A couple weeks ago I posted my sitcom pilot just to air it out and to give someone a chance to see it. To my surprise, quite a few people read it. If you don’t care about it, then by all means, skip below for the wrap-up to “50 Amazing Broadway Performers in 50 Weekdays.”
But, for the same reason, I’m posting the only other script I have to share. I wrote it. It would be nice to have someone read it. I have other scripts I could share, but this is the only other one copyrighted (and registered with the WGA to boot). I don’t even have to worry about someone stealing it to use as their own spec script because Joey is now off the air, so it wouldn’t get anyone anywhere.
This was a spec script I wrote for the sitcom Joey. A spec script is written for a current show for the purpose of showcasing your abilities. A spec script is never written with the intent of being produced.
I’ll be honest and say that I never really watched Friends, but I selected Joey because, being a spin-off of that uber-popular show, I figured it’d be around for a long time (once a show goes off the air, no one wants to read that spec script, so you pick a show with legs). Of course, Joey only survived two seasons.
I did watch a good six or seven episodes to get a feel for the structure of the show, the sort of writing and storytelling, types of jokes, and the characters. I also bought a copy of a script to see how it read.
This show was not my preference in terms of style of humor and characters, but I worked hard to become a chameleon so that my script would feel like it belonged. My personal style doesn’t involve slut jokes and such, so I tried to keep to the show’s style without compromising my own tastes.
Again, I’ve altered the formatting to make it more readable and to account for limitations in Blogger’s formatting capabilities. This is not an attempt to use correct sitcom formats.
To remind you of the show, Joey had moved to Los Angeles to become an actor. The hilarious Jennifer Coolidge played his agent Bobbie. You have envision Jennifer Coolidge saying her lines. He lived with his dorky nephew Michael (Paulo Costanza), and his next door neighbor was the cute Alex (Andrea Anders). His sister Gina (Drea de Matteo) often popped in. She was slutty and proud of it. She also hated Alex and intimidated her.
This particular script was written before the end of Season 1 (where Joey and Alex shared a first kiss) but after Alex announced her impending divorce from her husband Eric.
Like before, if you have any thoughts based on experience or whatever, I’d love to grow from them. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE — DAY (DAY 1)
BOBBIE IS SITTING AT HER DESK LOOKING AT VACATION BROCHURES WHEN JOEY POPS IN. SHE QUICKLY TOSSES THEM UNDER HER DESK.
BOBBIE: Oh, hello, Joey. I was just looking at some scripts for you.
JOEY: See anything good on my horizon?
BOBBIE: There was a Double Mint commercial that looked promising, but the ending was a real dud.
JOEY: Can’t I look at it for myself?
BOBBIE: That’s what I get my money for, to weed out bad projects I spend hours trying to get you. But Joey, I do have some work lined up for you.
BOBBIE: You like being around women, don’t you Joey?
JOEY: Like a skunk likes being around . . . other skunks.
BOBBIE: Gee, you’re like a Hallmark card on clearance.
JOEY: Hey, that’s good. Can I use it some time?
BOBBIE: It’s all yours.
JOEY: So, what’s this job involving women?
BOBBIE: There’s a convent school looking for a short-term drama teacher.
JOEY: Hey, I ain’t interested in nuns. Unless they’re really hot under that black dress thing.
BOBBIE: It’s teaching teenage girls. The nun who was teaching the class was just cast as a regular in a soap.
JOEY: Gee, why’d you think of me?
BOBBIE: Because I thought you’d work well with the kiddies. And the only other one desperate--special enough for the job has a sex crime conviction on his record.
JOEY: Gee, I’m honored. But I don’t think I’m Catholic material. I don’t even like Bloody Marys.
BOBBIE: Did I mention I heard about this from an executive producer at HBO whose daughter is in the class?
JOEY: (NOT GETTING IT) No, you didn’t.
BOBBIE: And he’d be a good connection to have . . . (NO RESPONSE) at HBO.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey, I’ll take it! I love kids and nuns and paychecks.
