Music Man was so new in New York, the programs just weren’t made yet. However, on a tour like Annie Get Your Gun or The King and I, which had been playing in New York for some time, some form of souvenir program should have been possible until new ones were printed.
Two exemplary souvenir programs that I remember are the programs for Bells are Ringing and Tarzan. For Bells are Ringing, there were a ton of pictures throughout (literally from cover to cover), of varying sizes but all large enough to easily see what was going on. The design includes lines on each page, I think to represent telephone lines, but they don’t obscure any pictures. There is writing (a piece from Betty Comden on the inspiration for the show, two historical sections on prices in 1956 and the history of communication, and a few paragraphs from the producer, and about a page from the director), but the best part is that these writings seem secondary to the photographs. They are beside the pictures, in corners of the actual photograph, and above them. A little less writing would have been nice (who cares about a history of communication—what’s the audience for this program?), but the great and many pictures make up for it. This program, by the way, was designed by Dewynters.
It’s almost unfair to use the Tarzan program as a model because it was for a Disney show and is about twice as long as other souvenir programs, no doubt because of the history of Disney’s success on Broadway (and the additional $10 I paid). The program, however, was filled with so many beautiful photos that the amount of writing doesn’t matter. There are many photos from the show itself, plus many others from photo shoots. There is an essay on Edgar Rice Burroughs, three paragraphs from producer Thomas Schumacher, and a few snippets here and there on the creative team for the show. But it is essentially a luscious book loaded with pictures printed on very high quality paper (even the insert of the actors’ bios is printed on thicker paper).
My love for Broadway and the excitement for seeing a show runs incredibly deep. There are times that I pick up a brochure or catalogue and I am immediately taken back to great memories when the printing smell is that of a Broadway program. That smell—no, aroma— takes me back to so many great experiences in the theatre that it makes me wish I could go run and see Show Boat again or Urinetown.
Souvenir programs not only help the bottom line for the producers, they are an essential part in recalling the experience for many people in the audience. When well-created, it becomes a permanent memory when the shows are long-gone and the casts have moved on. When not well-created, you can buy them for $3 at your local used bookstore.
the Broadway Mouth
September 18, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Tina Maddigan
I walked into The Wedding Singer disappointed that I wouldn’t see Laura Benanti because of her physical ailment, but I walked out madly in love with Tina Maddigan.
When you think of a great Broadway performance, you think of not only the ability to act the character but also stage presence—that intangible magic “it” factor—and stage charisma. It’s when you are watching someone up on that stage, and they are alight like a fluorescent bulb, and you can’t take your eyes off of them. That was Tina Maddigan as Julia Sullivan.
I think Julia is a more challenging character than people give credit for. In some ways, she is the type of woman men don’t particularly understand, the woman who lives to get married and plan the wedding. Her attraction to Glen almost seems perfunctory—he’s got the right chromosomes and is willing to pop the question. It’s only when she understands what a man is really supposed to be like, in the foil of Robbie Hart, that she learns about what her current situation is lacking.
This, I don’t believe, is an easy character to pull off because of her naiveté early in the show; however, Maddigan made me fall in love with Julia, particularly during “Pop!” because you see her emotional foibles so clearly. Tina Maddigan created a real character out of those frustrations, not an emotionally empty one.
Plus, her Julia was so perky and cute. She was so sweet to Robbie and so supportive of him during the high times and low times, all while singing so beautifully.
In my own life, I never fall for the woman whose sole goal in life is to be the pretty pretty princess at her wedding, but I fell for Julia Sullivan and Tina Maddigan.
I mentioned this once before, but had I been a producer in Hollywood, the night I saw The Wedding Singer, I would have snapped up Tina Maddigan and Stephen Lynch to star in a romantic comedy. They had such great chemistry, and that’s how good she was.
Website: http://www.tinamaddigan.com/homepage.htm
the Broadway Mouth
September 18, 2007
When you think of a great Broadway performance, you think of not only the ability to act the character but also stage presence—that intangible magic “it” factor—and stage charisma. It’s when you are watching someone up on that stage, and they are alight like a fluorescent bulb, and you can’t take your eyes off of them. That was Tina Maddigan as Julia Sullivan.
I think Julia is a more challenging character than people give credit for. In some ways, she is the type of woman men don’t particularly understand, the woman who lives to get married and plan the wedding. Her attraction to Glen almost seems perfunctory—he’s got the right chromosomes and is willing to pop the question. It’s only when she understands what a man is really supposed to be like, in the foil of Robbie Hart, that she learns about what her current situation is lacking.
This, I don’t believe, is an easy character to pull off because of her naiveté early in the show; however, Maddigan made me fall in love with Julia, particularly during “Pop!” because you see her emotional foibles so clearly. Tina Maddigan created a real character out of those frustrations, not an emotionally empty one.
Plus, her Julia was so perky and cute. She was so sweet to Robbie and so supportive of him during the high times and low times, all while singing so beautifully.
In my own life, I never fall for the woman whose sole goal in life is to be the pretty pretty princess at her wedding, but I fell for Julia Sullivan and Tina Maddigan.
I mentioned this once before, but had I been a producer in Hollywood, the night I saw The Wedding Singer, I would have snapped up Tina Maddigan and Stephen Lynch to star in a romantic comedy. They had such great chemistry, and that’s how good she was.
Website: http://www.tinamaddigan.com/homepage.htm
the Broadway Mouth
September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Sharon Brown
In Jekyll and Hyde on tour, Sharon Brown’s voice never stopped. I remember her singing “Someone Like You” and being in awe of that voice because it seemed so vast and rich.
More than her spectacular voice, Sharon Brown created a complex Lucy whose past you could almost see on the stage. After watching the show—in which Lucy not only fell in love with Jekyll but also had a tangible feeling for Hyde—I felt like I could reconstruct Lucy’s past in analysis of Sharon Brown’s characterization.
I’m so thankful Chuck Wagner chose Sharon Brown to duet on his solo album so that there is a record of her portrayal.
Sometimes when people have such an amazing voice, it’s hard to find roles for them that allow them to shine. Lucy, because of how the character was written, allowed for such expansion, much like Effie, whom Brown played on Broadway. I just hope this talented woman won’t have to wait long to get another chance to shine on stage.
Getting to Know You Interview: http://www.talkinbroadway.com/regional/at/at15.html
the Broadway Mouth
September 17, 2007
More than her spectacular voice, Sharon Brown created a complex Lucy whose past you could almost see on the stage. After watching the show—in which Lucy not only fell in love with Jekyll but also had a tangible feeling for Hyde—I felt like I could reconstruct Lucy’s past in analysis of Sharon Brown’s characterization.
I’m so thankful Chuck Wagner chose Sharon Brown to duet on his solo album so that there is a record of her portrayal.
Sometimes when people have such an amazing voice, it’s hard to find roles for them that allow them to shine. Lucy, because of how the character was written, allowed for such expansion, much like Effie, whom Brown played on Broadway. I just hope this talented woman won’t have to wait long to get another chance to shine on stage.
Getting to Know You Interview: http://www.talkinbroadway.com/regional/at/at15.html
the Broadway Mouth
September 17, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Salaam Bombay Dreams DVD
Okay, I have a confession to make. I um, how do I put this . . . I walked into Barnes and Noble about two years ago intending to buy the OBCR for Passion and walked out with Bombay Dreams.
There, I said it.
Now that I’ve completely compromised all my credibility (but am happy to be moving on in life with a much lighter load), please allow me to explain before you justly judge me for my shameful actions. Please.
You see, I already owned the Passion DVD, and I had seen “Shakalaka Baby” performed on Good Morning America. That song was so infectious that I knew the CD would be filled with such other interesting melodies.
So, as those of you saw the show know, I got what I deserved. There are a lot of infectious melodies with that danceable Eastern Indian flavor, but A.R. Rahman’s fresh melodies are incongruent with Western musical storytelling song structure, leaving me with a CD that is more awkward than fun. For example, the song “Like an Eagle” is almost six minutes long with lyrics consisting of a five repeats of the chorus (no verses) with minor lyrical alterations, which, frankly, is enough to make you beat your head against a brick wall. “Shakalaka Baby” is still loads of fun, as is the infectious Hindi-languaged (I think) “Chaiyya Chaiyya,” but I’d say there’s more “Like an Eagle” than exciting theatre songs (though maybe not quite so redundant). Many people have criticized Don Black’s lyrics for the show, but frankly, I don’t think Oscar Hammerstein II could have faired much better given the musical circumstances. Take “The Journey Home,” which has some very nice lyrics (Not every road you come across / Is one you have to take / No, sometimes standing still can be / The best move you ever make) but repeats itself too much.
The sure sign of a successful musical collaboration, however, is almost always in the show itself, which I was unfortunate to not be able to see.
Still, despite my disappointment with the CD, when I stumbled across the documentary Salaam Bombay Dreams at Barnes and Noble, I picked it up. It was only $14.99, which was less than most CDs, and I’m always game about learning how shows come together to glean what new knowledge I can.
I haven’t seen anything written anywhere about this DVD (though this is probably more likely from my missing it than there not being anything), so I’m detailing it here for those of you who were unaware such a DVD existed or knew about it but wondered what it was about. Consider it an early Christmas gift.
The DVD is divided into four sections—a 90-minute documentary, a collection of interviews with key creative team personnel (including producer Andrew Lloyd Webber), a gaggle of clips, and bonus material.
The most significant aspect of this DVD, first and foremost, is that there is little on here that is of interest outside Bombay Dreams. Often, when you see documentaries on the making of a stage show, there’s much to cull from it concerning the processes of getting a show created and produced; however, because of the unique nature of Bombay Dreams, it followed a unique journey to the stage that is hardly universal.
That is not to say that the documentary is not interesting. It follows the steps Andrew Lloyd Webber took upon the generation of the idea for the show, the finding of key creative talent, and, most interestingly, the British choreographer (and assistant) traveling to India to learn from Bollywood choreographer (and Bombay Dreams co-choreographer) Farah Khan. It also includes video footage of the meet and greet, the show in rehearsal, a healthy amount of choreography rehearsal and discussion, models and discussion of the set design, the set getting installed, and the gala opening night red carpet. Sprinkled throughout are images of the final production, some of which are repeated later on the disc.
The documentary helps to explain some of the oddities on the CD, for it appears that much of the music was recorded in India with the leads, while Indian singers perform what would typically be the ensemble backup. I don’t know Ayesha Dharker’s talents, but I wonder if that explains why Dharker doesn’t appear anywhere on the CD and lip synched to Preeya Kalidas’ voice for “Shakalaka Baby.” That’s just a theory formed without seeing the show, of course.
The interview footage is also primarily interesting in relation to the show. Much of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s interview is focused on the genius of A.R. Rahman. Librettist Meera Syal’s viewpoints are interesting because she opens up about her learning experience on the show. Parts of the interviews are repeated from the documentary, and there is also footage used to connect the different segments of the interviews, be they scenes from the show, rehearsals in Britain, or from rehearsals in India. Again, like the interviews themselves, some of these are re-used clips from the documentary, and some are new.
The best part of the DVD is the footage from the show. Some of these have MTVish add-ons at the beginning or the end of the clip, but for the most part, they are well-filmed scenes from the show. They consist of the original London cast performing “Shakalaka Baby” and “Chaiyya Chaiyya,” both of which are impressive for the sheer energy in the choreography and, in the latter, the speedy costume changes. There’s also “The Journey Home” (which I believe to be the full song, including a few lyrics not on the CD) and “How Many Stars” (my guess would be a reprise late in the show). Only “How Many Stars” includes any dialogue. It would have been nice to have some context for the others, particularly since the CD provides none whatsoever (not even a plot summary).
You also get two nice additions of the music videos of Preeya Kalidas’ “Shakalaka Baby” and “Love’s Never Easy,” the latter which would have been a nice bonus on the CD. “Shakalaka Baby” is energetic and fun, as you’d expect, though the visuals of “Love’s Never Easy” seems more dated (think Vanessa Williams singing “Colors of the Wind” in 1995). It is nice, however, to hear that song performed by a woman, and Kalidas’ gentle voice handles it beautifully.
The bonus material consists of rehearsal footage from the scene in which Akaash leaves his big premiere and denies his friends, incorporating scenes from the show in performance. It is interesting in that you get to see the scene being assembled, but it is by no means a revelation of technique or anything.
There is also an interesting look at the night the Queen attended the show and all the preparations that had to go into that event. The best moment goes to Raj Ghatak as Sweetie, though, who recalls his conversation with the queen, who seemed to not know how to react to his eunuch in a dress (or sari or whatever).
Even though there are no revelatory moments, I’m glad I bought Salaam Bombay Dreams to add to my collection of theatre videos and DVDs, and being a show clip hoarder, I ate that part up. Yet, I don’t think it is by any means a must-have for theatre fans unless they were fanatics of the show.
the Broadway Mouth
September 14, 2007
There, I said it.
Now that I’ve completely compromised all my credibility (but am happy to be moving on in life with a much lighter load), please allow me to explain before you justly judge me for my shameful actions. Please.
You see, I already owned the Passion DVD, and I had seen “Shakalaka Baby” performed on Good Morning America. That song was so infectious that I knew the CD would be filled with such other interesting melodies.
So, as those of you saw the show know, I got what I deserved. There are a lot of infectious melodies with that danceable Eastern Indian flavor, but A.R. Rahman’s fresh melodies are incongruent with Western musical storytelling song structure, leaving me with a CD that is more awkward than fun. For example, the song “Like an Eagle” is almost six minutes long with lyrics consisting of a five repeats of the chorus (no verses) with minor lyrical alterations, which, frankly, is enough to make you beat your head against a brick wall. “Shakalaka Baby” is still loads of fun, as is the infectious Hindi-languaged (I think) “Chaiyya Chaiyya,” but I’d say there’s more “Like an Eagle” than exciting theatre songs (though maybe not quite so redundant). Many people have criticized Don Black’s lyrics for the show, but frankly, I don’t think Oscar Hammerstein II could have faired much better given the musical circumstances. Take “The Journey Home,” which has some very nice lyrics (Not every road you come across / Is one you have to take / No, sometimes standing still can be / The best move you ever make) but repeats itself too much.
The sure sign of a successful musical collaboration, however, is almost always in the show itself, which I was unfortunate to not be able to see.
Still, despite my disappointment with the CD, when I stumbled across the documentary Salaam Bombay Dreams at Barnes and Noble, I picked it up. It was only $14.99, which was less than most CDs, and I’m always game about learning how shows come together to glean what new knowledge I can.
I haven’t seen anything written anywhere about this DVD (though this is probably more likely from my missing it than there not being anything), so I’m detailing it here for those of you who were unaware such a DVD existed or knew about it but wondered what it was about. Consider it an early Christmas gift.
The DVD is divided into four sections—a 90-minute documentary, a collection of interviews with key creative team personnel (including producer Andrew Lloyd Webber), a gaggle of clips, and bonus material.
The most significant aspect of this DVD, first and foremost, is that there is little on here that is of interest outside Bombay Dreams. Often, when you see documentaries on the making of a stage show, there’s much to cull from it concerning the processes of getting a show created and produced; however, because of the unique nature of Bombay Dreams, it followed a unique journey to the stage that is hardly universal.
That is not to say that the documentary is not interesting. It follows the steps Andrew Lloyd Webber took upon the generation of the idea for the show, the finding of key creative talent, and, most interestingly, the British choreographer (and assistant) traveling to India to learn from Bollywood choreographer (and Bombay Dreams co-choreographer) Farah Khan. It also includes video footage of the meet and greet, the show in rehearsal, a healthy amount of choreography rehearsal and discussion, models and discussion of the set design, the set getting installed, and the gala opening night red carpet. Sprinkled throughout are images of the final production, some of which are repeated later on the disc.
The documentary helps to explain some of the oddities on the CD, for it appears that much of the music was recorded in India with the leads, while Indian singers perform what would typically be the ensemble backup. I don’t know Ayesha Dharker’s talents, but I wonder if that explains why Dharker doesn’t appear anywhere on the CD and lip synched to Preeya Kalidas’ voice for “Shakalaka Baby.” That’s just a theory formed without seeing the show, of course.
The interview footage is also primarily interesting in relation to the show. Much of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s interview is focused on the genius of A.R. Rahman. Librettist Meera Syal’s viewpoints are interesting because she opens up about her learning experience on the show. Parts of the interviews are repeated from the documentary, and there is also footage used to connect the different segments of the interviews, be they scenes from the show, rehearsals in Britain, or from rehearsals in India. Again, like the interviews themselves, some of these are re-used clips from the documentary, and some are new.
The best part of the DVD is the footage from the show. Some of these have MTVish add-ons at the beginning or the end of the clip, but for the most part, they are well-filmed scenes from the show. They consist of the original London cast performing “Shakalaka Baby” and “Chaiyya Chaiyya,” both of which are impressive for the sheer energy in the choreography and, in the latter, the speedy costume changes. There’s also “The Journey Home” (which I believe to be the full song, including a few lyrics not on the CD) and “How Many Stars” (my guess would be a reprise late in the show). Only “How Many Stars” includes any dialogue. It would have been nice to have some context for the others, particularly since the CD provides none whatsoever (not even a plot summary).
You also get two nice additions of the music videos of Preeya Kalidas’ “Shakalaka Baby” and “Love’s Never Easy,” the latter which would have been a nice bonus on the CD. “Shakalaka Baby” is energetic and fun, as you’d expect, though the visuals of “Love’s Never Easy” seems more dated (think Vanessa Williams singing “Colors of the Wind” in 1995). It is nice, however, to hear that song performed by a woman, and Kalidas’ gentle voice handles it beautifully.
The bonus material consists of rehearsal footage from the scene in which Akaash leaves his big premiere and denies his friends, incorporating scenes from the show in performance. It is interesting in that you get to see the scene being assembled, but it is by no means a revelation of technique or anything.
There is also an interesting look at the night the Queen attended the show and all the preparations that had to go into that event. The best moment goes to Raj Ghatak as Sweetie, though, who recalls his conversation with the queen, who seemed to not know how to react to his eunuch in a dress (or sari or whatever).
Even though there are no revelatory moments, I’m glad I bought Salaam Bombay Dreams to add to my collection of theatre videos and DVDs, and being a show clip hoarder, I ate that part up. Yet, I don’t think it is by any means a must-have for theatre fans unless they were fanatics of the show.
the Broadway Mouth
September 14, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Judy Kaye
The piece de resistance of Sweeney Todd with eight instruments is Judy Kaye. Honestly, when I heard that Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street had been barbered down to eight instruments, I couldn’t have been less interested, no matter how revolutionary a concept.
But how can I resist seeing Judy Kaye on stage for the first time in such a role?
Probably my favorite Judy Kaye performance is as Emma Goldman in Ragtime, which I was able to see through the God-send of the Lincoln Center theatre archive. In the context of the show, I admire that character so much because she speaks so passionately about her convictions and acts upon them without regard for her own personal welfare (I don’t know enough about the real Emma Goldman to comment on her outside the musical). Kaye’s Goldman highlights all of those admirable characteristics, and she gave a dynamic performance. I love hearing her on that CD.
The first of my two other encounters with the great Judy Kaye is as Babe Williams on the Jay records release of the complete recording of The Pajama Game in which she gives a performance that almost seems to have stepped right off of a 1950s stage, which is perfect for this quintessential 1950s show. Because of the brassiness of her voice, Kaye’s Babe is particularly blue collar, while still soft and tender for the romantic moments of the show.
I also love her lusty (think both meanings of the word) Meg Brockie on the studio cast recording of Brigadoon. Her two solos highlighting Meg’s, um, hearty view of life are tops.
So, I hope to someday write about how exciting it was to see Judy Kaye in person. Until then, I’ll be in awe from her recordings.
Website: http://www.judykaye.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 14, 2007
But how can I resist seeing Judy Kaye on stage for the first time in such a role?
Probably my favorite Judy Kaye performance is as Emma Goldman in Ragtime, which I was able to see through the God-send of the Lincoln Center theatre archive. In the context of the show, I admire that character so much because she speaks so passionately about her convictions and acts upon them without regard for her own personal welfare (I don’t know enough about the real Emma Goldman to comment on her outside the musical). Kaye’s Goldman highlights all of those admirable characteristics, and she gave a dynamic performance. I love hearing her on that CD.
The first of my two other encounters with the great Judy Kaye is as Babe Williams on the Jay records release of the complete recording of The Pajama Game in which she gives a performance that almost seems to have stepped right off of a 1950s stage, which is perfect for this quintessential 1950s show. Because of the brassiness of her voice, Kaye’s Babe is particularly blue collar, while still soft and tender for the romantic moments of the show.
I also love her lusty (think both meanings of the word) Meg Brockie on the studio cast recording of Brigadoon. Her two solos highlighting Meg’s, um, hearty view of life are tops.
So, I hope to someday write about how exciting it was to see Judy Kaye in person. Until then, I’ll be in awe from her recordings.
Website: http://www.judykaye.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: Stephanie J. Block
Stephanie J. Block as Elphaba was powerful.
Call me whatever you want, but I’m one of those Broadway fans who loves his Wicked CD. I think the songs are amazing, and I love following those characters’ journeys over and over again.
My first (and only) Elphaba was Stephanie J. Block who rocked the house. There’s no other way to put it. Elphaba is a multi-faceted character who has to sing some really difficult songs. I know some people say “Defying Gravity” is screaming, but I think that’s the challenge, to sing it with power and emotion without resorting to screaming. Stephanie J. Block’s “Defying Gravity,” as the cherry on top of a wonderful first act, pushed me into the lobby exhilarated and flying high myself the way a happy Broadway show should send you out.
With or without good reviews, I would have rushed out to see The Pirate Queen to see Stephanie J. Block. She brings such warmth and power to her characters, which is not an easy thing. In seeing her singing songs from The Pirate Queen, as in Wicked, she’s belting out at full voice, yet remaining true to character. I’m astonished at her talent.
I’d love to see Wicked again this winter just for the opportunity to witness this amazing performer pulling out all the stops. I’m thrilled for her (and the show) to have the chance to shine on Broadway with this role, which she makes amazing.
Website: http://www.stephaniejblock.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 13, 2007
Call me whatever you want, but I’m one of those Broadway fans who loves his Wicked CD. I think the songs are amazing, and I love following those characters’ journeys over and over again.
My first (and only) Elphaba was Stephanie J. Block who rocked the house. There’s no other way to put it. Elphaba is a multi-faceted character who has to sing some really difficult songs. I know some people say “Defying Gravity” is screaming, but I think that’s the challenge, to sing it with power and emotion without resorting to screaming. Stephanie J. Block’s “Defying Gravity,” as the cherry on top of a wonderful first act, pushed me into the lobby exhilarated and flying high myself the way a happy Broadway show should send you out.
With or without good reviews, I would have rushed out to see The Pirate Queen to see Stephanie J. Block. She brings such warmth and power to her characters, which is not an easy thing. In seeing her singing songs from The Pirate Queen, as in Wicked, she’s belting out at full voice, yet remaining true to character. I’m astonished at her talent.
I’d love to see Wicked again this winter just for the opportunity to witness this amazing performer pulling out all the stops. I’m thrilled for her (and the show) to have the chance to shine on Broadway with this role, which she makes amazing.
Website: http://www.stephaniejblock.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: LaChanze
It was thrilling to see LaChanze in The Color Purple. Prior to seeing that show, I had only been familiar with her for her duets on Matt Bogart’s solo album, but seeing her in person was even better.
Celie must be such a challenging role to take on night after night. First of all, her journey has got to be such a difficult one to live eight shows a week for a year, but then there’s such difficult music to sing as well.
I was simply in awe of her performance. She created this child character and presented her so convincingly in all her ages and all of her emotional stages. There were many emotional points centered on Celie in The Color Purple, but the highlight for me was her powerful and delicate “I’m Here,” which sent chills up and down my spine. I love revisiting that performance on the OBCR.
I also admire her because LaChanze is a beautiful woman, but she managed to physically create an ugly Celie who radiated beauty. Without prosthetics, a beautiful person is always a beautiful person, but LaChanze acted Celie’s appearance so that you actually believed that Celie was ugly. But she created such an endearing character, you felt her beauty. That’s amazing to me.
Website: http://www.lachanze.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 12, 2007
Celie must be such a challenging role to take on night after night. First of all, her journey has got to be such a difficult one to live eight shows a week for a year, but then there’s such difficult music to sing as well.
I was simply in awe of her performance. She created this child character and presented her so convincingly in all her ages and all of her emotional stages. There were many emotional points centered on Celie in The Color Purple, but the highlight for me was her powerful and delicate “I’m Here,” which sent chills up and down my spine. I love revisiting that performance on the OBCR.
I also admire her because LaChanze is a beautiful woman, but she managed to physically create an ugly Celie who radiated beauty. Without prosthetics, a beautiful person is always a beautiful person, but LaChanze acted Celie’s appearance so that you actually believed that Celie was ugly. But she created such an endearing character, you felt her beauty. That’s amazing to me.
Website: http://www.lachanze.com/
the Broadway Mouth
September 12, 2007
Musings on ElleTV and The Little Mermaid Gossip Machine
Legally Blonde on MTV
Whenever you endeavor to do something new or different, it’s a major risk. Safety rarely brings about change or innovation. It was a risk to open a show with an old bat churning butter instead of leggy chorus girls stepping away. Thank God for Oklahoma!, right? It was a risk to cast film star Angela Lansbury in a major singing and dancing role, but she won the Tony (and everyone’s hearts) in Mame. It was a risk for Andrew Lloyd Webber to put a bunch of poems to music, but Cats has entertained how many?
That’s not to say that risk is always met with success. In My Life was a risk, which ended famously with a thud of disbelief. First time producer Rosie O’Donnell sinking her own money into the sinking Taboo was a big-time risk. The list could continue endlessly.
Broadcasting Legally Blonde on MTV is undoubtedly a gigantic risk. People like me, eager to see all the great shows, would gladly catch the broadcast on MTV then go to New York to see other shows. Of course, nothing ever replaces live theatre, but when you’re spending $60-120 and there are so many tantalizing shows on the boards, you have to spend wisely to see as much as you can.
That said, this could be the start of a major wave. The vision is there. When teens and tweens fall in love with things, they fall hard and fast. This could totally boost the Broadway box office as kids come to see Laura Bell Bundy live. Look at the High School Musical phenomenon—kids have watched the move dozens of times, bought two editions of the CD, have seen the concert, bought the concert DVD, are now running to see it on stage, and are now eating up the sequel in record numbers. This airing isn’t even a shot-in-the-dark. People like me—and those of us who post on the message boards and gobble up Playbill.com—aren’t the ones for whom this airing is intended.
The truth is that Legally Blonde will otherwise surely struggle during the winter months when vacationers aren’t coming to the city in droves. Like The Wedding Singer, it might otherwise face an end-of-the-year farewell. This MTV airing is hardly a sure bet, but it’s a calculated risk and a piece of visionary thinking.
Even if it costs the Broadway show, it will definitely set up for a popular tour and probably many successful high school productions once the show is ready for licensing. Plus, the Original Broadway Cast recording could have sales going through the roof, or at least a few feet off the floor. With such broad national attention, a successful airing is going to do something for that CD.
Two people are going to benefit the most. First of all, theatre folk. Not only will we get a free Broadway show and a lifelong remembrance of it, but the airing will do something to ignite interest in theatre among young people. We all have our own first life-changing encounter with Broadway story. For how many kids will this present a different version of the same experience? It’s MTV, and it’s sure to be a mega-hit with teen girls, at least, likely more. After all, boys dig High School Musical just as much as girls, and Legally Blonde is a beloved movie.
Secondly, it’s also possible that it’ll give a big boost to Laura Bell Bundy’s career. Again, you never do know, but this will give her attention in Hollywood, and if the airing is really successful, she’ll become popular with the teen crowd. When that happens, a beautiful, intelligent, and talented woman like Laura Bell Bundy could become very famous.
So, I’m excited for Legally Blonde on MTV, even though I don’t even have cable. I think it’ll be fascinating to see what happens and how this could affect shows in the future. I applaud the producers of Legally Blonde for thinking outside-the-box and being willing to try something new.
The Little Mermaid buzz
As word hits New York and pictures begin to surface of Ariel and friends, I think it’s important to remember a few things.
One of the recurring ideas among contemporary Broadway actors interviewed by Rick McKay for his Broadway: The Golden Age documentary and sequels (as previewed on the bonus features of the original film’s DVD) is how the stage version of Beauty and the Beast really, in the words of Tovah Feldshuh, “changed the value system [on Broadway] pretty drastically.” Now, this is not my own commentary, but I think it’s important to hear what she’s saying. To some degree, I have to agree with Feldshuh when she says, “It’s so interesting to see an actor do this in a leotard [motioning like a teapot], let us say, or in something where you can perceive that there’s a person in there rather than having the teapot being so all-encompassing that you don’t even know Beth Fowler’s in there, that it could be Beth Fowler or it could be Mrs. Clinton.”
Part of the magic of the theatre is the audience’s use of imagination. This is one thing I always taught my students. I also think this is one reason why The Lion King has been so successful. It’s not literal. The first time I saw Our Town, I still remember how magical it was because of Wilder’s creative use of the audience’s imagination. That’s magic, maybe even more so than Norma Desmond’s mansion.
It’s important to remember that Disney Theatricals head Thomas Schumacher wasn’t involved in the production of Beauty and the Beast. The productions that he has helped create are not literal interpretations of films. Obviously, The Lion King is a great example of that. Aida, while not based on a film, was not realistically Egyptian either. In my opinion, the creative team produced a concept that was far more theatrical and visually appealing. Even Tarzan, which needed help, took large and daring deliberate steps away from the film. I haven’t seen Mary Poppins yet, but from my understanding, it too attempts to create a uniquely theatrical experience and takes vast steps away from the movie.
I have a feeling that Thomas Schumacher has a more theatrical heart than his Beauty and the Beast forbearers, which will influence The Little Mermaid. That’s a good thing.
The best determination, it is important to remember, will always be the final product. Personally, I’d take a more literal Beauty and the Beast to the more imagination-based Tarzan any day, but that is based solely on the overall experience. The Little Mermaid, above all, will fail or succeed based on its storytelling. Having an imaginative design will really be secondary. Remember Follies?