BOBBIE: You’re as American as apple pie and Speedos.
JOEY: I’m gonna go learn all I can about Catholic-ism. I’ll be an expert by tomorrow.
BOBBIE: You go do that, big boy.
END OF TEASER
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD — LATER (DAY 1)
JOEY, GINA, AND MICHAEL ARE IN THE COURTYARD, SITTING AROUND A TABLE.
GINA: I don’t know how I can help you, Joey. I ain’t been inside a Catholic church since I broke up with Roger, that priest in training. That was the day I first heard the word celibacy, and I never forgot it.
MICHAEL: Then why did you send me to Sunday school for all those years?
GINA: So you could grow up to be a good Catholic boy and not like your uncle Joey.
JOEY: You guys, tomorrow, I gotta go in that school and talk to nuns and stuff. How am I ever gonna pull off Catholic if I don’t know anything about it?
GINA: You don’t go to church at all, Joey? Aren’t you scared of what’s gonna happen when you drop dead?
JOEY: Nah, I got it covered. Every year, I date at least two ugly girls as an act of charity. It’s my duty to those less beautiful than me.
MICHAEL: I, less beautiful than I.
JOEY: Hey, even I don’t go that low for charity.
ALEX: Joey, I’m so glad you’re out here. I can’t believe what I got myself into. I auditioned for a part in a community theatre play, and I got it!
JOEY: You think you got it bad. I auditioned for a part as a Catholic, and I got it.
ALEX: I was wondering if you could give me some pointers. I’m the female lead, and I don’t know a thing about acting.
JOEY: Hey, do you know anything about being a Catholic?
ALEX: Well, I did take a History of Religions class in college. I think I remember a few things. If I help you out, will you help me out?
JOEY: It’s a deal!
ALEX: Well, let’s see . . . I know in the old days, sometimes Catholic men would have hairshirts.
JOEY: What was that, back when they had hairy backs?
MICHAEL: I don’t think that’s quite it. They would wear hairy shirts that were uncomfortable so they would always be remembered of Christ’s pain.
JOEY: (BLANK EXPRESSION) You know, this is all getting confusing. Maybe I should just rent Sister Act.
INT. MOTHER SUPERIOR’S OFFICE, ST. SEBASTIAN’S CONVENT SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 2)
REVEREND MOTHER IS AN OLDER WOMAN IN A HABIT. SHE IS SITTING AT HER DESK READING THROUGH HER BIBLE WHEN ANOTHER NUN, SISTER MARY MARTHA, ENTERS. SHE IS NOT IN A TRADITIONAL HABIT. SHE SHOWS JOEY INTO THE ROOM.
SISTER MARY MARTHA: Reverend Mother, Joey Tribianni is here.
MOTHER: Please let him in, Sister Mary Martha.
SISTER MARY MARTHA LETS JOEY INTO THE ROOM. JOEY ENTERS NERVOUSLY.
REVEREND MOTHER (continued): Come in, Mr. Tribianni.
SHE REACHES OUT TO SHAKE HIS HAND, AND JOEY TAKES HER HAND IN HIS, GETTING DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSING IT.
JOEY: It’s a pleasure, Holy Mother.
REVEREND MOTHER: (SMILING WARMLY, TRYING TO STIFLE A GIGGLE) Mr. Tribianni, I’m not the pope. I am a sinner just like you.
JOEY: Okay, who told? Did my sister call? If she did—
REVEREND MOTHER: I’m afraid you are mistaken, Mr. Tribianni. God does not ask for perfect people, only for servants. And we are delighted that you will be joining us. Sister Mary Sharon was a dear presence on our faculty before she turned into a hussy. We are in the process of finding a permanent replacement, but as you might imagine, finding a sister with knowledge of the art of theatre who won’t do a nude scene for the sake of her art and a big paycheck has been a challenge.