Now, that is not to say that abstract costuming is the best idea, or that the show doesn’t need work—be it major or minor. I have no clue. But I think avoiding literal interpretation is at least a far more interesting take than simply taking the movie and projecting that onto the stage. If Disney were to simply present an image-by-image replica, then why not do it at Disney World?
I also take issue with Michael Riedel’s recent column on Disney’s relying on new people to help create their shows. I think that’s a mark of inventiveness. It was that same thinking that moved Thomas Schumacher and Peter Schneider to call upon Julie Taymor to take on The Lion King. So it didn’t work as well with Bob Crowley as director of Tarzan, but I think the Disney people should be applauded for experimenting. Sometimes the experimenting works, and sometimes it doesn’t; however, it is better than always taking the easy path. Opera costume designer Tatiana Noginova and director Francesca Zambello are intensely creative people with a history of very interesting ideas. What a good idea to hand-deliver their talents to Broadway. Maybe it’ll work like The Lion King, and maybe it won’t, like Tarzan. But no one is going to know until they try.
As history has shown us—Oklahoma!, Mame, and Cats, for a sampling of examples—is that taking risks can lead to something spectacular. Taking the safe route rarely does.
the Broadway Mouth
September 12, 2007
Whenever you endeavor to do something new or different, it’s a major risk. Safety rarely brings about change or innovation. It was a risk to open a show with an old bat churning butter instead of leggy chorus girls stepping away. Thank God for Oklahoma!, right? It was a risk to cast film star Angela Lansbury in a major singing and dancing role, but she won the Tony (and everyone’s hearts) in Mame. It was a risk for Andrew Lloyd Webber to put a bunch of poems to music, but Cats has entertained how many?
That’s not to say that risk is always met with success. In My Life was a risk, which ended famously with a thud of disbelief. First time producer Rosie O’Donnell sinking her own money into the sinking Taboo was a big-time risk. The list could continue endlessly.
Broadcasting Legally Blonde on MTV is undoubtedly a gigantic risk. People like me, eager to see all the great shows, would gladly catch the broadcast on MTV then go to New York to see other shows. Of course, nothing ever replaces live theatre, but when you’re spending $60-120 and there are so many tantalizing shows on the boards, you have to spend wisely to see as much as you can.
That said, this could be the start of a major wave. The vision is there. When teens and tweens fall in love with things, they fall hard and fast. This could totally boost the Broadway box office as kids come to see Laura Bell Bundy live. Look at the High School Musical phenomenon—kids have watched the move dozens of times, bought two editions of the CD, have seen the concert, bought the concert DVD, are now running to see it on stage, and are now eating up the sequel in record numbers. This airing isn’t even a shot-in-the-dark. People like me—and those of us who post on the message boards and gobble up Playbill.com—aren’t the ones for whom this airing is intended.
The truth is that Legally Blonde will otherwise surely struggle during the winter months when vacationers aren’t coming to the city in droves. Like The Wedding Singer, it might otherwise face an end-of-the-year farewell. This MTV airing is hardly a sure bet, but it’s a calculated risk and a piece of visionary thinking.
Even if it costs the Broadway show, it will definitely set up for a popular tour and probably many successful high school productions once the show is ready for licensing. Plus, the Original Broadway Cast recording could have sales going through the roof, or at least a few feet off the floor. With such broad national attention, a successful airing is going to do something for that CD.
Two people are going to benefit the most. First of all, theatre folk. Not only will we get a free Broadway show and a lifelong remembrance of it, but the airing will do something to ignite interest in theatre among young people. We all have our own first life-changing encounter with Broadway story. For how many kids will this present a different version of the same experience? It’s MTV, and it’s sure to be a mega-hit with teen girls, at least, likely more. After all, boys dig High School Musical just as much as girls, and Legally Blonde is a beloved movie.
Secondly, it’s also possible that it’ll give a big boost to Laura Bell Bundy’s career. Again, you never do know, but this will give her attention in Hollywood, and if the airing is really successful, she’ll become popular with the teen crowd. When that happens, a beautiful, intelligent, and talented woman like Laura Bell Bundy could become very famous.
So, I’m excited for Legally Blonde on MTV, even though I don’t even have cable. I think it’ll be fascinating to see what happens and how this could affect shows in the future. I applaud the producers of Legally Blonde for thinking outside-the-box and being willing to try something new.
The Little Mermaid buzz
As word hits New York and pictures begin to surface of Ariel and friends, I think it’s important to remember a few things.
One of the recurring ideas among contemporary Broadway actors interviewed by Rick McKay for his Broadway: The Golden Age documentary and sequels (as previewed on the bonus features of the original film’s DVD) is how the stage version of Beauty and the Beast really, in the words of Tovah Feldshuh, “changed the value system [on Broadway] pretty drastically.” Now, this is not my own commentary, but I think it’s important to hear what she’s saying. To some degree, I have to agree with Feldshuh when she says, “It’s so interesting to see an actor do this in a leotard [motioning like a teapot], let us say, or in something where you can perceive that there’s a person in there rather than having the teapot being so all-encompassing that you don’t even know Beth Fowler’s in there, that it could be Beth Fowler or it could be Mrs. Clinton.”
Part of the magic of the theatre is the audience’s use of imagination. This is one thing I always taught my students. I also think this is one reason why The Lion King has been so successful. It’s not literal. The first time I saw Our Town, I still remember how magical it was because of Wilder’s creative use of the audience’s imagination. That’s magic, maybe even more so than Norma Desmond’s mansion.
It’s important to remember that Disney Theatricals head Thomas Schumacher wasn’t involved in the production of Beauty and the Beast. The productions that he has helped create are not literal interpretations of films. Obviously, The Lion King is a great example of that. Aida, while not based on a film, was not realistically Egyptian either. In my opinion, the creative team produced a concept that was far more theatrical and visually appealing. Even Tarzan, which needed help, took large and daring deliberate steps away from the film. I haven’t seen Mary Poppins yet, but from my understanding, it too attempts to create a uniquely theatrical experience and takes vast steps away from the movie.
I have a feeling that Thomas Schumacher has a more theatrical heart than his Beauty and the Beast forbearers, which will influence The Little Mermaid. That’s a good thing.
The best determination, it is important to remember, will always be the final product. Personally, I’d take a more literal Beauty and the Beast to the more imagination-based Tarzan any day, but that is based solely on the overall experience. The Little Mermaid, above all, will fail or succeed based on its storytelling. Having an imaginative design will really be secondary. Remember Follies?
Now, that is not to say that abstract costuming is the best idea, or that the show doesn’t need work—be it major or minor. I have no clue. But I think avoiding literal interpretation is at least a far more interesting take than simply taking the movie and projecting that onto the stage. If Disney were to simply present an image-by-image replica, then why not do it at Disney World?
I also take issue with Michael Riedel’s recent column on Disney’s relying on new people to help create their shows. I think that’s a mark of inventiveness. It was that same thinking that moved Thomas Schumacher and Peter Schneider to call upon Julie Taymor to take on The Lion King. So it didn’t work as well with Bob Crowley as director of Tarzan, but I think the Disney people should be applauded for experimenting. Sometimes the experimenting works, and sometimes it doesn’t; however, it is better than always taking the easy path. Opera costume designer Tatiana Noginova and director Francesca Zambello are intensely creative people with a history of very interesting ideas. What a good idea to hand-deliver their talents to Broadway. Maybe it’ll work like The Lion King, and maybe it won’t, like Tarzan. But no one is going to know until they try.
As history has shown us—Oklahoma!, Mame, and Cats, for a sampling of examples—is that taking risks can lead to something spectacular. Taking the safe route rarely does.
the Broadway Mouth
September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Amazing Broadway Performer: JoAnn M. Hunter
Here was another one of those cases of the understudy making you forget you were seeing an understudy. JoAnn M. Hunter, who later took over the role, was my Lois Lane when I saw Kiss Me, Kate on Broadway.
It was an electric performance, her Lois Lane a comedic delight full of stage presence and charm. Like I had mentioned in an earlier blog, this was the first Broadway show I saw where it featured significant dancing of this type—numbers that weren’t largely driven by an entire chorus on stage. It was awesome to see JoAnn M. Hunter doing her thing with such skill and flair.
I laughed so hard at her Lois, whom she made not only a few seats short of a full house but charming and sympathetic as well. Her “Always True to You (In My Fashion)” was a comedic delight.
When I met Ms. Hunter outside the stage door, I still remember how in awe I was of her talents. Plus, she was incredibly kind, which is always a bonus.
The Internet Broadway Database indicates that in recent years, the uber-talented Ms. Hunter has moved into taking on creative roles behind-the-scenes. I hope that doesn’t signal an end to her great career onstage.
Getting to Know You Interview: Why hasn’t anyone interviewed this amazing talent?
the Broadway Mouth
September 11, 2007
It was an electric performance, her Lois Lane a comedic delight full of stage presence and charm. Like I had mentioned in an earlier blog, this was the first Broadway show I saw where it featured significant dancing of this type—numbers that weren’t largely driven by an entire chorus on stage. It was awesome to see JoAnn M. Hunter doing her thing with such skill and flair.
I laughed so hard at her Lois, whom she made not only a few seats short of a full house but charming and sympathetic as well. Her “Always True to You (In My Fashion)” was a comedic delight.
When I met Ms. Hunter outside the stage door, I still remember how in awe I was of her talents. Plus, she was incredibly kind, which is always a bonus.
The Internet Broadway Database indicates that in recent years, the uber-talented Ms. Hunter has moved into taking on creative roles behind-the-scenes. I hope that doesn’t signal an end to her great career onstage.
Getting to Know You Interview: Why hasn’t anyone interviewed this amazing talent?
the Broadway Mouth
September 11, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
A Vision’s Just a Vision / If It’s Only in Your Head. / If No One Gets to See It, / It’s as Good as Dead.
A dancer dances, and a writer writes. We just don’t always get our audience.
So, for the fun of it, I’m posting the pilot episode of the sitcom I created three years ago. After all my rambling (albeit very interesting rambling, I’m sure), maybe someone out there would like to see what I’ve done. Maybe not. It’s your choice.
This originally began as something I created to submit to Situation: Comedy, the reality show Sean Hayes and Todd Milliner produced to foster new talent in television writing. I submitted a very early version of the script, which I have since greatly revised and polished after going through a period of studying the genre.
Honestly, no one but the United States copyright office has seen this script, with the exception of two trusted friends and a stuntman. I spent five weeks in Los Angeles back in 2005, and I traveled there with five total scripts—two spec scripts for existing shows (done for the sole reason of showcasing my abilities) and three original scripts, one for a pilot of an original 30-minute three-camera comedy (the one below), a second episode of that comedy, and the other a drama based on an unpublished novel of mine.
This sitcom has a special place in my heart because I had planned out the first season and the overall arcs of the characters. I got emotionally attached to something that never had a chance, like an artistic miscarriage. It was a love letter to the people I taught with my first two years as well as my cathartic caricature of some people and experiences in my life (mixed with a heaping helping of fiction), so in many ways, it was very personal, perhaps in the way Everybody Loves Raymond was for producer Phil Rosenthal.
And no one’s ever seen it. So, since I’m always referring to writing on my blog, I thought I’d take a divergence to post it so someone might find some joy in it. The worst aspect of being a writer, besides the lack of caloric exertion from sitting in a chair and typing, is that nobody ever sees what you do. It’s the same for actors too. You have to beg and plead and coerce just to get your work read, and then, when you find that one person out of two hundred, it really winds up on a pile on a desk before falling into the trashcan to make room for someone’s Caribou (coffee, that is, not the animal, though in Hollywood you never know).
If you are interested in reading it, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, my show is indeed copyrighted 2005 by me. Secondly, to make the best use of space (and taking into account how people are used to reading scripts for pleasure as well as the limits on Blogger), I have altered the formatting to reflect that of a published play. And, so you don’t get confused, the abbreviations INT and EXT are interior and exterior.
Please also note that there’s a teaser, two acts, and a tag.
To help you visualize some characterizations (which is the biggest challenge in reading something like this), I’ll give you some insights into the characters. I had seen Nan being played by someone like Judith Light or Jackée Harry. Both are very different actresses, but they both have a deft comedic touch. I think Judith Light would have made the character classy, and Jackée Harry would have made her irresistibly cute.
I never had an actor in mind for Jack, but for the sake of reading, think of a Thomas Gibson type. I’m thinking specifically of his character’s awkward moments on Dharma and Greg, where he is caught trying to justify Dharma in odd situations. Jack has to be a plain-looking character, so Gibson never would have worked, but you get the idea.
I wrote the character Brady specifically for an obscure actor from my youth. Marc Worden was one of the cast members on The Mickey Mouse Club from the 80s and 90s. When I wrote the character, I kept in mind Worden’s laid back voice quality and comedic timing. Actually, even though he’s not plain-looking, Worden could also have been a good candidate for Jack as well. We may never know.
I didn’t have anyone nameable in mind in writing Bob, Nikki, or Cheryl, though I had always hoped to pull people from the Broadway ranks for as many parts as possible.
Some descriptions of the main characters:
Jack Carter—Jack is in his early 30s with average looks. He’s the quintessential single man of his age. He has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which is how he sees the world. He’s a fairly sane and normal fellow, surrounded by people he loves but who tend to somehow get him caught up in their insanity.
Nan Carter—Nan is an attractive, professional-looking woman in her mid-50s, very intelligent and witty. As a result of recent life circumstances, she can have three or four emotions within a five minute period—cheerful and up-beat one moment, miserable and manipulative the next. As you read her lines, you need to keep those mood swings in mind.
Todd Carter—Todd is an intelligent and dedicated high school principal highly respected by his employees. He’s in the midst of a late mid-life crisis, though, which means he acts irrationally.
Brady—Brady is in his mid-20s, seemingly laid back, though a very good teacher and beloved by his students.
Nikki—Pronounced with the stress on the second syllable, Nikki is an attractive woman in her mid-20s. She seems flighty, but she’s actually extremely intelligent, mainly lacking a filter. She also takes herself a little too seriously.
Cheryl—Cheryl is in her late 50s. She’s counting her days down until she can retire. She’s a great teacher, but she’s also been a little worn down by life in and outside the classroom. The result is she’s very sarcastic and pessimistic.
Kill Me Now
“We’ve Only Just Begun”
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
IT IS THE INSIDE OF JACK’S CONDO. JACK HAS RECENTLY MOVED IN, SO THERE ARE BOXES STACKED EVERYWHERE, NOTHING IS ON THE WALL, ETC.
ON THE LEFT SIDE IS A DOOR ENTERING THE CONDO. THE DOOR LEADS INTO A SPACIOUS LIVING ROOM WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND COLORED WALLS. IN THE BACK IS THE KITCHEN, WHICH HAS A DINING AREA ADJACENT TO IT. OFF TO THE RIGHT IS THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE BEDROOMS.
JACK IS QUICKLY UNPACKING THINGS. AS HE OPENS ONE BOX, HIS FACE SHOWS HIS SURPRISE AT WHAT’S INSIDE. JACK’S AUNT NAN ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES IN HER HANDS. SHE’S A LITTLE OVERLY CHEERFUL.
NAN: Happy moving in.
JACK: Hey, Auntie. I’m not ready for visitors yet.
NAN: I’m not a visitor; I’m family . . . for now.
JACK: Nan, what . . . what’s wrong—
NAN: Nothing. I don’t want to depress you with the details of how your uncle doesn’t want me anymore after twenty-eight years of marriage and two children and the downward gravitational shift of my entire body. (FLASHES A FAKE SMILE) So let’s forget about all that. I brought some yummies, and I thought I’d make you some of my famous quesadillas to welcome you as your beloved aunt, perhaps for the last time.
JACK: Auntie Nan, what on earth happened?
NAN: Oh, it’s nothing, really. Nothing a divorce can’t cure. Maybe I’ll move to a third world country and teach hygiene.
JACK: I didn’t know there was anything wrong between you and Uncle Todd.
NAN: Oh, the warning signs have been there since last year when he started going to the gym. (LOSING IT) But I just noticed them all this morning. But I don’t want to bother you with the details. After all, I’m only your aunt through marriage, and in a few weeks, I won’t be married anymore. Really, I’ll be fine. (SWITCHING INSTANTLY; ANGRILY) I’ll be fine once I chop him into pieces and bury him in my garden! Anyway, enough about me. How’s the moving in going?
JACK: It’s going fine . . . a little busy with me starting my new job tomorrow and everything.
NAN: And that’s why I’m going to make you some quesadillas.
JACK: That’s all right, Auntie. I mean, I don’t really have the space or the—
NAN: (BEGINS CRYING) That’s all right. I understand. Your uncle doesn’t want my quesadillas anymore; I can’t imagine you would either. Perhaps they’d let me make ‘em at the homeless shelter.
JACK: Well, I—
NAN: And all because he lost twenty pounds and got a hair transplant. I liked all that hair better when it was on his back. At least then he didn’t think about trading me in like an old Buick! Thank God he’s got such good investments. That’s more for me to take from him!
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
JACK: (GETTING UP TO GET THE DOOR) Now, Auntie, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.
JACK OPENS THE DOOR, AND IT’S HIS UNCLE TODD, WHO STARTS TALKING THE SECOND THE DOOR OPENS. TODD ENTERS WITHOUT INVITE, NOT NOTICING HIS WIFE.
TODD: It’s official. Your aunt is a raving fruitcake. Give her a rabies shot before she passes it on. (TURNS, SEES NAN; WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) Hello, dear.
CUT OUT
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
TODD AND NAN ARE NOW READY TO FACE OFF, JACK STUCK BETWEEN THEM WITH A RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE GRIMACE ON HIS FACE.
NAN: So, I’m a fruitcake, huh?
TODD: I meant that in a good way.
NAN: Anything else you want to tell me that you left out of your email?
JACK: Email?
NAN: Oh, I forgot that part. I open my email this morning; “Dear Nan, I can’t bring myself to tell you in person, but I feel the need to move on. I’ve enjoyed being married to you, and I wish you well in the future.”
TODD: It’s one of those things that sounded like a good plan at the time . . .
NAN: Yeah, right up there with cutting down the rainforest and making Jaws 4.
TODD: Tell me about it. I sent it five days ago, and I didn’t know when she’d get it.
NAN: I’ve been estranged from my husband for five days and never even knew it.
TODD: Of course, when she tried suffocating me with a doily, that was a sure sign.
NAN” And it would have worked, if those stupid holes hadn’t gotten in the way! (TO JACK) I’ll give you half the inheritance if you have a satin pillow handy right now.
JACK: This is all very entertaining in a Jerry Springer kind-of-way and all, but I’ve just moved in, and tomorrow, I start a new job . . .
NAN: You’re right. I should instead be consoling you. You have to work with him (POINTING TO TODD) everyday. Last a year, and you might get sainthood.
TODD: That’s what the pope told me the day I married you. And, for your information, there are a lot of people who like working with me everyday.
NAN: Oh? I didn’t realize you employed Lizzie Borden and Charles Manson.
TODD: I think it’s time I leave.
NAN: Why are you telling him that? Wouldn’t you prefer to email it?
TODD: Jack, I’ll see you tomorrow.
TODD STORMS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
JACK: See . . . things aren’t that bad. Maybe you should just let things settle, and, you know, talk through your problems.
NAN: You’re just saying that because you want me to leave.
JACK: No, I—
NAN: See, nobody wants me. Maybe I’ll volunteer at the zoo. I’m sure they need someone to feed to the bears.
JACK: That’s not what I—
NAN: But anyway, enough of all this depressing talk. I’m going to go home, lock him out of the bedroom, and get a nice, long night’s sleep so I have energy to figure out how I’m going to screw him over in the morning. (LOVINGLY) Besides, I’ve kept you long enough.
JACK: Well, I do start my job tomorrow . . .
NAN: Yes, and have a great first day at school. And don’t worry. Even if your uncle is anxious about working with family, I think you’ll do great.
JACK: He’s what?
NAN: Oh, you know him and his obsession over his work. He’s so worried about you making him look bad. But don’t you worry. Just because you’re a new teacher, I don’t think he’d fire you without a good cause even though he could. Don’t worry a bit. Anyway, nephew dear, don’t think two extra thoughts about me tonight.
NAN STARTS TO LEAVE.
JACK: I’m sure everything will be—
NAN: Yes, Jack, I’ll be fine.
JACK: Just don’t do anything rash.
NAN: Oh, I won’t. (OPENS THE DOOR, THEN TURNS BACK) Say, did Lorena Bobbitt’s insanity defense work?
JACK: Um, I don’t know.
NAN: (SHE THINKS A MOMENT) Well, thank God for Google!
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE B
INT. WHITE OAK HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - MORNING
IT IS THE CAFETERIA OF WHITE OAK HIGH SCHOOL, AND ALL THE CHAIRS ARE SET UP AUDITORIUM-STYLE. THERE IS A PODIUM AT THE FRONT FOR A SPEAKER TO STAND. PEOPLE ARE MINGLING ABOUT OVER A TABLE OF DOUGHNUTS, BAGELS, AND WARM JUICE. JACK ENTERS NERVOUSLY, CARRYING A SHOULDER BAG. TODD GREETS HIM WHEN HE ENTERS.
TODD: Jack, welcome to the first day of workshops.
JACK: Thanks.
TODD: Now, listen, about yesterday . . . (PAUSE, THEN SERIOUSLY) Just because your aunt and I are getting a divorce doesn’t mean that we don’t love you. We still care—
JACK: Why are you telling me this?
TODD: Did you like it? I wanted to try it out on you before telling it to my kids. I can’t decide if I should try it with tears or not.
JACK: You might want to try it with sincerity. That oughtta work.
TODD: Really?
BRADY APPROACHES THEM.
BRADY: Hey Todd, is this the man?
TODD: Oh yeah, yeah. Jack this is your mentor, Brady, hand-picked by me. The parents love ‘im. (TO BRADY) Now you get my nephew off to a good start, okay?
BRADY: You bet. Anything for you, Todd.
TODD GOES TO GREET OTHERS.
BRADY (continued): Just remember, do I as I say and not as I do, and you’ll be just fine.
JACK: (CONFUSED) Thanks.
BRADY: My first piece of advice for you is to set a goal for the year. This year, my goal is to keep a grade-book. If I use it for the whole year, I’m gonna buy myself a car. See, if you can give yourself a tangible reward, it acts as motivation. Of course, chances are I’m gonna get the car either way, but we all need unreachable goals, right? (SEES A STRANGE LOOK ON JACK’S FACE) Hey, everything all right? You look a little hungover.
JACK: Sorry, I’m just a little shocked about my uncle’s divorce and—
BRADY: His what?
JACK: Oh, shoot! There I go already. Listen Brady, don’t tell anybody what I said. You can’t tell a soul.
BRADY: Hey, man, sure. I give you my word as a future Social Studies Teacher of the Year Award Winner.
TODD IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM IN THE FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA.
TODD: Excuse me . . . Excuse me, if you could all take your seats.
BRADY: Hey, let’s go sit over here next to Nikki.
WHEN THEY SIT DOWN, NIKKI GIVES BRADY A FRIENDLY SMILE.
NIKKI: Hey Brady, what’s up?
BRADY: Do I got something you’ll never believe. But you can’t tell anyone, got it?
NIKKI NODS, AND BRADY SAYS SOMETHING TO HER THAT CAN’T BE HEARD, AND SHE REACTS WITH WIDE EYES, HER HAND HELD IN SHOCK TO HER MOUTH. IMMEDIATELY, SHE TURNS TO SOMEONE ELSE. WHILE TODD IS TALKING, THE MESSAGE IS RAPIDLY BEING PASSED AROUND.
TODD: Good morning, everyone. Thank you all for being here on this early August morning. I hope you’ve all had an opportunity to get some breakfast. Before we begin anything, I’d like to take a moment and introduce all of the new teachers who will be joining us this year, and this year—
AS TODD SPEAKS, A HAND SHOOTS UP.
TODD (continued): Yes, Betsy. Do you have a question?
BETSY, A QUIET, UNASSUMING YOUNG TEACHER WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE’S JUST BARELY GRADUATED FROM HOME SCHOOLING, STANDS UP MEEKLY.
BETSY: As the high school union representative of the White Oak Education Association and on behalf of all fifty-eight teachers in the high school, I’d like to offer my condolences on the dissolution of your marriage.
AT THE WORD OF THIS, THE REMAINING TEACHERS WHO HADN’T ALREADY HEARD LET OUT A GASP OF PITY, STARING AT HIM.
BETSY (continuedd): We hope you and the young tramp you’ve traded your ex-wife for will be truly happy.
TODD: (SENSITIVE OF THE ACCUSATION) There is no other woman!
BOB, AN OLDER MALE TEACHER, SHOOTS HIS HAND UP.
TODD (continued): And no, Bob, I’m not interested in marrying your daughter, even if she did finally wax off her Groucho Marx.
NODDING AND SADLY UNDERSTANDING, BOB LOWERS HIS HAND.
TODD (continued): Now, I insist on knowing how this got out. We haven’t even called to tell our kids.
TODD LOOKS DIRECTLY AT BETSY. AFTER BETSY SPEAKS, THERE IS A PROGRESSION OF TEACHERS SEATED IN A LINE.
BETSY: Well, Marie told me.
MARIE: Daniel told me.
DANIEL: But you weren’t supposed to tell anyone! Melissa told me.
MELISSA: I heard it from Genevieve.
GENEVIEVE: I was sworn to secrecy, but I knew I could trust Melissa . . . even though Barry told me not to tell.
BARRY: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate Shawn. (REALIZING HIS MISTAKE) Oh!
SHAWN: Well, Mia told me, and she told me not to tell anyone, but I thought Barry was trustworthy.
MIA: I guess you can’t trust anyone these days! . . . (SHEEPISHLY) Right, Cheryl?
CHERYL: At least not Nikki.
NIKKI: Brady.
SITTING BESIDE BRADY IS JACK, WHO IS LOOKING SHEEPISH.
BRADY: I will not name names. My lips are sealed.
WITH THIS, EVERY EYE TURNS TO JACK, WHO IS AT THE END OF THE LINE.
TODD: (ACCUSING IN TONE) Did everyone get a chance to meet my nephew, Jack?
SHEEPISHLY, JACK WAVES.
TODD (continued): As long as the cat is out of the bag, I might as well set it free. And how did I wind up with a trampy mistress?
NIKKI: Don’t you know?
BRADY: Were you a little liquored up there, Todd?
TODD: There is no other woman!
HE LOOKS OVER AT JACK.
JACK: Hey, I didn’t say that.
MARIE, ONE OF THE TEACHERS FROM THE GOSSIP LINE, WHO IS A LITTLE OLD FACS TEACHER, RISES.
MARIE: I’m sorry, it was I who said that. See, Betsy asked me why, and I . . . Well, you see . . . I mean, she . . . (EXASPERATED) Oh poop. She asked me why. I’ve been a teacher for thirty years. When I don’t know the answer to a question, I guess I’m just used to making it up. But I never said she was a tramp.
TODD: (EXASPERATED) Well, thank you, Marie.
MARIE: I called her a skank.
CHERYL: What’s a skank?
THE MEETING BREAKS INTO A SIDE DISCUSSION AS PEOPLE TRY TO ANSWER CHERYL’S QUESTION.
BETSY: A tramp.
DANIEL: Well, not quite a tramp. Perhaps more of a loose-moraled woman. Somewhere between tramp and hussy.
MIA: Maybe with a disease.
GENEVIEVE: Think Madonna pre-child.
MIA: Without the glitzy music career.
DANIEL: Or a J.Lo music video. Not that I’m complaining.
TODD: Does anyone mind if we have a meeting?
BRADY: So Todd, um, why are you getting divorced. (EVERYONE REACTS LIKE HE’S CRAZY TO ASK) Like you’re all not dying to know . . . Cowards.
TODD: Okay, consider this the official press release! Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of hard work, and sometimes, it just doesn’t last. Trust me, Jack, you should be happy your fiancée dumped you at the altar.
INSTANTLY, EVERY WOMAN ON THE FACULTY LOOKS OVER AT HIM WITH SINCERE PITY IN THEIR EYES. JACK IS RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
TODD (continued): It’s better to have loved and been dumped than to have ever gotten married at all.
JACK: (DRYLY) Thanks, Uncle Todd. I’ll remember that one for my poetry unit.
FADE OUT
SCENE C
INT. JACK’S CLASSROOM – LATER MORNING
JACK’S CLASSROOM IS A REGULAR-SIZED ROOM WITH BARE INSTITUTIONAL YELLOW WALLS. THE DESKS ARE ALL SHOVED INTO ONE CORNER BECAUSE JACK HASN’T YET HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO ANYTHING WITH THEM.
IT’S RIGHT AFTER THE MORNING MEETING, AND JACK, BRADY, AND NIKKI ENTER JACK’S CLASSROOM.
NIKKI: I don’t think we’ve ever had such a fun meeting before. Certainly makes you look at our principal in a different light.
JACK: You can thank Brady for that.
BRADY: Hey, at least I didn’t rat you out. Oh, by the way, Jack, this is—
JACK: (READING HER NAMETAG) Nikki. Hi, I’m Jack.
NIKKI: (SERIOUSLY OFFENDED) It’s pronounced Ni kki’.
BRADY: (ASIDE TO JACK AS IF IT EXPLAINS IT ALL) Drama teacher.
JACK: Oh. (TO NIKKI) Sorry.
NIKKI: Nikki is what you name a dog. Ni kki’ is what you name an artist.
JACK: That’s funny. My name works for both.
BRADY: So, you got dumped at the altar, huh?
NIKKI: Brady, what’s up with you and the rude questions? Obviously, we’re all dying to know what stupid thing he did to louse it up, but you don’t see anyone else rushing out to get the scoop. Really, you may know the ins and outs of the American economic system, but you’re a little stupid in the tact department.
THERE IS AWKWARD SILENCE.
BRADY: So, um, why did she dump you?
NIKKI: At the altar? I mean, I’m not asking, I’m just finishing the question for Brady, that’s all.
JACK: I don’t know.
NIKKI: Oh come on, you don’t know?! Surely you can come up with something better than that?
JACK: No, I really don’t. I walked down the aisle between both my parents. Out came the wedding party and the ring bearer and the flower girl and she just . . . just didn’t.
NIKKI: You cheated on her, didn’t you!
JACK: No! I loved her with everything I had, but she just got cold feet and ran out of the church. I haven’t seen her since.
BRADY: (AFTER A MOMENT OF HEAVY SILENCE) Bummer.