JOEY: (CROSSING HIMSELF BUT DOING IT THE WRONG WAY) Amen.
REVEREND MOTHER: Sister Mary Theresa should be here shortly to show you to your classroom and the materials.
JOEY: Mother Superior, I have one confession I feel I must make. (QUICKLY RIPPING OFF HIS SHIRT) I don’t have any hair on my back.
REVEREND MOTHER: (QUICKLY TURNING AWAY) Mr. Tribianni, please—
JOEY: (TURNING AROUND, SHIRT STILL OFF) But it’s not like I shaved it off. I never had any to begin with. Heck, I hardly have any pubic—
REVEREND MOTHER: That’s all right. Please put your clothes back on.
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, SHOCKED AT WHAT SHE SEES. SHE’S A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
JOEY: Hi. And don’t mind the pecs. They come standard.
JOEY PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.
REVEREND MOTHER: Well, um, thank you for clarifying. Now, if you will follow Sister Mary Theresa, she will show you to your classroom.
JOEY: Greetings, Sister Merry Theresa. I’m Joey Tribianni.
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND TO SHAKE HIS, AND AGAIN, HE GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND KISSES HER HAND.
REVEREND MOTHER: Mr. Tribianni, that’s really not necessary.
JOEY: Oh. (GETS UP, SEES THEM SMILING) You know, I’m gonna like it here. You’re all so merry. It’s like eternal Christmas, except with a paycheck.
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
MICHAEL AND GINA ARE SITTING WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR, EXCITED.
JOEY: You guys, I’m gonna love being Catholic.
GINA: How’d it go?
JOEY: Everybody there is so merry. It’s like the happiest place on earth. It’s better than Disney World! And did you know not all nuns wear those black dress things. There are some hot nuns out there.
MICHAEL: I’m not sure, but I think that’s a sin.
JOEY: Hey, if God made them hot, what are they supposed to do about it?
GINA: Alex has been by three times. She needs you to help her with that play thing she’s in.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. As long as I’m being Catholic, I want to make sure I keep my word. And remind me not to get divorced until after this job is over.
MICHAEL: Joey, you’re not even married.
JOEY: That means a vow of celibacy, doesn’t it? Ah, man!
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 2)
ALEX IS OVER AT JOEY’S, AND MICHAEL IS THERE. THEY EACH HAVE COPIES OF THE PLAY.
MICHAEL: Why do I have to play the old hag aunt?
JOEY: Because she’s got better legs.
ALEX: I do?
JOEY: Have you seen his?
MICHAEL: I read a study that said only 15% of women cared what men looked like.
ALEX: I think the other 85% were married.
JOEY: Anyway, let’s take the scene from the beginning.
ALEX, AS IT TURNS OUT, IS A HORRIBLE ACTOR. SHE CAN’T GET A SINGLE LINE DOWN WITHOUT IT SOUNDING LIKE SHE’S SPECIAL ED.
ALEX: (READING THE PART) But Aunt Natalie, my heart belongs with Edward, who loves me more than I could have ever hoped to have been loved.
MICHAEL STARTS TO TALK, THEN STOPS.
JOEY: Say it.
MICHAEL: (HESITATES) Honey, women like us understand men problems, don’t we. I was but a girl your age when I met and fell madly in love with Charles.
ALEX: But wasn’t your marriage sad and mournful for you? (STOPS) I’m awful, aren’t I?
JOEY: Well, you’re no me, if that’s what you mean.
ALEX: What did I get myself into? I’m in way over my head. I just thought, you know, with the divorce and everything, this theatre production might give me opportunities to meet people.
MICHAEL: I didn’t think it was so bad.
ALEX: (VERY HOPEFUL) Really?
MICHAEL: Sorry, I was just reading the next line.
JOEY: How did you ever get cast?
ALEX: I don’t know. Right away the director, he just seemed so interested . . .
GINA ENTERS. SHE IS DRESSED PARTICULARLY SLUTTY.