NIKKI: So did she run off with your sexy best man or something? Your best friend? The really hot wedding gown designer who was so cute she was sure he was gay but was thrilled when he wasn’t? Anything romantic like that?
BRADY: Jack, I had no idea you were a character on One Life to Live.
JACK: As far as I know, she didn’t do any of those things . . . thank God.
NIKKI: (WITH A DISAPPOINTED SIGH) And that just goes to show you, life never reflects art.
BRADY: (ONCE AGAIN, ASIDE TO JACK AS IF IT EXPLAINS IT ALL) Drama teacher.
JACK: Oh, still?
BOB ENTERS THE ROOM. HE’S JUST A LITTLE TOO ARTIFICIAL.
BOB: (SMILING) Hey, guys. I hope everything is good. Hi, Jack, I’m Bob. You’ll love teaching here. I know I love my students. I love my administration. I love my sub-par salary. I love the cafeteria food. I love doing detention. I mean—supervising detention. I was never in detention as a kid because I was so good. But like I was saying, I love everything about this school.
BRADY: (AS IF HE’S GONE OVER THIS WITH HIM BEFORE) Bob, would you cut it out? He’s not a spy.
BOB: Who said anything about Jack being a spy, just because he’s the principal’s nephew and his own eternal flesh and blood and confidant. That’s just stupid, Brady. Who would ever think such a stupid thing? Ha ha ha ha ha. (TO BRADY) Fool! I hope you’re the first to go. (TO ALL) I guess I’ll be going. Gotta sharpen all those saws before the students return. It’s a pleasure meeting you, Jack. I’ll see you in the lounge.
BOB DUCKS OUT.
BRADY and NIKKI: Ignore him.
BOB DUCKS BACK IN.
BOB: By the way, Jack, if you’re ever looking for something to do on a Friday night, my daughter Jolene is a great girl.
JACK: Okay . . .
BOB: I live just down the street from Brady, so if you ever just wanna stop by . . .
JACK: Okay.
BOB: I just need a day or two notice so she can shave her armpits.
JACK: Don’t we all.
BOB DUCKS BACK OUT.
JACK (continued): What’s up with that?! One minute I’m a spy; the next minute he wants me to go out with his daughter?
BRADY: The man’s desperate enough to give his own daughter to the enemy. Doesn’t that say enough?
NIKKI: (TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY) Oh, Jolene’s a nice . . . girl.
BRADY: I finally had to go out and buy a fake wedding ring before Bob stopped trying to hook me up with her, and even then, he offered to pay for an annulment.
JACK: I don’t think my uncle would be too happy with me dating someone so closely associated with the school, you know.
NIKKI: Oh, yeah. Now that he’s single, I bet he can’t stand the competition.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE D
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - EVENING
JACK’S LIVING ROOM IS A LITTLE MORE PIECED TOGETHER, THOUGH THERE ARE STILL BOXES ALL AROUND. JACK IS UNPACKING A BOX. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
JACK: It’s open!
NAN ENTERS.
NAN: Hi, Jack. I was just stopping by to see how moving in was going.
JACK: I’m still unpacking.
NAN: Would you like some help?
JACK: If you want. There are five boxes of books that need to go on the shelves there.
NAN WALKS TO THEM.
NAN: (OPENING BOX) Let’s see . . . Nine Coaches Waiting, The Moon-Spinners . . . such pretty covers.
JACK: I packed them all in alphabetical order. You just have to put them on the shelf in that—
NAN: I have a better idea. I did this with all our books, and it looks much prettier.
JACK: I don’t want them pretty—
NAN: I’ll put them in color order. See, these three are all dark blue, so they should go together.
JACK: I want them in alphabetical—
NAN: This teal would look much better with other teal books, don’t you think?
JACK: Do you care what I—
NAN: I don’t like this orange spine . . . Do you really need (READING) The Opposite of Fate?
JACK: Who cares about Amy Tan.
NAN: Oh, look at her picture on the back. She is awfully cute . . .
JACK: Actually, I was just going to take a break. Why don’t we stop now . . . (TAKING A BAG OF COOKIES OFF A BOX AND HEADING TOWARD THE COUCH) Would you like some refreshments?
NAN: No, I’m good.
JACK: Have a seat.
NAN: Thanks.
THERE IS AWKWARD SILENCE AS THEY MUNCH ON COOKIES.
JACK: So . . . Had a good first day at work.
NAN: Good, good. That’s good . . . good. . .
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
JACK: I have nice desks in my classroom.
NAN: That’s always good . . . good . . .
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
JACK: So, anything new with you?
NAN: Not really.
JACK: So . . . How’s the . . . divorce?
NAN: Good. Good. And yours? I mean—um, how was your first day of workshops?
JACK: Like I said, it went well.
NAN: Good. So . . . This place has two bedrooms, huh?
JACK: (GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHERE THIS IS GOING) I’m sorry, what?
NAN: Two bedrooms. It has two bedrooms?
JACK: Well, not if you count the office I’ve wanted for all these years and am finally getting to have.
NAN: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be homeless?
JACK: (TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE’S GETTING AT) Um . . . sure, yeah. I guess I thought about it once, when I was a small child . . . of two.
NAN: I haven’t. (LOSING IT) I’ll let you know what it’s like.
JACK: Now, Auntie Nan. It can’t be that bad.
NAN: You know how they say the woman always gets the house. I get the shed.
JACK: Well, I’m sure—
NAN: Of course, who’d want to be all alone in that big old house anyway? All alone would be terribly dreadful, wouldn’t it?
JACK: I don’t know. I kinda like it.
NAN: But couldn’t you use some help with the mortgage? A first-year teacher’s salary isn’t exactly—
JACK: Actually, I just paid off my car, dropped down to liability on my insurance, paid off my Visa, and I’m doing all right.
NAN: Well, you don’t worry about me, Jack. For a week I’ll visit your cousin Marsha and her family in Ohio, and for another I’ll stay in Joey’s dorm room. And after that . . . under the bridge on Franklin Avenue.
NAN STARTS CRYING INTO HER HANDS, AND JACK IS LEFT LOOKING PAINED.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE E
INT. JACK’S CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
JACK IS HANGING POSTERS IN HIS CLASSROOM WHEN CHERYL ENTERS.
JACK: Oh, hi.
CHERYL: We haven’t been formally introduced. I’m Cheryl.
JACK: Hi. Jack.
CHERYL: Have you had a minute to look over Chad’s “To Do” list before the first day of class?
JACK: Yeah. Tell me, is Chad the head of the English department or the high school militia? (PICKING THE LIST UP OFF HIS DESK) I’m supposed to submit goals to him, curriculum outlines, classroom expectations, lesson plans for the first two weeks for each class, and I think donate my kidney or something.
CHERYL: Yeah, Chad’s a great teacher, but he’s a little too gung ho about being department head.
JACK: I have no idea how I’m going to get everything done. Do you do all this stuff?
CHERYL: Of course I do. Let’s see, my five goals this year were to figure out how to use the computerized grade-book, to grade essays within two months of getting them, to not harm any students, to not harm any parents, and in the event that I do, to not get caught.
JACK: (LAUGHING) Wow. I should‘ve taken notes.
CHERYL: I came by to let you know that if you need to raid any files, feel free to stop by and look through mine.
JACK: Thanks, I just might do that.
BOB ENTERS WITH A POTTED PLANT.
BOB: Hey, there. I brought you a potted plant. Thought it might cheer up your room.
JACK: Hey, thanks. Could you just set it on that desk there?
CHERYL: Nice to see you pawning off a plant this time and not your daughter. I’ll talk to you guys later. Jack, let me know if I can help at all.
CHERYL EXITS, AND BOB SETS THE PLANT ON THE DESK.
BOB: She’s got a great sense of humor, doesn’t she . . . (LAUGHING) pawning off my . . . Anyway, aren’t these workshop days just the funnest?
JACK: Quite.
BOB: Yep, I love my job.
JACK: Good for you.
BRADY ENTERS.
BRADY: Hey, Bob. Say, Jack, could you give me a ride home? I locked my keys in the car.
JACK: Yeah, sure. I was just gonna head home myself.
BOB: Hey, if you feel up to it, why don’t you stop by and meet my daughter? It’s right on the way.
JACK: Ah, well . . .
BRADY: Sorry Bob, but I’m in an awful rush. (MAKING IT UP) I have an appointment . . . to have my body hair waxed off.
BOB: Try electrolysis. Jolene’s had some great success with that.
BRADY: Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
BOB: Well, it’s too bad you can’t stop by. Did I mention my next door neighbor is an ordained minister?
JACK: No, you didn’t.
BOB: And I have a friend who owes me a few favors who’s a judge.
JACK: Hey, I’ll let you know if I ever need a restraining order.
BOB: (NOT GETTING IT) Huh? Well anyway, when you see that super principal uncle of yours next time, tell him I said hey.
JACK: Will do!
BOB: (CONTEMPLATING SOMETHING) Well um . . . Well, I talk to you folks later.
BOB RUSHES OUT.
JACK: Thanks! I owe you one.
BRADY: Nah, that one I owed you for telling Nikki about your uncle’s divorce. Next time, you won’t get off so cheap.
JACK: You thought that was cheap? Let me paraphrase our meeting. (ACTING OUT THE PARTS) “You’re cheating on your wife.” “No, I’m not.” “Well then, why not?” “By the way folks, here’s my nephew Jack, the loser.”
BRADY: Wait ‘til you meet Jolene. You got off cheap.
CUT TO:
SCENE F
INT. JACK’S CAR - AFTERNOON
JACK IS DRIVING BRADY HOME IN HIS COUPE.
BRADY: And if you run out of sick days and just need a day off, it’s good to kill off cousins, uncles, and aunts. You can never have too many of those dying on you.
JACK: (NOT REALLY) That’s good to know.
BRADY: Never, and I mean never, tell anyone a grandparent dies unless it’s true. For my first three years of teaching, dead grandma was my standby. It didn’t take long until the math teachers were figuring out that divorces could give me four grandmas but not five.
JACK: (AWKWARDLY) I’ll keep that in mind.
BRADY: I ended up concocting this great story about being adopted and finding another set of four grandmas, but that’s one you can’t pull off more than once every two decades.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOB’S FRONT YARD - CONTINOUS
BOB’S BACK IS TO THE CAMERA, AND IN FRONT OF HIM IS THE FIGURE OF HIS DAUGHTER JOLENE; SHE’S SCRATCHING HER ARMPITS. SHE CAN ONLY BE SEEN FROM BEHIND, THOUGH SHE IS RATHER MASCULINE WHILE WEARING AN OVERLY FEMININE DRESS. SHE HAS A MASS OF BLACK HAIR.
BOB: Now, trust me on this one, Jolene. When I push you, you run out in that street. He may be a spy, but we can’t be too picky these days, right Sweetie? Okay, that’s his car there—go!
BOB PUSHES JOLENE INTO THE STREET.
INTERCUT BETWEEN JACK’S CAR AND BOB’S FRONT YARD
JACK: Fortunately, I don’t get sick very often. (SEES SOMETHING ON THE ROAD THAT FRIGHTENS HIM) Oh, my retinas!
JACK SLAMS ON THE BRAKES WHILE BRADY COVERS HIS EYES. THE CAR SWERVES OFF THE ROAD AS BOB IS HEARD.
BOB (off camera): Go get ‘im, Jolene!
THERE IS A SOUND OF THE CAR SLAMMING INTO A TREE. EVERYTHING BLURS.
EXT. JACK’S CAR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
THERE IS A CLOSE-UP OF JACK SITTING IN HIS SMASHED-UP CAR. OPEN AND CLOSING HIS EYES, HE STARTS TO GAIN FOCUS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED. THE BACK OF JOLENE’S HEAD CAN BE SEEN AS SHE NEARS THE CAR, BENDING TO HIM. JACK SEES HER FACE AND PASSES OUT.
FADE OUT
SCENE G
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
JACK WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH HIS STEERING WHEEL IN HAND. HIS UNCLE TODD ENTERS BEHIND HIM.
JACK: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Todd.
TODD: It’s the least I can do after you told the entire school I was leaving my wife for a trampy mistress.
NAN WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR.
NAN: Aha—I knew it!
TODD: Would you—
NAN: I knew there was another woman! And a trampy one at that. Listen, Mr. Universe, you may have more hair and less lard than you did a year ago—
TODD: Nancy, there isn’t—
NAN: —but you’re still the same old coot who farts for hours after eating Mexican food and likes to watch Power Rangers.
TODD: Would you listen—
NAN: Furthermore, I could have married Albert Russelman, but I picked you because I thought you were sweet and considerate. Maybe I made the wrong choice. Sure, Albert’s in prison, but at least I’d still be married, you two-timing, cheating, dishonest, slimy butthead.
TODD: (FINALLY GETTING THROUGH) There is no other woman!
JACK: It was a mix-up at school when I accidentally told Brady who told Nikki who told someone else who told someone else who made up the story about Uncle Todd having an affair.
NAN: Oh. (BEAT) Well, you’re still a butthead.
TODD: Listen, I didn’t come here to air our dirty laundry in front of my nephew, hence the entire school. I’ve already had my professionalism compromised, and I don’t care to have it happen again.
JACK: Uncle Todd—
TODD: The fact is, Nan, that you are a wonderful person and the mother of my two wonderful kids . . . but we just don’t have it anymore. There just isn’t anything between us, and it doesn’t feel right anymore. I want out. That’s it. That’s all.
NAN: But that’s not it, not to me. On our wedding day, you promised before a church of witnesses—
TODD: Nan, don’t make it any harder than it already is. Please? Just let me go. (NO RESPONSE) Jack, let me know if you need anything.
TODD LEAVES. THERE IS SILENCE UNTIL NAN RECOVERS.
NAN: Something happened to your car?
TODD: Yeah, I was driving another teacher home and something jumped out—
NAN: Like a deer or something?
TODD: Yeah . . . or something. Long story short, I have a steering wheel.
NAN: Oh Jack, how awful. What was that you were saying yesterday about paying off your car and dropping down to liability insurance . . . ?
JACK: Oh, Auntie, don’t you worry about me. I’ll be fine. Let’s see, I can get rid of my Internet, my call waiting and caller ID, my cell phone, conserve electricity, stop going to movies and plays . . . (GETTING DISHEARTENED) and the grocery store . . .
NAN: (TURNING TO GO) Well, I guess I had better go. I have to find a room I can rent for $600 a month plus utilities.
JACK: (VERY RELUCTANTLY) Hey Auntie, I, um, I have a room open . . . for $600 a month plus utilities.
NAN: Well, Jack, if you don’t want me here—
JACK: No Auntie Nan, really, I can’t think of a better roommate than you.
NAN: You’re just saying that. That’s all right, I’ll just . . . I’ll just burden someone else with my existence.
JACK: Auntie, why wouldn’t I want you as a roommate? You’re smart and you’re fun and you make great quesadillas and you’re funny—
NAN: Yeah, I am, aren’t I? Can I get the big bedroom?
JACK: —and for $200, you can get bathroom privileges—every other day.
NAN: The small bedroom sounds perfect. I’ll run home now and start bringing boxes over. I’ll see you shortly, roomie.
NAN EXITS. JACK IS LEFT ALONE.