GINA: Alex, do you have that skirt and top I borrowed you to wear to your audition? I’m going out tonight, and everything else I have covers too much skin.
ALEX: Oh, yeah. Can I get it for you after my lesson here?
ALEX : Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I don’t know why, but he just seemed interested right away, and now, I don’t know if I can do this. What am I going to do? The director is counting on me to come through for him.
JOEY: Yeah, it sounds like in more ways than one.
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 3)
IT IS JOEY’S CLASSROOM, A TRADITIONAL SCHOOLROOM WITH DESKS, POSTERS ON THE WALLS, BOOKS, ETC. SISTER MARY THERESA AND JOEY ENTER.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Mr. Tribianni—
JOEY: Please, call me Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Okay, Joey, I teach math down the hall. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask. I really want your time here to be successful.
JOEY: Thank you, Sister Merry Theresa.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Class will be starting shortly, so I’ll leave you to get your things together. Have a great first day.
JOEY: Thanks. I know it’ll be as merry as yours.
AS SHE LEAVES, HE CHECKS HER OUT. HE THEN TURNS TO LOOK AT THE ROOM. A BELL RINGS AND SOON, TEENAGE GIRLS BEGIN FILLING THE ROOM. THEY RANGE IN AGES FROM 15-18, AND THEY ARE WEARING CONSERVATIVE UNIFORMS. SOME OF THE GIRLS ARE OOO-ING AND AH-ING OVER HIM, OTHERS ARE JUST CURIOUS.
JOEY: Good morning, children. Please, I beseech you to have a seat.
KARI, AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN, RAISES HER HAND.
JOEY: Yes, dear child.
KARI: You’re not a nun, are you?
JOEY: Not since I checked this morning. Anyway, blessed children, I will be your theatre teacher until a nun can be found. You may call me Brother Merry Joseph.
ALL THE GIRLS SNICKER.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
KARI: Nothing, Brother Mary Joseph . . .
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – EARLY EVENING (DAY 5)
GINA IS READING THROUGH A MAGAZINE ON JOEY’S COUCH WHEN ALEX POPS IN.
ALEX: Is Joey home from work yet?
ALEX: I have rehearsal tonight, and I was hoping he could work with me some more. Tonight is when I practice my big kissing scene, and I’m worried I won’t do it well.
GINA: And not without reason, I’m sure.
ALEX: Gina . . . What’s it . . . What’s it like kissing men whom you’re not married to?
GINA: No, don’t tell me . . . Don’t tell me—
ALEX: My first and last kiss was for Eric, and I—
GINA: Oh, Honey, no wonder you’re such a cold fish. You need to get caught up. (CALLING) Michael!
ALEX: What are you doing?
GINA: You need some practice.
MICHAEL ENTERS, COMING DOWN THE STEPS.
MICHAEL: Yeah, mom?
GINA: Michael honey, kiss Alex.
MICHAEL: Huh, wha—
ALEX: Gina, that’s very kind of you, but I couldn’t—
GINA: Hold on a second. What am I doing? You’re not good enough for my son. You keep your lips off him, tramp.
GINA GETS UP TO LEAVE AS JOEY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR.
GINA (continued): Keep your eyes on her around my son. (LOOKING BACK) On second thought, Michael, come with me. I think your uncle Joey is a bad influence.
MICHAEL: Okay, Mom. (TO ALEX) Don’t worry. I’ll let her egg your car. That always seems to help.
GINA AND MICHAEL EXIT.
JOEY: Whoa, what was that all about?
ALEX: I’m not sure, and I was here.
JOEY: How’s the play coming?
ALEX: Joey, I’m afraid. I can tell the director is getting increasingly annoyed with me. Even with all your help, I’m still awful. Tonight is the big kissing scene, and I’m so afraid I’ll be bad.
JOEY: (SITTING ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HER) Well, being an expert on the arts of acting and kissing, I will be glad to give you some pointers.