JACK: (TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR) Kill me now, and get it over with.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT. THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE - MORNING
THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE IS A BIG ROOM. ON ONE WALL ARE MAIL SLOTS FOR THE TEACHERS. THERE’S ALSO A REFRIGERATOR, SODA MACHINES, A COPY MACHINE, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. OFF TO ONE SIDE IS A TELEPHONE WHICH IS PARTITIONED OFF FOR PRIVACY. CHERYL IS DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE AND LOOKING THROUGH HER MAIL AT THE TABLE WHEN NIKKI ENTERS TO CHECK HER MAIL.
NIKKI: (SEEING A CLIPBOARD ON THE TABLE) What’s this?
CHERYL: It’s a petition from the secretaries in the main office.
NIKKI: (READING IT) It’s a request for the cafeteria to stop serving Mexican food indefinitely.
CHERYL: Yep.
NIKKI: So, it is true!
BRADY ENTERS THE LOUNGE.
BRADY: Hey guys.
NIKKI: Did you sign the petition?
BRADY: About what?
CHERYL: The secretaries in the main office want the cooks to stop serving Mexican.
BRADY: Uh-oh.
JACK WALKS IN.
JACK: Hello.
CHERYL: Jack, what do you think of the petition?
JACK: What petition?
BRADY: Never mind.
NIKKI: The secretaries in the front office—
BRADY: I’ll give you ten bucks if you don’t listen to another word.
CHERYL: They want the cooks to stop serving Mexican food indefinitely.
JACK TURNS AND STARES AT BRADY.
JACK: Way to go, Brady.
BRADY: All I did was tell Daniel!
NIKKI: I heard it from Karen.
CHERYL: I heard it from Bob, Ryan, Terra, Nina, Eric, and Peter. And Tom.
TODD ENTERS THE LOUNGE WITH SOME PAPERS TO PUT IN THE TEACHERS’ MAILBOXES.
TODD: How are things going?
JACK: Well.
BRADY: Great.
TODD: Have you guys tried Pablo’s, that new Tex Mex restaurant—
TODD TURNS AROUND, AND NO ONE IS IN THE ROOM EXCEPT FOR JACK, WHO IS HOLDING THE PETITION IN HIS HANDS.
JACK: (LOOKING AROUND) Wow, what a strange and unrelated coincidence.
TODD: What?
JACK: Nothing. Nothing at all.
TODD: What do you have there?
JACK: (HIDING IT BEHIND HIS BACK) Nothing, just a, um, a petition.
TODD: (SUSPICIOUS) For what?
JACK: Let’s make a deal. You don’t ask me about this petition, and I won’t tell anyone about your affinity for Power Rangers.
TODD: Deal. (STARTS TO HEAD OUT) Good recommendations or not, I’m not so sure hiring a family member at my school was such a good idea.
JACK: I guess only time will tell, beloved Uncle.
TODD: We’ll see.
TODD EXITS. BREATHING A SIGN OF RELIEF, JACK ALSO EXITS. AFTER A SECOND, BRADY STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE PARTITION.
BRADY: (AMAZED) Power Rangers? Who’da thunk?
FADE OUT
END OF EPISODE
My own observation since writing this is that I’m concerned that Jack is too passive. In later episodes, he definitely takes a more proactive role in his life. I’m concerned, though, that he comes off as put-upon or a downer rather than only getting caught up in the drama of people around him.
Since writing this, I also would like to make Bob a stronger character. I think his characterization needs a little boost, and I’d like to make him a stronger male figure (as opposed to another dopey man on television), even though he does want a divorce for unclear and potentially stupid reasons.
I had a lot of fun ideas for other episodes for the first season. I wanted Marissa Jaret Winokur to guest as Jack’s former fiancée and dreamed of Carol Channing guesting as the school’s legendary former drama director. In more teacher-related stuff, I wanted to add some of my own awkward moments—bizarre conferences, the email you accidentally send to a parent instead of to your colleagues, dealing with budget cuts, the school gossip mill. And Nikki’s winter musical was going to be Jane Eyre, by the way. I had an idea for incorporating a musical number from the show.
Also please note that I specifically created two great roles for women over forty. Nan obviously needed to be over-40, but I incorporated Cheryl because—beside the fact that as a teacher you work with and befriend people of all ages—there are so many incredibly talented actress in Los Angeles and New York who can’t get jobs simply because they are over 40, which is the dumbest thing ever. If I ever did make it in Hollywood, it was going to be my goal to open up roles for all ethnicities, women with curves, and women over 40.
Well, if you got this far, thank you for reading! I do hope it was a pleasant diversion, maybe provided a few laughs. If anyone has any additional observations (good or bad) based upon your experience or learning or whatever, I’d love to hear it in case I do get a chance to do something with it (please be brutally honest, though). Please be aware that, hopefully obviously, if I ever ended up doing anything with this, your thoughts would be much appreciated but financially unremunerated.
My email is broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
the Broadway Mouth
September 10, 2007
So, for the fun of it, I’m posting the pilot episode of the sitcom I created three years ago. After all my rambling (albeit very interesting rambling, I’m sure), maybe someone out there would like to see what I’ve done. Maybe not. It’s your choice.
This originally began as something I created to submit to Situation: Comedy, the reality show Sean Hayes and Todd Milliner produced to foster new talent in television writing. I submitted a very early version of the script, which I have since greatly revised and polished after going through a period of studying the genre.
Honestly, no one but the United States copyright office has seen this script, with the exception of two trusted friends and a stuntman. I spent five weeks in Los Angeles back in 2005, and I traveled there with five total scripts—two spec scripts for existing shows (done for the sole reason of showcasing my abilities) and three original scripts, one for a pilot of an original 30-minute three-camera comedy (the one below), a second episode of that comedy, and the other a drama based on an unpublished novel of mine.
This sitcom has a special place in my heart because I had planned out the first season and the overall arcs of the characters. I got emotionally attached to something that never had a chance, like an artistic miscarriage. It was a love letter to the people I taught with my first two years as well as my cathartic caricature of some people and experiences in my life (mixed with a heaping helping of fiction), so in many ways, it was very personal, perhaps in the way Everybody Loves Raymond was for producer Phil Rosenthal.
And no one’s ever seen it. So, since I’m always referring to writing on my blog, I thought I’d take a divergence to post it so someone might find some joy in it. The worst aspect of being a writer, besides the lack of caloric exertion from sitting in a chair and typing, is that nobody ever sees what you do. It’s the same for actors too. You have to beg and plead and coerce just to get your work read, and then, when you find that one person out of two hundred, it really winds up on a pile on a desk before falling into the trashcan to make room for someone’s Caribou (coffee, that is, not the animal, though in Hollywood you never know).
If you are interested in reading it, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, my show is indeed copyrighted 2005 by me. Secondly, to make the best use of space (and taking into account how people are used to reading scripts for pleasure as well as the limits on Blogger), I have altered the formatting to reflect that of a published play. And, so you don’t get confused, the abbreviations INT and EXT are interior and exterior.
Please also note that there’s a teaser, two acts, and a tag.
To help you visualize some characterizations (which is the biggest challenge in reading something like this), I’ll give you some insights into the characters. I had seen Nan being played by someone like Judith Light or Jackée Harry. Both are very different actresses, but they both have a deft comedic touch. I think Judith Light would have made the character classy, and Jackée Harry would have made her irresistibly cute.
I never had an actor in mind for Jack, but for the sake of reading, think of a Thomas Gibson type. I’m thinking specifically of his character’s awkward moments on Dharma and Greg, where he is caught trying to justify Dharma in odd situations. Jack has to be a plain-looking character, so Gibson never would have worked, but you get the idea.
I wrote the character Brady specifically for an obscure actor from my youth. Marc Worden was one of the cast members on The Mickey Mouse Club from the 80s and 90s. When I wrote the character, I kept in mind Worden’s laid back voice quality and comedic timing. Actually, even though he’s not plain-looking, Worden could also have been a good candidate for Jack as well. We may never know.
I didn’t have anyone nameable in mind in writing Bob, Nikki, or Cheryl, though I had always hoped to pull people from the Broadway ranks for as many parts as possible.
Some descriptions of the main characters:
Jack Carter—Jack is in his early 30s with average looks. He’s the quintessential single man of his age. He has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which is how he sees the world. He’s a fairly sane and normal fellow, surrounded by people he loves but who tend to somehow get him caught up in their insanity.
Nan Carter—Nan is an attractive, professional-looking woman in her mid-50s, very intelligent and witty. As a result of recent life circumstances, she can have three or four emotions within a five minute period—cheerful and up-beat one moment, miserable and manipulative the next. As you read her lines, you need to keep those mood swings in mind.
Todd Carter—Todd is an intelligent and dedicated high school principal highly respected by his employees. He’s in the midst of a late mid-life crisis, though, which means he acts irrationally.
Brady—Brady is in his mid-20s, seemingly laid back, though a very good teacher and beloved by his students.
Nikki—Pronounced with the stress on the second syllable, Nikki is an attractive woman in her mid-20s. She seems flighty, but she’s actually extremely intelligent, mainly lacking a filter. She also takes herself a little too seriously.
Cheryl—Cheryl is in her late 50s. She’s counting her days down until she can retire. She’s a great teacher, but she’s also been a little worn down by life in and outside the classroom. The result is she’s very sarcastic and pessimistic.
Kill Me Now
“We’ve Only Just Begun”
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
IT IS THE INSIDE OF JACK’S CONDO. JACK HAS RECENTLY MOVED IN, SO THERE ARE BOXES STACKED EVERYWHERE, NOTHING IS ON THE WALL, ETC.
ON THE LEFT SIDE IS A DOOR ENTERING THE CONDO. THE DOOR LEADS INTO A SPACIOUS LIVING ROOM WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND COLORED WALLS. IN THE BACK IS THE KITCHEN, WHICH HAS A DINING AREA ADJACENT TO IT. OFF TO THE RIGHT IS THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE BEDROOMS.
JACK IS QUICKLY UNPACKING THINGS. AS HE OPENS ONE BOX, HIS FACE SHOWS HIS SURPRISE AT WHAT’S INSIDE. JACK’S AUNT NAN ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES IN HER HANDS. SHE’S A LITTLE OVERLY CHEERFUL.
NAN: Happy moving in.
JACK: Hey, Auntie. I’m not ready for visitors yet.
NAN: I’m not a visitor; I’m family . . . for now.
JACK: Nan, what . . . what’s wrong—
NAN: Nothing. I don’t want to depress you with the details of how your uncle doesn’t want me anymore after twenty-eight years of marriage and two children and the downward gravitational shift of my entire body. (FLASHES A FAKE SMILE) So let’s forget about all that. I brought some yummies, and I thought I’d make you some of my famous quesadillas to welcome you as your beloved aunt, perhaps for the last time.
JACK: Auntie Nan, what on earth happened?
NAN: Oh, it’s nothing, really. Nothing a divorce can’t cure. Maybe I’ll move to a third world country and teach hygiene.
JACK: I didn’t know there was anything wrong between you and Uncle Todd.
NAN: Oh, the warning signs have been there since last year when he started going to the gym. (LOSING IT) But I just noticed them all this morning. But I don’t want to bother you with the details. After all, I’m only your aunt through marriage, and in a few weeks, I won’t be married anymore. Really, I’ll be fine. (SWITCHING INSTANTLY; ANGRILY) I’ll be fine once I chop him into pieces and bury him in my garden! Anyway, enough about me. How’s the moving in going?
JACK: It’s going fine . . . a little busy with me starting my new job tomorrow and everything.
NAN: And that’s why I’m going to make you some quesadillas.
JACK: That’s all right, Auntie. I mean, I don’t really have the space or the—
NAN: (BEGINS CRYING) That’s all right. I understand. Your uncle doesn’t want my quesadillas anymore; I can’t imagine you would either. Perhaps they’d let me make ‘em at the homeless shelter.
JACK: Well, I—
NAN: And all because he lost twenty pounds and got a hair transplant. I liked all that hair better when it was on his back. At least then he didn’t think about trading me in like an old Buick! Thank God he’s got such good investments. That’s more for me to take from him!
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
JACK: (GETTING UP TO GET THE DOOR) Now, Auntie, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.
JACK OPENS THE DOOR, AND IT’S HIS UNCLE TODD, WHO STARTS TALKING THE SECOND THE DOOR OPENS. TODD ENTERS WITHOUT INVITE, NOT NOTICING HIS WIFE.
TODD: It’s official. Your aunt is a raving fruitcake. Give her a rabies shot before she passes it on. (TURNS, SEES NAN; WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) Hello, dear.
CUT OUT
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
TODD AND NAN ARE NOW READY TO FACE OFF, JACK STUCK BETWEEN THEM WITH A RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE GRIMACE ON HIS FACE.
NAN: So, I’m a fruitcake, huh?
TODD: I meant that in a good way.
NAN: Anything else you want to tell me that you left out of your email?
JACK: Email?
NAN: Oh, I forgot that part. I open my email this morning; “Dear Nan, I can’t bring myself to tell you in person, but I feel the need to move on. I’ve enjoyed being married to you, and I wish you well in the future.”
TODD: It’s one of those things that sounded like a good plan at the time . . .
NAN: Yeah, right up there with cutting down the rainforest and making Jaws 4.
TODD: Tell me about it. I sent it five days ago, and I didn’t know when she’d get it.
NAN: I’ve been estranged from my husband for five days and never even knew it.
TODD: Of course, when she tried suffocating me with a doily, that was a sure sign.
NAN” And it would have worked, if those stupid holes hadn’t gotten in the way! (TO JACK) I’ll give you half the inheritance if you have a satin pillow handy right now.
JACK: This is all very entertaining in a Jerry Springer kind-of-way and all, but I’ve just moved in, and tomorrow, I start a new job . . .
NAN: You’re right. I should instead be consoling you. You have to work with him (POINTING TO TODD) everyday. Last a year, and you might get sainthood.
TODD: That’s what the pope told me the day I married you. And, for your information, there are a lot of people who like working with me everyday.
NAN: Oh? I didn’t realize you employed Lizzie Borden and Charles Manson.
TODD: I think it’s time I leave.
NAN: Why are you telling him that? Wouldn’t you prefer to email it?
TODD: Jack, I’ll see you tomorrow.
TODD STORMS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
JACK: See . . . things aren’t that bad. Maybe you should just let things settle, and, you know, talk through your problems.
NAN: You’re just saying that because you want me to leave.
JACK: No, I—
NAN: See, nobody wants me. Maybe I’ll volunteer at the zoo. I’m sure they need someone to feed to the bears.
JACK: That’s not what I—
NAN: But anyway, enough of all this depressing talk. I’m going to go home, lock him out of the bedroom, and get a nice, long night’s sleep so I have energy to figure out how I’m going to screw him over in the morning. (LOVINGLY) Besides, I’ve kept you long enough.
JACK: Well, I do start my job tomorrow . . .
NAN: Yes, and have a great first day at school. And don’t worry. Even if your uncle is anxious about working with family, I think you’ll do great.
JACK: He’s what?
NAN: Oh, you know him and his obsession over his work. He’s so worried about you making him look bad. But don’t you worry. Just because you’re a new teacher, I don’t think he’d fire you without a good cause even though he could. Don’t worry a bit. Anyway, nephew dear, don’t think two extra thoughts about me tonight.
NAN STARTS TO LEAVE.
JACK: I’m sure everything will be—
NAN: Yes, Jack, I’ll be fine.
JACK: Just don’t do anything rash.
NAN: Oh, I won’t. (OPENS THE DOOR, THEN TURNS BACK) Say, did Lorena Bobbitt’s insanity defense work?
JACK: Um, I don’t know.
NAN: (SHE THINKS A MOMENT) Well, thank God for Google!
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE B
INT. WHITE OAK HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - MORNING
IT IS THE CAFETERIA OF WHITE OAK HIGH SCHOOL, AND ALL THE CHAIRS ARE SET UP AUDITORIUM-STYLE. THERE IS A PODIUM AT THE FRONT FOR A SPEAKER TO STAND. PEOPLE ARE MINGLING ABOUT OVER A TABLE OF DOUGHNUTS, BAGELS, AND WARM JUICE. JACK ENTERS NERVOUSLY, CARRYING A SHOULDER BAG. TODD GREETS HIM WHEN HE ENTERS.
TODD: Jack, welcome to the first day of workshops.
JACK: Thanks.
TODD: Now, listen, about yesterday . . . (PAUSE, THEN SERIOUSLY) Just because your aunt and I are getting a divorce doesn’t mean that we don’t love you. We still care—
JACK: Why are you telling me this?
TODD: Did you like it? I wanted to try it out on you before telling it to my kids. I can’t decide if I should try it with tears or not.
JACK: You might want to try it with sincerity. That oughtta work.
TODD: Really?
BRADY APPROACHES THEM.
BRADY: Hey Todd, is this the man?
TODD: Oh yeah, yeah. Jack this is your mentor, Brady, hand-picked by me. The parents love ‘im. (TO BRADY) Now you get my nephew off to a good start, okay?
BRADY: You bet. Anything for you, Todd.
TODD GOES TO GREET OTHERS.
BRADY (continued): Just remember, do I as I say and not as I do, and you’ll be just fine.
JACK: (CONFUSED) Thanks.
BRADY: My first piece of advice for you is to set a goal for the year. This year, my goal is to keep a grade-book. If I use it for the whole year, I’m gonna buy myself a car. See, if you can give yourself a tangible reward, it acts as motivation. Of course, chances are I’m gonna get the car either way, but we all need unreachable goals, right? (SEES A STRANGE LOOK ON JACK’S FACE) Hey, everything all right? You look a little hungover.
JACK: Sorry, I’m just a little shocked about my uncle’s divorce and—
BRADY: His what?
JACK: Oh, shoot! There I go already. Listen Brady, don’t tell anybody what I said. You can’t tell a soul.
BRADY: Hey, man, sure. I give you my word as a future Social Studies Teacher of the Year Award Winner.
TODD IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM IN THE FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA.
TODD: Excuse me . . . Excuse me, if you could all take your seats.
BRADY: Hey, let’s go sit over here next to Nikki.
WHEN THEY SIT DOWN, NIKKI GIVES BRADY A FRIENDLY SMILE.
NIKKI: Hey Brady, what’s up?
BRADY: Do I got something you’ll never believe. But you can’t tell anyone, got it?
NIKKI NODS, AND BRADY SAYS SOMETHING TO HER THAT CAN’T BE HEARD, AND SHE REACTS WITH WIDE EYES, HER HAND HELD IN SHOCK TO HER MOUTH. IMMEDIATELY, SHE TURNS TO SOMEONE ELSE. WHILE TODD IS TALKING, THE MESSAGE IS RAPIDLY BEING PASSED AROUND.
TODD: Good morning, everyone. Thank you all for being here on this early August morning. I hope you’ve all had an opportunity to get some breakfast. Before we begin anything, I’d like to take a moment and introduce all of the new teachers who will be joining us this year, and this year—
AS TODD SPEAKS, A HAND SHOOTS UP.
TODD (continued): Yes, Betsy. Do you have a question?
BETSY, A QUIET, UNASSUMING YOUNG TEACHER WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE’S JUST BARELY GRADUATED FROM HOME SCHOOLING, STANDS UP MEEKLY.
BETSY: As the high school union representative of the White Oak Education Association and on behalf of all fifty-eight teachers in the high school, I’d like to offer my condolences on the dissolution of your marriage.
AT THE WORD OF THIS, THE REMAINING TEACHERS WHO HADN’T ALREADY HEARD LET OUT A GASP OF PITY, STARING AT HIM.
BETSY (continuedd): We hope you and the young tramp you’ve traded your ex-wife for will be truly happy.
TODD: (SENSITIVE OF THE ACCUSATION) There is no other woman!
BOB, AN OLDER MALE TEACHER, SHOOTS HIS HAND UP.
TODD (continued): And no, Bob, I’m not interested in marrying your daughter, even if she did finally wax off her Groucho Marx.
NODDING AND SADLY UNDERSTANDING, BOB LOWERS HIS HAND.
TODD (continued): Now, I insist on knowing how this got out. We haven’t even called to tell our kids.
TODD LOOKS DIRECTLY AT BETSY. AFTER BETSY SPEAKS, THERE IS A PROGRESSION OF TEACHERS SEATED IN A LINE.
BETSY: Well, Marie told me.
MARIE: Daniel told me.
DANIEL: But you weren’t supposed to tell anyone! Melissa told me.
MELISSA: I heard it from Genevieve.
GENEVIEVE: I was sworn to secrecy, but I knew I could trust Melissa . . . even though Barry told me not to tell.
BARRY: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate Shawn. (REALIZING HIS MISTAKE) Oh!
SHAWN: Well, Mia told me, and she told me not to tell anyone, but I thought Barry was trustworthy.
MIA: I guess you can’t trust anyone these days! . . . (SHEEPISHLY) Right, Cheryl?
CHERYL: At least not Nikki.
NIKKI: Brady.
SITTING BESIDE BRADY IS JACK, WHO IS LOOKING SHEEPISH.
BRADY: I will not name names. My lips are sealed.
WITH THIS, EVERY EYE TURNS TO JACK, WHO IS AT THE END OF THE LINE.
TODD: (ACCUSING IN TONE) Did everyone get a chance to meet my nephew, Jack?
SHEEPISHLY, JACK WAVES.
TODD (continued): As long as the cat is out of the bag, I might as well set it free. And how did I wind up with a trampy mistress?
NIKKI: Don’t you know?
BRADY: Were you a little liquored up there, Todd?
TODD: There is no other woman!
HE LOOKS OVER AT JACK.
JACK: Hey, I didn’t say that.
MARIE, ONE OF THE TEACHERS FROM THE GOSSIP LINE, WHO IS A LITTLE OLD FACS TEACHER, RISES.
MARIE: I’m sorry, it was I who said that. See, Betsy asked me why, and I . . . Well, you see . . . I mean, she . . . (EXASPERATED) Oh poop. She asked me why. I’ve been a teacher for thirty years. When I don’t know the answer to a question, I guess I’m just used to making it up. But I never said she was a tramp.
TODD: (EXASPERATED) Well, thank you, Marie.
MARIE: I called her a skank.
CHERYL: What’s a skank?
THE MEETING BREAKS INTO A SIDE DISCUSSION AS PEOPLE TRY TO ANSWER CHERYL’S QUESTION.
BETSY: A tramp.
DANIEL: Well, not quite a tramp. Perhaps more of a loose-moraled woman. Somewhere between tramp and hussy.
MIA: Maybe with a disease.
GENEVIEVE: Think Madonna pre-child.
MIA: Without the glitzy music career.
DANIEL: Or a J.Lo music video. Not that I’m complaining.
TODD: Does anyone mind if we have a meeting?
BRADY: So Todd, um, why are you getting divorced. (EVERYONE REACTS LIKE HE’S CRAZY TO ASK) Like you’re all not dying to know . . . Cowards.
TODD: Okay, consider this the official press release! Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of hard work, and sometimes, it just doesn’t last. Trust me, Jack, you should be happy your fiancée dumped you at the altar.
INSTANTLY, EVERY WOMAN ON THE FACULTY LOOKS OVER AT HIM WITH SINCERE PITY IN THEIR EYES. JACK IS RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
TODD (continued): It’s better to have loved and been dumped than to have ever gotten married at all.
JACK: (DRYLY) Thanks, Uncle Todd. I’ll remember that one for my poetry unit.
FADE OUT
SCENE C
INT. JACK’S CLASSROOM – LATER MORNING
JACK’S CLASSROOM IS A REGULAR-SIZED ROOM WITH BARE INSTITUTIONAL YELLOW WALLS. THE DESKS ARE ALL SHOVED INTO ONE CORNER BECAUSE JACK HASN’T YET HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO ANYTHING WITH THEM.
IT’S RIGHT AFTER THE MORNING MEETING, AND JACK, BRADY, AND NIKKI ENTER JACK’S CLASSROOM.
NIKKI: I don’t think we’ve ever had such a fun meeting before. Certainly makes you look at our principal in a different light.
JACK: You can thank Brady for that.
BRADY: Hey, at least I didn’t rat you out. Oh, by the way, Jack, this is—
JACK: (READING HER NAMETAG) Nikki. Hi, I’m Jack.
NIKKI: (SERIOUSLY OFFENDED) It’s pronounced Ni kki’.
BRADY: (ASIDE TO JACK AS IF IT EXPLAINS IT ALL) Drama teacher.
JACK: Oh. (TO NIKKI) Sorry.
NIKKI: Nikki is what you name a dog. Ni kki’ is what you name an artist.
JACK: That’s funny. My name works for both.
BRADY: So, you got dumped at the altar, huh?
NIKKI: Brady, what’s up with you and the rude questions? Obviously, we’re all dying to know what stupid thing he did to louse it up, but you don’t see anyone else rushing out to get the scoop. Really, you may know the ins and outs of the American economic system, but you’re a little stupid in the tact department.
THERE IS AWKWARD SILENCE.
BRADY: So, um, why did she dump you?
NIKKI: At the altar? I mean, I’m not asking, I’m just finishing the question for Brady, that’s all.
JACK: I don’t know.
NIKKI: Oh come on, you don’t know?! Surely you can come up with something better than that?
JACK: No, I really don’t. I walked down the aisle between both my parents. Out came the wedding party and the ring bearer and the flower girl and she just . . . just didn’t.
NIKKI: You cheated on her, didn’t you!
JACK: No! I loved her with everything I had, but she just got cold feet and ran out of the church. I haven’t seen her since.
BRADY: (AFTER A MOMENT OF HEAVY SILENCE) Bummer.
NIKKI: So did she run off with your sexy best man or something? Your best friend? The really hot wedding gown designer who was so cute she was sure he was gay but was thrilled when he wasn’t? Anything romantic like that?
BRADY: Jack, I had no idea you were a character on One Life to Live.
JACK: As far as I know, she didn’t do any of those things . . . thank God.
NIKKI: (WITH A DISAPPOINTED SIGH) And that just goes to show you, life never reflects art.
BRADY: (ONCE AGAIN, ASIDE TO JACK AS IF IT EXPLAINS IT ALL) Drama teacher.
JACK: Oh, still?
BOB ENTERS THE ROOM. HE’S JUST A LITTLE TOO ARTIFICIAL.
BOB: (SMILING) Hey, guys. I hope everything is good. Hi, Jack, I’m Bob. You’ll love teaching here. I know I love my students. I love my administration. I love my sub-par salary. I love the cafeteria food. I love doing detention. I mean—supervising detention. I was never in detention as a kid because I was so good. But like I was saying, I love everything about this school.
BRADY: (AS IF HE’S GONE OVER THIS WITH HIM BEFORE) Bob, would you cut it out? He’s not a spy.
BOB: Who said anything about Jack being a spy, just because he’s the principal’s nephew and his own eternal flesh and blood and confidant. That’s just stupid, Brady. Who would ever think such a stupid thing? Ha ha ha ha ha. (TO BRADY) Fool! I hope you’re the first to go. (TO ALL) I guess I’ll be going. Gotta sharpen all those saws before the students return. It’s a pleasure meeting you, Jack. I’ll see you in the lounge.
BOB DUCKS OUT.
BRADY and NIKKI: Ignore him.
BOB DUCKS BACK IN.
BOB: By the way, Jack, if you’re ever looking for something to do on a Friday night, my daughter Jolene is a great girl.
JACK: Okay . . .
BOB: I live just down the street from Brady, so if you ever just wanna stop by . . .
JACK: Okay.
BOB: I just need a day or two notice so she can shave her armpits.
JACK: Don’t we all.
BOB DUCKS BACK OUT.
JACK (continued): What’s up with that?! One minute I’m a spy; the next minute he wants me to go out with his daughter?
BRADY: The man’s desperate enough to give his own daughter to the enemy. Doesn’t that say enough?
NIKKI: (TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY) Oh, Jolene’s a nice . . . girl.
BRADY: I finally had to go out and buy a fake wedding ring before Bob stopped trying to hook me up with her, and even then, he offered to pay for an annulment.
JACK: I don’t think my uncle would be too happy with me dating someone so closely associated with the school, you know.
NIKKI: Oh, yeah. Now that he’s single, I bet he can’t stand the competition.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE D
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - EVENING
JACK’S LIVING ROOM IS A LITTLE MORE PIECED TOGETHER, THOUGH THERE ARE STILL BOXES ALL AROUND. JACK IS UNPACKING A BOX. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
JACK: It’s open!
NAN ENTERS.
NAN: Hi, Jack. I was just stopping by to see how moving in was going.
JACK: I’m still unpacking.
NAN: Would you like some help?
JACK: If you want. There are five boxes of books that need to go on the shelves there.
NAN WALKS TO THEM.
NAN: (OPENING BOX) Let’s see . . . Nine Coaches Waiting, The Moon-Spinners . . . such pretty covers.
JACK: I packed them all in alphabetical order. You just have to put them on the shelf in that—
NAN: I have a better idea. I did this with all our books, and it looks much prettier.
JACK: I don’t want them pretty—
NAN: I’ll put them in color order. See, these three are all dark blue, so they should go together.
JACK: I want them in alphabetical—
NAN: This teal would look much better with other teal books, don’t you think?
JACK: Do you care what I—
NAN: I don’t like this orange spine . . . Do you really need (READING) The Opposite of Fate?
JACK: Who cares about Amy Tan.
NAN: Oh, look at her picture on the back. She is awfully cute . . .
JACK: Actually, I was just going to take a break. Why don’t we stop now . . . (TAKING A BAG OF COOKIES OFF A BOX AND HEADING TOWARD THE COUCH) Would you like some refreshments?
NAN: No, I’m good.
JACK: Have a seat.
NAN: Thanks.
THERE IS AWKWARD SILENCE AS THEY MUNCH ON COOKIES.
JACK: So . . . Had a good first day at work.
NAN: Good, good. That’s good . . . good. . .
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
JACK: I have nice desks in my classroom.
NAN: That’s always good . . . good . . .
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
JACK: So, anything new with you?
NAN: Not really.
JACK: So . . . How’s the . . . divorce?
NAN: Good. Good. And yours? I mean—um, how was your first day of workshops?
JACK: Like I said, it went well.
NAN: Good. So . . . This place has two bedrooms, huh?
JACK: (GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHERE THIS IS GOING) I’m sorry, what?
NAN: Two bedrooms. It has two bedrooms?
JACK: Well, not if you count the office I’ve wanted for all these years and am finally getting to have.