ALEX: Wow, I feel like I’m training with a Jedi Knight.
JOEY: First off, you have to analyze your character. I look at how my character kisses, the purpose, the length, how hot the girl is and how badly I want to kiss her. What about your character?
ALEX: Oh, I think she’s really in love. She wants to marry this guy.
JOEY: So you want to make it good. Now, an acting kiss is like kissing in real life. You lean in, and you give it all your character would. Should we give it a go?
ALEX: Oh . . . okay. Let me say my line to get in the mood. (SAYING THE LINE) I want you. I want your body. Come here, lover.
SHE LEANS IN BUT THEN BEGINS GIGGLING AND CANNOT FOLLOW THROUGH.
JOEY: What’s so funny?
ALEX: This seems so odd. You know, me here, kissing you of all people.
JOEY: I don’t think it’s so funny.
ALEX: It’s just that you’re not my type, you know.
JOEY: I’m not boring enough, huh?
ALEX: Hey, I don’t go for boring guys . . . Just more the CPA type.
JOEY: It doesn’t matter what type you go for. When you’re acting, the type you go for is the one right in front of you. Now, let’s try it again.
SHE LEANS IN AND AGGRESSIVELY KISSES JOEY IN A PASSIONATE, PROLONGED KISS. ONCE SHE PULLS AWAY, JOEY IS TAKEN ABACK, STILL RECOVERING.
JOEY: Wow, that was some kiss. On a scale of Tammy-to-Sandra, you are definitely in the Sandra range.
ALEX: I am? Is that good?
JOEY: Hey, her name isn’t Sandra Bullock for nothing.
ALEX: (NODDING, REALIZING) Yeah . . . yeah, it was all right.
JOEY: All right? What do you mean it was all right?
ALEX: I don’t know. I guess I mean that it was . . . perfunctory.
JOEY: Listen Miss Throwsaroundbigwords, these lips have touched some of the most beautiful women this side of Days of Our Lives, and I have never been all right or parfunkt . . . pefrunt . . . all right.
ALEX: Joey, you were fine. Don’t worry about it.
JOEY: You meant that like fine, as in exquisite, right?
ALEX: It means whatever you need it to mean.
JOEY: (SMILING PROUDLY) So I’m exquisite, huh?
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – DAY (DAY 6)
JOEY AND SISTER MARY THERESA ENTER, CARRYING A LOAD OF BOOKS INTO THE CLASSROOM. AS HE SETS THE BOOKS DOWN, SHE ACCIDENTALLY RUNS INTO HIM, TOUCHING HIS DERRIERE. HE IMMEDIATELY LOOKS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Sorry. Did I bump you?
JOEY: That’s all right. What’s a little gluteus maximus between fellow Catholic teachers? So, you’re a little attractive to be a nun, aren’t you?
SISTER MARY THERESA: Fortunately, they don’t have an ugliness requirement to follow God.
JOEY: Yes, and am I thankful for that!
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) So, what do you do when you’re not teaching teenage girls to act?
JOEY: You mean when I’m not counting the beads on my rosary and being merry? I’m an actor myself.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Oh, really? What have you been in?
JOEY: I recently did a guest stint on the Baywatch reunion. Maybe you saw me. I played “Hot Guy on Beach.”
SISTER MARY THERESA: I don’t watch television.
JOEY: Oh, that’s right.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING AGAIN) I have a feeling you are a breath of fresh air around here, Joey.
JOEY: And I’m sure you’re a breast of fresh air, too. (BEAT) I said breath, you just heard it wrong.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (CHUCKLING) I’d better get to my classroom before class starts, but you know, I’m really glad you’re here.
JOEY: Thanks. And I’m really glad you’re here, too. I mean, I could never teach math.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS, AND JOEY QUICKLY PULLS OUT HIS CELL PHONE, DIALING.
JOEY: Hey Michael, it’s me. Have you seen Alex this morning? . . . Did she say anything about last night?
AS HE CONTINUES ON, THE GIRLS ENTER THE CLASSROOM. WHEN THEY SEE THAT HE IS ON THE PHONE, THEY STAY QUIET, EAVESDROPPING ON HIS CONVERSATION.
JOEY (continued): I know I shouldn’t have done it, and now I’m all concerned. I could have caused a delayed reaction, and when that reaction hits, watch out world! I just hope she’s not operating heavy machinery at the time. I’m so stupid! How could I have kissed Alex like that?
IMMEDIATELY, ALL THE GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND CHUCKLE.
JOEY (continued): (TURNING AROUND) I must leave you now, dear nephew. My students await.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS CHUCKLE AGAIN.
INT. JOEY’S APARTMENT – LATER (DAY 6)
ALEX IS TALKING TO GINA IN JOEY’S APARTMENT.
ALEX: Gina, I don’t even know what happened yesterday. But I promise you, I’m not interested in Michael.
GINA: That’s good to hear. I was worried there for a minute. Hey wait a minute, why aren’t you interested in my son? Is there something wrong with him?
ALEX: No, not at all, I—
GINA: Well let me tell you something, you’re too good for my son! I mean, my son’s too good for you.
ALEX: I’m sure he is—
JOEY ENTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.
JOEY: Hey, I love watching women wrestle. Let’s get some mud and make it real fun. Could I convince you to change into bikinis?
ALEX: That’s gross. She’s your sister!
GINA: Oh, you don’t think I look good in a bikini?
ALEX: I think, I think this is where I exit before I have to spend millions on major facial reconstruction surgery.
ALEX RUNS OUT.
JOEY: Well, if the bikini mud wrestling thing ever does happen, we’ll change you out for the math teacher at my school.
GINA: Wait, don’t you work at a nun school?
JOEY: Yeah. Let me tell you, Sister Merry Theresa is like Angelina Jolie in a black dress.
GINA: You idiot, you can’t think of a nun like that.
JOEY: But I think she’s hot for me. She touched my “gluteus maximus” today.
GINA: Joey, don’t you know, dating a nun is a one way ticket to hell. When you die, God’s gonna look in his records and see you un-nunned a nun, and you’re gonna be burning faster than Michael Jackson’s nose.
JOEY: Curse this hot body of mine!
GINA: Keep hitting on nuns and God’s gonna do it for you.
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – MORNING (DAY 7)
JOEY IS KNEELING AT HIS DESK, IN PRAYER FORMATION.
JOEY: God, I came in early today to beseech you to forgive me for being the kind of guy women get hot for. You made me so all the women wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off me. This is my gift, my curse. God, I don’t want my nose to burn. Look, it’s six o’clock in the morning, and I’m here praying in a Catholic school. That’s how serious I am. Amen. (LOOKS UP) Gee, that didn’t take so long. Maybe I can take a little nap before school.
HE SITS IN HIS DESK, PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN AND FALLS ASLEEP.
INT. JOEY’S CLASSROOM – ONE HOUR LATER (DAY 7)
SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS, AND JOEY IS STILL ASLEEP AT HIS DESK.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey. Joey. Wake up.
JOEY: Huh? Oh, hey. I came in early to talk with the Big G, and I fell asleep.
SISTER MARY THERESA: That’s what I love to see, a man in pursuit of God.
JOEY: (TRYING TO MAKE HER LOSE INTEREST) Well, I . . . I’m not always a man of God. Sometimes, I sin.
SISTER MARY THERESA: And a humble one at that! Have a great day, Joey.
SISTER MARY THERESA EXITS.
JOEY: Well, wait—Shoot! That didn’t go as planned. God, what can I do? Women find me irresistible! (BEAT) And hey, can you really blame them? (GETS UP, SHAKING HIS HAND) Oh great, now my hand is asleep.
THE GIRLS ENTER, AND JOEY IS LEFT TO START TEACHING WITH A LIMP WRIST.
JOEY: Good morning, girls.