NAN: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be homeless?
JACK: (TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE’S GETTING AT) Um . . . sure, yeah. I guess I thought about it once, when I was a small child . . . of two.
NAN: I haven’t. (LOSING IT) I’ll let you know what it’s like.
JACK: Now, Auntie Nan. It can’t be that bad.
NAN: You know how they say the woman always gets the house. I get the shed.
JACK: Well, I’m sure—
NAN: Of course, who’d want to be all alone in that big old house anyway? All alone would be terribly dreadful, wouldn’t it?
JACK: I don’t know. I kinda like it.
NAN: But couldn’t you use some help with the mortgage? A first-year teacher’s salary isn’t exactly—
JACK: Actually, I just paid off my car, dropped down to liability on my insurance, paid off my Visa, and I’m doing all right.
NAN: Well, you don’t worry about me, Jack. For a week I’ll visit your cousin Marsha and her family in Ohio, and for another I’ll stay in Joey’s dorm room. And after that . . . under the bridge on Franklin Avenue.
NAN STARTS CRYING INTO HER HANDS, AND JACK IS LEFT LOOKING PAINED.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE E
INT. JACK’S CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
JACK IS HANGING POSTERS IN HIS CLASSROOM WHEN CHERYL ENTERS.
JACK: Oh, hi.
CHERYL: We haven’t been formally introduced. I’m Cheryl.
JACK: Hi. Jack.
CHERYL: Have you had a minute to look over Chad’s “To Do” list before the first day of class?
JACK: Yeah. Tell me, is Chad the head of the English department or the high school militia? (PICKING THE LIST UP OFF HIS DESK) I’m supposed to submit goals to him, curriculum outlines, classroom expectations, lesson plans for the first two weeks for each class, and I think donate my kidney or something.
CHERYL: Yeah, Chad’s a great teacher, but he’s a little too gung ho about being department head.
JACK: I have no idea how I’m going to get everything done. Do you do all this stuff?
CHERYL: Of course I do. Let’s see, my five goals this year were to figure out how to use the computerized grade-book, to grade essays within two months of getting them, to not harm any students, to not harm any parents, and in the event that I do, to not get caught.
JACK: (LAUGHING) Wow. I should‘ve taken notes.
CHERYL: I came by to let you know that if you need to raid any files, feel free to stop by and look through mine.
JACK: Thanks, I just might do that.
BOB ENTERS WITH A POTTED PLANT.
BOB: Hey, there. I brought you a potted plant. Thought it might cheer up your room.
JACK: Hey, thanks. Could you just set it on that desk there?
CHERYL: Nice to see you pawning off a plant this time and not your daughter. I’ll talk to you guys later. Jack, let me know if I can help at all.
CHERYL EXITS, AND BOB SETS THE PLANT ON THE DESK.
BOB: She’s got a great sense of humor, doesn’t she . . . (LAUGHING) pawning off my . . . Anyway, aren’t these workshop days just the funnest?
JACK: Quite.
BOB: Yep, I love my job.
JACK: Good for you.
BRADY ENTERS.
BRADY: Hey, Bob. Say, Jack, could you give me a ride home? I locked my keys in the car.
JACK: Yeah, sure. I was just gonna head home myself.
BOB: Hey, if you feel up to it, why don’t you stop by and meet my daughter? It’s right on the way.
JACK: Ah, well . . .
BRADY: Sorry Bob, but I’m in an awful rush. (MAKING IT UP) I have an appointment . . . to have my body hair waxed off.
BOB: Try electrolysis. Jolene’s had some great success with that.
BRADY: Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
BOB: Well, it’s too bad you can’t stop by. Did I mention my next door neighbor is an ordained minister?
JACK: No, you didn’t.
BOB: And I have a friend who owes me a few favors who’s a judge.
JACK: Hey, I’ll let you know if I ever need a restraining order.
BOB: (NOT GETTING IT) Huh? Well anyway, when you see that super principal uncle of yours next time, tell him I said hey.
JACK: Will do!
BOB: (CONTEMPLATING SOMETHING) Well um . . . Well, I talk to you folks later.
BOB RUSHES OUT.
JACK: Thanks! I owe you one.
BRADY: Nah, that one I owed you for telling Nikki about your uncle’s divorce. Next time, you won’t get off so cheap.
JACK: You thought that was cheap? Let me paraphrase our meeting. (ACTING OUT THE PARTS) “You’re cheating on your wife.” “No, I’m not.” “Well then, why not?” “By the way folks, here’s my nephew Jack, the loser.”
BRADY: Wait ‘til you meet Jolene. You got off cheap.
CUT TO:
SCENE F
INT. JACK’S CAR - AFTERNOON
JACK IS DRIVING BRADY HOME IN HIS COUPE.
BRADY: And if you run out of sick days and just need a day off, it’s good to kill off cousins, uncles, and aunts. You can never have too many of those dying on you.
JACK: (NOT REALLY) That’s good to know.
BRADY: Never, and I mean never, tell anyone a grandparent dies unless it’s true. For my first three years of teaching, dead grandma was my standby. It didn’t take long until the math teachers were figuring out that divorces could give me four grandmas but not five.
JACK: (AWKWARDLY) I’ll keep that in mind.
BRADY: I ended up concocting this great story about being adopted and finding another set of four grandmas, but that’s one you can’t pull off more than once every two decades.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOB’S FRONT YARD - CONTINOUS
BOB’S BACK IS TO THE CAMERA, AND IN FRONT OF HIM IS THE FIGURE OF HIS DAUGHTER JOLENE; SHE’S SCRATCHING HER ARMPITS. SHE CAN ONLY BE SEEN FROM BEHIND, THOUGH SHE IS RATHER MASCULINE WHILE WEARING AN OVERLY FEMININE DRESS. SHE HAS A MASS OF BLACK HAIR.
BOB: Now, trust me on this one, Jolene. When I push you, you run out in that street. He may be a spy, but we can’t be too picky these days, right Sweetie? Okay, that’s his car there—go!
BOB PUSHES JOLENE INTO THE STREET.
INTERCUT BETWEEN JACK’S CAR AND BOB’S FRONT YARD
JACK: Fortunately, I don’t get sick very often. (SEES SOMETHING ON THE ROAD THAT FRIGHTENS HIM) Oh, my retinas!
JACK SLAMS ON THE BRAKES WHILE BRADY COVERS HIS EYES. THE CAR SWERVES OFF THE ROAD AS BOB IS HEARD.
BOB (off camera): Go get ‘im, Jolene!
THERE IS A SOUND OF THE CAR SLAMMING INTO A TREE. EVERYTHING BLURS.
EXT. JACK’S CAR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
THERE IS A CLOSE-UP OF JACK SITTING IN HIS SMASHED-UP CAR. OPEN AND CLOSING HIS EYES, HE STARTS TO GAIN FOCUS OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED. THE BACK OF JOLENE’S HEAD CAN BE SEEN AS SHE NEARS THE CAR, BENDING TO HIM. JACK SEES HER FACE AND PASSES OUT.
FADE OUT
SCENE G
INT. JACK’S CONDO, THE LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
JACK WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH HIS STEERING WHEEL IN HAND. HIS UNCLE TODD ENTERS BEHIND HIM.
JACK: Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Todd.
TODD: It’s the least I can do after you told the entire school I was leaving my wife for a trampy mistress.
NAN WALKS IN THE FRONT DOOR.
NAN: Aha—I knew it!
TODD: Would you—
NAN: I knew there was another woman! And a trampy one at that. Listen, Mr. Universe, you may have more hair and less lard than you did a year ago—
TODD: Nancy, there isn’t—
NAN: —but you’re still the same old coot who farts for hours after eating Mexican food and likes to watch Power Rangers.
TODD: Would you listen—
NAN: Furthermore, I could have married Albert Russelman, but I picked you because I thought you were sweet and considerate. Maybe I made the wrong choice. Sure, Albert’s in prison, but at least I’d still be married, you two-timing, cheating, dishonest, slimy butthead.
TODD: (FINALLY GETTING THROUGH) There is no other woman!
JACK: It was a mix-up at school when I accidentally told Brady who told Nikki who told someone else who told someone else who made up the story about Uncle Todd having an affair.
NAN: Oh. (BEAT) Well, you’re still a butthead.
TODD: Listen, I didn’t come here to air our dirty laundry in front of my nephew, hence the entire school. I’ve already had my professionalism compromised, and I don’t care to have it happen again.
JACK: Uncle Todd—
TODD: The fact is, Nan, that you are a wonderful person and the mother of my two wonderful kids . . . but we just don’t have it anymore. There just isn’t anything between us, and it doesn’t feel right anymore. I want out. That’s it. That’s all.
NAN: But that’s not it, not to me. On our wedding day, you promised before a church of witnesses—
TODD: Nan, don’t make it any harder than it already is. Please? Just let me go. (NO RESPONSE) Jack, let me know if you need anything.
TODD LEAVES. THERE IS SILENCE UNTIL NAN RECOVERS.
NAN: Something happened to your car?
TODD: Yeah, I was driving another teacher home and something jumped out—
NAN: Like a deer or something?
TODD: Yeah . . . or something. Long story short, I have a steering wheel.
NAN: Oh Jack, how awful. What was that you were saying yesterday about paying off your car and dropping down to liability insurance . . . ?
JACK: Oh, Auntie, don’t you worry about me. I’ll be fine. Let’s see, I can get rid of my Internet, my call waiting and caller ID, my cell phone, conserve electricity, stop going to movies and plays . . . (GETTING DISHEARTENED) and the grocery store . . .
NAN: (TURNING TO GO) Well, I guess I had better go. I have to find a room I can rent for $600 a month plus utilities.
JACK: (VERY RELUCTANTLY) Hey Auntie, I, um, I have a room open . . . for $600 a month plus utilities.
NAN: Well, Jack, if you don’t want me here—
JACK: No Auntie Nan, really, I can’t think of a better roommate than you.
NAN: You’re just saying that. That’s all right, I’ll just . . . I’ll just burden someone else with my existence.
JACK: Auntie, why wouldn’t I want you as a roommate? You’re smart and you’re fun and you make great quesadillas and you’re funny—
NAN: Yeah, I am, aren’t I? Can I get the big bedroom?
JACK: —and for $200, you can get bathroom privileges—every other day.
NAN: The small bedroom sounds perfect. I’ll run home now and start bringing boxes over. I’ll see you shortly, roomie.
NAN EXITS. JACK IS LEFT ALONE.
JACK: (TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR) Kill me now, and get it over with.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT. THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE - MORNING
THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE IS A BIG ROOM. ON ONE WALL ARE MAIL SLOTS FOR THE TEACHERS. THERE’S ALSO A REFRIGERATOR, SODA MACHINES, A COPY MACHINE, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. OFF TO ONE SIDE IS A TELEPHONE WHICH IS PARTITIONED OFF FOR PRIVACY. CHERYL IS DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE AND LOOKING THROUGH HER MAIL AT THE TABLE WHEN NIKKI ENTERS TO CHECK HER MAIL.
NIKKI: (SEEING A CLIPBOARD ON THE TABLE) What’s this?
CHERYL: It’s a petition from the secretaries in the main office.
NIKKI: (READING IT) It’s a request for the cafeteria to stop serving Mexican food indefinitely.
CHERYL: Yep.
NIKKI: So, it is true!
BRADY ENTERS THE LOUNGE.
BRADY: Hey guys.
NIKKI: Did you sign the petition?
BRADY: About what?
CHERYL: The secretaries in the main office want the cooks to stop serving Mexican.
BRADY: Uh-oh.
JACK WALKS IN.
JACK: Hello.
CHERYL: Jack, what do you think of the petition?
JACK: What petition?
BRADY: Never mind.
NIKKI: The secretaries in the front office—
BRADY: I’ll give you ten bucks if you don’t listen to another word.
CHERYL: They want the cooks to stop serving Mexican food indefinitely.
JACK TURNS AND STARES AT BRADY.
JACK: Way to go, Brady.
BRADY: All I did was tell Daniel!
NIKKI: I heard it from Karen.
CHERYL: I heard it from Bob, Ryan, Terra, Nina, Eric, and Peter. And Tom.
TODD ENTERS THE LOUNGE WITH SOME PAPERS TO PUT IN THE TEACHERS’ MAILBOXES.
TODD: How are things going?
JACK: Well.
BRADY: Great.
TODD: Have you guys tried Pablo’s, that new Tex Mex restaurant—
TODD TURNS AROUND, AND NO ONE IS IN THE ROOM EXCEPT FOR JACK, WHO IS HOLDING THE PETITION IN HIS HANDS.
JACK: (LOOKING AROUND) Wow, what a strange and unrelated coincidence.
TODD: What?
JACK: Nothing. Nothing at all.
TODD: What do you have there?
JACK: (HIDING IT BEHIND HIS BACK) Nothing, just a, um, a petition.
TODD: (SUSPICIOUS) For what?
JACK: Let’s make a deal. You don’t ask me about this petition, and I won’t tell anyone about your affinity for Power Rangers.
TODD: Deal. (STARTS TO HEAD OUT) Good recommendations or not, I’m not so sure hiring a family member at my school was such a good idea.
JACK: I guess only time will tell, beloved Uncle.
TODD: We’ll see.
TODD EXITS. BREATHING A SIGN OF RELIEF, JACK ALSO EXITS. AFTER A SECOND, BRADY STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE PARTITION.
BRADY: (AMAZED) Power Rangers? Who’da thunk?
FADE OUT
END OF EPISODE
My own observation since writing this is that I’m concerned that Jack is too passive. In later episodes, he definitely takes a more proactive role in his life. I’m concerned, though, that he comes off as put-upon or a downer rather than only getting caught up in the drama of people around him.
Since writing this, I also would like to make Bob a stronger character. I think his characterization needs a little boost, and I’d like to make him a stronger male figure (as opposed to another dopey man on television), even though he does want a divorce for unclear and potentially stupid reasons.
I had a lot of fun ideas for other episodes for the first season. I wanted Marissa Jaret Winokur to guest as Jack’s former fiancée and dreamed of Carol Channing guesting as the school’s legendary former drama director. In more teacher-related stuff, I wanted to add some of my own awkward moments—bizarre conferences, the email you accidentally send to a parent instead of to your colleagues, dealing with budget cuts, the school gossip mill. And Nikki’s winter musical was going to be Jane Eyre, by the way. I had an idea for incorporating a musical number from the show.
Also please note that I specifically created two great roles for women over forty. Nan obviously needed to be over-40, but I incorporated Cheryl because—beside the fact that as a teacher you work with and befriend people of all ages—there are so many incredibly talented actress in Los Angeles and New York who can’t get jobs simply because they are over 40, which is the dumbest thing ever. If I ever did make it in Hollywood, it was going to be my goal to open up roles for all ethnicities, women with curves, and women over 40.
Well, if you got this far, thank you for reading! I do hope it was a pleasant diversion, maybe provided a few laughs. If anyone has any additional observations (good or bad) based upon your experience or learning or whatever, I’d love to hear it in case I do get a chance to do something with it (please be brutally honest, though). Please be aware that, hopefully obviously, if I ever ended up doing anything with this, your thoughts would be much appreciated but financially unremunerated.
My email is broadwayloudmouth@yahoo.com.
the Broadway Mouth
September 10, 2007
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