KARI: Good morning, Brother Mary Joseph.
THE GIRLS SNICKER AGAIN.
JOEY: Okay, girls, every time you say my name, you always laugh. (PAWING HIS NUMB HAND AT THEM) That’s not funny.
KARI: I’m sorry Brother Mary Joseph, but we just never expected to get a gay teacher at a convent school.
SARAH: But we still think you’re cute.
JOEY: Thanks. Hey, wait a minute, I’m not—
KARI: There’s no use in denying it, Brother Mary. How often do you kiss Alex?
JOEY: Well, there was just once.
TABITHA: My father says once is all it takes.
JOEY: (PAWING AT THEM WITH HIS LIMP WRIST) I’m not . . . Alex is a . . .
KARI: That’s all right, Brother. We accept you as you are.
TINA: And if things don’t work out between you and Alex, I have an uncle who said he’d be interested.
JOEY: I’m not . . . Hold on a minute. I mean, I did kiss Alex, but . . . she’s . . . she’s a she! You know, short for Alexandra or Alexette or something.
AS HE IS TALKING, SISTER MARY THERESA ENTERS WITHOUT JOEY SEEING HER.
KARI: (ADDING EVIDENCE) And you’re an acting teacher.
TINA: (MORE EVIDENCE) And you’re cute. My mother says that’s a sure sign.
KARI: Face it, Brother, it doesn’t take a mathematician to add up one and one and one to get three. (AS SHE SAYS THREE, SHE PAW AT HIM WITH A LIMP WRIST)
JOEY: (GROWING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) My hand fell asleep!
KARI: We can handle the truth, Brother.
JOEY: Now listen girls, I am not . . . gay. I mean I, I— (FINALLY LOSING IT) I like having sex with women. A lot! (HE TURNS AND SEES SISTER MARY THERESA) I mean, when I’m married because Catholics only have sex . . . ual relations when they are in a marriage reunion.
KARI: You mean, you’re really not gay?
JOEY: If I was gay, would I get so turned on by seeing Sister Mary Theresa? (BEAT) Philosophically turned on, that is . . .
SISTER MARY THERESA: (STILL SMILING) Girls, why don’t you take a five minute break? And when you return, we’ll have Reverend Mother talk to you about the sin of stereotyping.
THE GIRLS ALL EXIT QUICKLY. TINA STOPS BEFORE LEAVING.
TINA: Well, if you change your mind, Brother Mary Joseph, my uncle sure would appreciate it.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Break, Tina, break.
TINA NODS, AND SHE EXITS.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Brother Mary Joseph?
JOEY: Yeah, you guys were so merry and cheerful all the time, I wanted to be too.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) Oh, Joey, that’s too funny. Mary is part of our name as in Mary, Mother of Christ.
JOEY: Well, why didn’t somebody say so! Now Sister Mary Theresa, about us . . . I know I’m attractive and fun and a good kisser, though you wouldn’t know that, but I don’t want you to, you know, turn your back on God. I’d be worth giving up a lot of other things for but even I can’t compete with the Big Guy in the Sky.
SISTER MARY THERESA: Joey, I—
JOEY: I know it must be hard when an attractive, talented, and intelligent male individual like myself enters your life, but trust me when I say, I don’t want to go to hell for making you lose your nunhood.
SISTER MARY THERESA: (LAUGHING) I’m not interested in you.
JOEY: You’re not?
SISTER MARY THERESA: No, Joey. I chose to be a nun, and I chose this way to follow and serve God. If I really wanted to be with a man, I could turn my back on this life, and God would still love me. But this is my choice.
SISTER MARY THERESA: To some, maybe.
JOEY: If you weren’t a nun, do you think you’d find me irresistible?
SISTER MARY THERESA: (BEAT) I don’t know . . . I don’t go for gay men.
EXT. JOEY’S APARTMENT, COURTYARD – LATER (DAY 7)
GINA IS DOING HER NAILS IN THE COURTYARD. ALEX STICKS HER ARM OUT OF HER DOOR WITH A WHITE DISHCLOTH IN HER HAND.
GINA: Come on out. I’m not after you anymore.
ALEX ENTERS, HESITANTLY.
ALEX: You’re not?
GINA: Michael explained it all to me. I understand. I guess I can act a little crazy when it comes to my son.
ALEX: A little?! (GINA GIVES HER A NASTY LOOK.) Yeah, a little, I guess.
GINA: How was your fourth day at school?
JOEY: Awful. Not only did I make a fool of myself and have to quit my job, but the second woman in two days didn’t come on to me.
MICHAEL ENTERS THE COURTYARD. HE HAS A HOT YOUNG, ALBEIT SOMEWHAT NERDY, WOMAN STANDING BESIDE HIM. THEY ARE BOTH HOLDING BOOKS, AND SHE’S SMILING AT HIM.
MICHAEL: Hi, everyone. This is Bambi. I’m her tutor. Bambi, this is everyone.
BAMBI: (LOOKING UP BRIEFLY) Hi, everyone.
We’re off to study.
AS SHE WALKS PAST JOEY, HE PUTS ON A LOOK OF SURE-FIRE SEX APPEAL. SHE GLANCES AT HIM MOMENTARILY.
BAMBI: (AS THEY EXIT INTO THE APARTMENT) Who’s that funny looking guy—the one with the big head?
MICHAEL: That’s my uncle, Joey. He’s almost old enough to be my father.
BAMBI: He looks like it.
JOEY IS DEJECTED, AND GINA IS BESIDE HERSELF WITH AMUSEMENT.
GINA: That oughtta teach you to mess with a nun.
JOEY IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO LEAVE THE COURTYARD.
ALEX: Where are you going?
JOEY: To the library. I gotta find an ugly girl and fast. I can’t take this much longer!
HE RUNS OUT. AFTER A BEAT, HE RUNS BACK IN.
JOEY: There is a library in Los Angeles, isn’t there?
ALEX: Yeah. It’s down next to—
JOEY: Eh, forget the library. I’ll just go to the bookstore at the mall. Any girl who spends her money on buying books instead of on make-up and stuff has gotta be pretty pathetic.
HE EXITS AGAIN.
GINA: If I could just meet a guy like him . . . Say, how’s the play?
ALEX: Not good. The director recast my part last night.
GINA: What happened?
ALEX: Well, it became apparent he only cast me because he thought I was easy, if you know what I mean.
GINA: Ah, how sweet of him.
ALEX: No, Gina, um, that wasn’t a good thing.
GINA: It’s not? Well then, I’m going to call him up right now and tell him I don’t want no stinkin’ part in his play! What’s good enough for you is good enough for me! He’ll have to find himself another bimbo.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. BOBBIE’S OFFICE – SAME DAY (DAY 8)
BOBBIE IS SITTING IN HER OFFICE WITH JOEY.
BOBBIE: Well, Joey, no use crying over spilled milk.
JOEY: I didn’t spill any milk. I made a fool of myself at a convent, though looking masculine and attractive the whole time.
BOBBIE: Yeah . . . Well, Joey, I have to go now. (SHE GETS UP, PICKING UP A SUITCASE FROM BEHIND HER DESK) I’m going to Hawaii for a month.
JOEY: But Bobbie, I’m experiencing grief. I need some comforting from my agent.
BOBBIE: (EXHALING AS IF IT’S A BOTHER) Okay. Don’t worry, Joey. These things happen every once in a while. One of these days soon, you’ll go out and find the role of a lifetime, and if it happens any time in the next month, why don’t you call me on my cell and let me know? I could afford to stay an extra week, then. (GATHERING HER THINGS) If you need anything else, pretend I’m dead until next month, okay?
BOBBIE EXITS, LEAVING JOEY BEHIND.
END OF SHOW
the Broadway Mouth
September 25, 2007